Everyone Gets Divorced

Sometimes you ask us questions. This is how we answer them. And sometimes you don’t have to ask us questions. We just know what you’re thinking.

Q: Will people be able to tell I’m divorced just by looking at me?

A: Yes. Because you will look really really happy.

Q: Why are you so anti-marriage?

A: We’re not anti-marriage. In fact, we’re so pro-marriage, there was a time we were willing to marry just about anything to prove it.

Q: I’ve been divorced for 2 years and I just can’t move on. I feel like I’ll be single forever. Why can’t I get over my ex?

A: 2 years and you haven’t been hastily remarried? There’s your problem.

Q: Why do you say that “everyone” gets divorced? Surely, not “EVERYONE” gets divorced. My parents have been married for 40 years and they’ve never been divorced.

A:  Oh, simple reader. We know, we know. We are so frequently asked this question. We see your confusion, too. We’re not judging you. But yes, everyone does get divorced. I’m sure you’ve heard the fact: approximately 50 percent of marriages in America will end in divorce. And, as you probably know, a marriage consists of two people. If half of people get divorced, 1 out of every 2 people will get divorced. If marriage consists of two people, for every 1 person getting divorced, 2 people are ACTUALLY getting divorced. Doesn’t that make sense to you? It doesn’t make sense to us either, but a high school MATH teacher told it to us, and we believe everything teachers say. And so should you. So, we hate to tell you, but your parents are actually divorced and always have been.

Q: Some never-married religious person just told me that any marriage can last through Jesus’ love as long as both people recognize that the other is a sinner. Does that make any sense to you?

A: No.