Tag Archives: breakups

Advice to Girls Who Have Not Yet Made All the Mistakes That They’re Still Probably Going to Make

This is advice we would give our teenage daughter if we had teenage daughters, but obviously that would be impossible because don’t we still appear to be teenagers ourselves? But we know that our teenage daughter wouldn’t listen to us anyway. So if you’re a young woman, read this and trust us. Because we’re strangers and not your mom. This might not all seem important right now, but just you wait.
  • You are not in love with your high school boyfriend. Quick test: Are you in high school?  If you’ve answered yes, you have not met your soul mate.
  • No one is thinking about what your hair looks like.
  • You’re allowed to break up with a guy, even if he’s nice.
  • You’re allowed to break up with a guy, even if he’s really nice.
  • If you’re dating a guy who is neither nice, nor really nice, you should break up with him.
  • If you’re dating a guy just because your mom likes him so much, you should break up with him. Maybe your mom should date him if she likes him so much!
  • Don’t tell your mom, “Maybe you should date him if you like him so much!” That’s bratty.
  • If your mom says you’re wearing too much eyeliner, she’s probably right.
  • If you’re dating a guy who your parents really hate, they probably have their reasons. You should break up with him.
  • Remember this: All of the most popular girls at school will be shockingly unattractive one day.  (If you are one of  the most popular girls at school, our condolences.)
  • When you’re out of high school you’re going to think that you’re a real adult. You are not. Sorry!
  • Your first “real” relationship in college is still practice.
  • You do not love your college boyfriend. (Maybe you do, but you probably don’t.)
  • Never take a shot just because someone hands it to you. You never need to take shots. Getting drunk is not that hard.
  • No matter how long you date someone, you will never be required to get engaged.
  • If you do get engaged, you are not required to go through with it. Calling off an engagement is actually super cool.
  • When you’re planning your big beautiful wedding, you can call that off too. At any point. No matter how many deposits you will lose or how mad you think your parents are going to be. Calling off a wedding is also super cool.
  • There’s a chance that you will, however, end up married to someone who you shouldn’t be married to. And this is when you must remember that divorce is an option.
  • By the way, if you ever read about a celebrity who says something like “I don’t believe in divorce. For me, divorce is not an option,” it means that they’re probably going to get divorced soon. In general, you should never listen to what celebrities have to say.  They also say that they stay in shape by doing pilates and eating whatever they want. They are LYING.
  • Divorce is always an option. It doesn’t matter if your wedding was expensive. It doesn’t matter if you have 3 kids. It’s an option. It’s not much fun. But if it seems like a more attractive option than staying married, it’s probably your best option.
  • Low carb diets are stupid.
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