Category Archives: Advice

Communicating with your Ex

A fan recently asked us a good question. This is notable because more often, fans ask us less good questions like, “I want to get marry can u help me please?” Anyway, the good question was: “How do you tell your ex you’re involved with someone new?”

So we came up with a guide for telling your ex that you’re dating again. It’s real life advice, but since advice for living a real life is often quite boring, we’re also giving you the more exciting alternative “if your life was a movie,” version as well.

A Guide to Telling Your Ex That You’re Dating Again:

1. If you have kids…

Real Life: Sharing children with your ex is the most compelling reason to tell them you are dating someone new. Why? Because kids are snitches. If you don’t tell your ex, they will. Which of these two options sounds like it will cause conflict: Your 5-year-old daughter telling your ex-wife that, “Daddy has a new friend who is prettier and taller and thinner than you,” or a calm, rational discussion with your ex that explains that you have been seeing someone, and you’d like to introduce him or her to the kids? Trick question. They’ll both cause conflict. But at least if you do the latter, you can pretend you’ve taken some higher moral ground.

Movie Version: Make sure that your new boyfriend or girlfriend has a spare kidney and is an organ donor match for your ex-spouse. Also, be sure your ex-spouse has a terminal kidney disease. I think you see where this is going…Ex-spouse is dying, new lover enters, lover offers kidney to ex-spouse, BOOM. Everyone is friends.

2. If you’re still “friends”…

Real Life: First of all, why are you still friends with your ex? If you’re one of those people who goes to the occasional lunch with their ex and says things like, “I don’t understand why we WOULDN’T be friends – we were MARRIED after all!” then we have no respect for you and don’t understand you. You don’t need our advice. You’re such good PALS this shouldn’t be any problem at all. Just tell your ex-husband “friend” that you’re getting remarried over a beer, just like you would any old buddy. You crazy kids.

Movie Version: You’re out for tapas with your ex, like you do. And RIGHT when you are about to say, “Guess what? I’m dating someone new,” over a small plate of something wrapped in something else, your ex SIMULTANEOUSLY says, ” I’m still in love with you.” Uh oh. Guess you shouldn’t have tried to be friends after all! Dummy.

3. If you’re still “seeing each other” for some ungodly reason…

Real Life: Stop that.

Movie Version: Oh my god, an earthquake!

4. If you’re totally through except for the occasional email about insurance or bills…

Real Life: THEY DON’T NEED TO KNOW YOU’RE DATING SOMEONE NEW.

Movie Version: In the movie version, you are Reese Witherspoon and you occasionally email your handsome ex-husband, Matthew McConaughey. One day you sit pensively at your computer before composing an e-mail telling handsome-ex that you are now dating someone very handsome but slightly less likeable, like, Christian Bale. Upon receiving this email, handsome-ex sets off on a trip across America where he reflects a lot on the mistakes he made with you and, more importantly, learns to love himself. All the while, Christian Bale proves himself to be even less likeable than we originally thought. He probably yells at a waitress or something and you have doubts about whether he’s the man for you. Months later, you run into handsome-Matthew-ex–randomly– at a small Parisian cafe. He just so happens to have your favorite kind of flowers (orchids) which he presents to you as he makes a speech about his undying love for you, loud enough for everyone to hear. You smile and throw your hand up to your tiny, yet strangely pointed Reese Witherspoon-y chin. You tell Christian Bale to go be Batman somewhere else, and you jump into Matthew McConaughey’s arms and tell him you’ve always loved him, and then whisper in his ear that you’d really appreciate it if he would work on getting back into “Magic Mike” shape.

5. If you have deleted their number and blocked them from Facebook…

Real Life: We aren’t aware of any methods of communication that don’t involve Facebook or cell phones. We don’t know, maybe write your ex a letter? Do people still do that? Take out an ad in the newspaper? Rent billboard space? This could get expensive, so be sure to win the lottery first.

Movie version: This situation is too boring to ever be a sub-plot to a movie. Sorry that you’re so boring.

rotary-phone

If you’re one of those people who is too “cool” to communicate with Facebook or email or cellphones, just use one of these. Whatever it is.

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Halloween Costume Tips

Well, it’s Halloween, the second best holiday after Flag Day.  We know that you might be tempted to re-purpose your old wedding gown into a costume. And sure, you could  fashion it into a very nice zombie bride (or “ex-wife”) costume. And we understand that temptation. Because it was probably very expensive and you feel like you should get to wear it again. And you probably think you’re very clever.

But, you might want to consider…not doing that. Halloween is a great time to meet people. New people. And while we’re sure it’s a very nice dress and a good conversation starter, if you go to a party and your costume results in you discussing your failed marriage, it is also a good conversation ender.

britney spears divorced

Pre-divorce Britney is more fun.

So instead of being that person, try one of these, and really COMMIT to the costume.

HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS THAT WILL NOT LEAD TO DISCUSSING YOUR FAILED MARRIAGE:
  • A nurse who is not bitter.
  • A sexy cat who does not have a court date next Monday.
  • A batman who is not paying child support.
  • A zombie who does not drink alone.
  • A flapper who did not waste the best years of her life.
  • A taco who did not get totally screwed by the lawyer.
  • A bumblebee.
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Finding “the one”

Here at EGD we talk a lot about divorce. Mostly because we paid real money for a web address with the word “divorced” in it. But what we don’t talk about often enough is finding the perfect man or woman for a potential successful marriage (be it your 2nd, 3rd, or 4th attempt at such a thing). A marriage that might actually not end in divorce. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: BUT EVERYONE GETS DIVORCED. That’s true in almost every situation. But there are some freaks out there. For example, both of us have sets of parents that are still married and have been basically forever. We’re pretty sure they’re lying to us because we did some math and their claims seem scientifically impossible. We’re also both nearly convinced that we’re adopted because we are so much more attractive than our brothers, but that’s a story for another website we might buy one day.

We wanted to put together a simple list for you, our fans, that would help you know if your new boyfriend or girlfriend is…”THE ONE.”  (Well…”the one” after the last “one.”)

Here’s what it boils down to:

1) If you need to Google whether or not you should marry someone, don’t marry them. If you have to use a Magic Eight ball, that’s fine. That’s a completely different thing.

2) Marry almost ANY person who learned to play golf, polo, or who dabbled in fencing when they were a child. This person is what we call “rich.”

3) Do not marry a person who uses the word “dabbled.” This person is smug and thinks they’re better than you.

4) If, when looking at your boyfriend/girlfriend, you begin to feel that the babies you might one day create together will be too ugly for you to love unconditionally… the two of you shouldn’t get married.

5) And under NO circumstances should you ever agree to marry a person who– if offered three wishes– would not use one of those wishes to gain the power of flight.

There is something fundamentally wrong with a person like that.

funny divorce blog

Always marry a doctor. You shouldn’t even have to ask.

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Stop Procrastinating

Procrastinating is fine, for little things. Like filing your taxes or going to the post office or buying a new electric toothbrush head. But if you’re thinking about getting divorced/leaving your significant other, there’s no time like the present.  And we know.  WE KNOW. You can’t do it NOW. NOW ISN’T A GOOD TIME. Well, that’s probably true.  And you’re always going to find excuses to stay with someone.

EXCUSES FOR STAYING TOGETHER:

1. You’re going to prom in 3 weeks.

2. You have a vacation planned in 2 months.

3. Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

4. Now Christmas is right around the corner.

5. You have plans for New Year’s.

6. Now Valentine’s Day is coming up and that seems sad.

See? It’s mostly holidays that are forcing us to be miserable. But there’s always going to be something coming up. And these are just the things you KNOW about. Unfortunately, in life, there are a lot of unpleasant surprises too. And if you’re unhappy in your relationship, chances are, that’s not going to change. But here are some things that CAN change. Because the thing is, there’s never a good time to leave someone. But there can always be a WORSE time to leave someone.

WORSE TIMES TO LEAVE SOMEONE:

1. After they get a speeding ticket.

2. After they lose their job.

3. After their cat dies.

4. After their father dies.

5. After they contract rabies.

So what are you supposed to do? Well, you can hope they drive carefully and take really good care of that cat and pray a lot and keep them away from suspicious raccoons. Or you can just bite the bullet and do what you probably need to do. Because once your boyfriend loses his job or your girlfriend’s cat dies or your husband’s parent becomes ill, you are STUCK, for an undetermined amount of time proportionate to whatever the tragedy is. And we know you’re not a terrible person. (Probably.) We know that you would feel bad for the normal reasons if any of these things were to happen. But on top of that, you’re not going to be able to leave for a while.
So stop procrastinating.

best time to get divorced

If you can just hang in there through the holidays, Mr. Boots…

Note to People Who Suspect Their Spouse Is UnhappyIf you think your spouse or significant other is close to leaving you, you can use this to your advantage.  It’s manipulative, but it will delay the inevitable. 

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO DELAY THE INEVITABLE:

1. Speed all the time.

2. Under-perform at your job.

3. Kill your cat.

4. Encourage every member of your family to “take up smoking.”

5. Hang out with suspicious raccoons.

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TOUGH LOVE: Facebook

We found that you enjoy being yelled at, so we’re going to keep it coming in another edition of “Tough Love Mondays.” Today we’re going to talk some sense into you about facebook and the problems it presents for you, post-breakup.

“I can’t stop checking my ex’s facebook. I just want to know what they’re doing!”

You need to STOP IT. You’re probably one of those people that looks up symptoms on WebMD and then decides you have Multiple Sclerosis or Lyme Disease or whatever. DO NOT be that person. It doesn’t matter what your ex is doing or who they’re doing it with.  Use facebook for good instead of evil.  Busy yourself by judging your old high school classmates and making fun of ugly babies.

“I get really upset when I see my ex posting new pictures on facebook.”

Quick question: Why are you still facebook friends with your ex? Don’t answer that! THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION.

“My ex put up a status and I don’t understand what it means.”

You DO NOT NEED TO KNOW what it means.

“I saw that my ex became friends with some new people.  I hate to think that my ex is meeting all these new people and probably dating new people too.”

Unfriend your ex. Immediately. You are acting like a crazy person. You may have rabies. Have you been hanging out with raccoons?

“My ex changed their status to “in a relationship.” I am devastated. It feels like a thousand hot knives in my chest.”

GOOD. You deserve it for not unfriending them.

“My ex has restricted their profile so I can only see what new “likes” they have. I notice that my ex recently liked George Takei. What do you think that means?  Is my ex dating George Takei??!”

YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO OWN A COMPUTER.

 

 

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Dating: How To Tell Someone You’re Divorced

When you begin dating, you might wonder when and how you should tell your date about your sordid marital past.   Don’t worry about it.  It isn’t hard to tell someone you’ve been married or divorced (probably both).  It will come up.

Real advice: Just mention it and move on.  You’re even allowed to joke about it.  There’s nothing wrong with keeping it light. And your date will find you more attractive because you won’t be putting them in an uncomfortable position.  Also, because being divorced actually makes you 33% more attractive.

WHAT YOU CAN SAY:

You’re divorced (no kids):

“I was married once.  It didn’t take.”

You’re divorced (with kids):

Bring up kids. “Do you want kids someday?”

(If they say yes):  “Me too. Also today.  Because I have some.”

(If they say no):  “Me neither.  But I have some.”

You’re divorced (a few times):

Just list “getting divorced” among your hobbies.

Ex. “I like pottery, horses, reality TV, and divorcing.”

You’re divorcing (but still technically married):

“By the way, I’m still married, but that should be cleared up in a few months.”

You’re on your honeymoon (not going well):

“Well, I have to do this couple’s massage with my husband/wife at 3.  Want to meet for a couple’s massage at 5?”

“These are good mozzarella sticks. More flavorful than the ones at my first wedding.”

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Advice to Girls Who Have Not Yet Made All the Mistakes That They’re Still Probably Going to Make

This is advice we would give our teenage daughter if we had teenage daughters, but obviously that would be impossible because don’t we still appear to be teenagers ourselves? But we know that our teenage daughter wouldn’t listen to us anyway. So if you’re a young woman, read this and trust us. Because we’re strangers and not your mom. This might not all seem important right now, but just you wait.
  • You are not in love with your high school boyfriend. Quick test: Are you in high school?  If you’ve answered yes, you have not met your soul mate.
  • No one is thinking about what your hair looks like.
  • You’re allowed to break up with a guy, even if he’s nice.
  • You’re allowed to break up with a guy, even if he’s really nice.
  • If you’re dating a guy who is neither nice, nor really nice, you should break up with him.
  • If you’re dating a guy just because your mom likes him so much, you should break up with him. Maybe your mom should date him if she likes him so much!
  • Don’t tell your mom, “Maybe you should date him if you like him so much!” That’s bratty.
  • If your mom says you’re wearing too much eyeliner, she’s probably right.
  • If you’re dating a guy who your parents really hate, they probably have their reasons. You should break up with him.
  • Remember this: All of the most popular girls at school will be shockingly unattractive one day.  (If you are one of  the most popular girls at school, our condolences.)
  • When you’re out of high school you’re going to think that you’re a real adult. You are not. Sorry!
  • Your first “real” relationship in college is still practice.
  • You do not love your college boyfriend. (Maybe you do, but you probably don’t.)
  • Never take a shot just because someone hands it to you. You never need to take shots. Getting drunk is not that hard.
  • No matter how long you date someone, you will never be required to get engaged.
  • If you do get engaged, you are not required to go through with it. Calling off an engagement is actually super cool.
  • When you’re planning your big beautiful wedding, you can call that off too. At any point. No matter how many deposits you will lose or how mad you think your parents are going to be. Calling off a wedding is also super cool.
  • There’s a chance that you will, however, end up married to someone who you shouldn’t be married to. And this is when you must remember that divorce is an option.
  • By the way, if you ever read about a celebrity who says something like “I don’t believe in divorce. For me, divorce is not an option,” it means that they’re probably going to get divorced soon. In general, you should never listen to what celebrities have to say.  They also say that they stay in shape by doing pilates and eating whatever they want. They are LYING.
  • Divorce is always an option. It doesn’t matter if your wedding was expensive. It doesn’t matter if you have 3 kids. It’s an option. It’s not much fun. But if it seems like a more attractive option than staying married, it’s probably your best option.
  • Low carb diets are stupid.
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How to Win Your Ex Back

1. The main problem with your relationship was probably your lack of maturity.  One of the best ways you can prove that you’re mature is by holding down a job.

2. Even though you were immature, your ex is probably having trouble managing the house all alone. Especially if they’re taking care of your three children, as well. Your ex is probably thinking about hiring a housekeeper. Check your local newspaper to see if your ex has placed an ad. If they have, you should apply to be the housekeeper.

3. Of course, your ex isn’t going to hire YOU to be the housekeeper. So you’re going to need to use all your acting talents to create a convincing alter ego. (If you do not have acting talents, work on developing your acting talents.) You should also enlist the help of your homosexual brother, assuming you have a homosexual brother who is skilled in the fields of makeup artistry and prosthetics. Your alter ego should be British and of a different gender than yourself.

4. You’ll need a name for your alter ego. As with all great alter egos, the best way to choose a name is by giving it no prior thought, and once you’re already on the phone with your ex, inquiring about the job, say the first name that pops into your head.  The best way to do this, is by hastily forming a rather unlikely name using any words that you read from a newspaper or some other nearby periodical.

5. You will have no trouble getting hired. Your ex will immediately trust you because of your British accent and your no-nonsense demeanor. (Thanks, acting skills!)

6. Take your job as housekeeper very seriously. Be kind but firm with the children. Try and become a gourmet cook. Because the way to your ex’s heart is through their stomach. And deception. If you fail at gourmet cooking, you can always order takeout and pass it off as your own cooking.

7. It is VERY important that you do not let anyone see your genitals. This could blow your cover.

8. However, there is a good chance you will eventually be discovered for who you really are. When this happens, your ex will be angry.  You will be fired and you will not be allowed back in the home. Try, if you can, to get your own television show, using the alter ego as a character. Waste not, want not!

9. Your children will miss you. They might even tell your ex that things were better with “you” around. As your alter ego, you made a difference in their lives. Ironically, more of a difference than you made as your true self. Thanks to the void your alter ego has left and the persistent reminder of your television show, your ex won’t be able to deny that life was better with you around.

10.  Of course, in the end, you and your ex may not actually get back together. But you will probably, at least, get to see your children again. If you and your ex did not have children, what are you doing? Stop dressing like an old British person, and start online dating.

Note: If you were already British to begin with, it will be impossible to ever win your ex back because they’ll know it’s you from the start.

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Disposing of the Evidence: Frozen Wedding Cake

Feel free to send us questions.  We have all the answers.  Like this:

Q: Jessica and Jeanne, I just got divorced and I’ve had this slice of our wedding cake in the freezer for over 4 years. I guess we forgot to take it out on our first anniversary. I feel like I can’t get rid of it. What’s wrong with me?

A: Everything.

But to elaborate, think of it this way. You put that cake in your freezer because someone told you that it’s a tradition. And, like most traditions, it makes absolutely no sense. What better way to celebrate a year of marriage than by eating an old, defrosted dessert? Anyhow, you still have it. And it’s taking up valuable space in your freezer.  Stop thinking of the sentimental implications. If nothing else, can’t you use more freezer space?? You could be storing frozen pizza or frozen egg rolls or bottles of gin in there! Just get rid of it and buy a new piece of cake for eating.

And if you’re looking for a more creative way to dispose of it, feed it to some ducks.

Fun fact about ducks: Ducks are generally monogamous. However, this bond usually only lasts about a year. So maybe, just maybe, you and the duck are not so different after all.

Disgusting.

 

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