Category Archives: Science

Divorce Math

Q: Now that I’m divorced, I feel like I am less desirable to the opposite sex…am I?

A: Oh my. We didn’t really want to answer this question, but I think we have to. To put it bluntly, yes. But it’s not because there is some terrible stigma with divorce these days. There isn’t. Too many divorced people exist to truly have a high quality stigma associated with it. Maybe a mini-stigma, more along the lines of having ADHD. (Note: Everyone has ADHD.) How much less desirable you are can be discovered through a simple desirability math equation. We know, we know. Math is the worst. But just suffer through this with us.

Let’s imagine that people of average desirability are 10’s

Start at 10

Subtract 1 point for being a divorced MAN.

Subtract 2 points for being a divorced WOMAN. (Sorry ladies. We’re just being real with you.)

Subtract 1 point for every child you had with your Ex-Spouse.

Subtract 1000 points if you whine and cry every day about being divorced.

Subtract 1,000,000 points if you ever use the following phrases:  “Ever since the betrayal”…”I’ve found it just impossible to breathe these days”…”Coping with the loss”…. “My divorce journey…”  

Fear not, you can get some points back:

Add 1 point if most people would describe you as “fun-loving”. 

Add 2 points if you have a perfectly symmetrical face, like Halle Berry.

Add 3 points if you can play an instrument other than the trombone.

Add 1,000 points if you can play the trombone.

Add 1,000,000 points for being rich.

Add 1,000,000,000 points if you’re Halle Berry. 


Twice divorced, still desirable.

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Will Your Marriage Last?

While we can never REALLY know which marriages will stand the test of time and which ones won’t, studies have shown that the presence of certain factors can help predict the likelihood of divorce. It’s a complicated analysis of things like the age at marriage, cohabitation status, level of education, income, social and religious values, and some other boring stuff.

We’ve gone ahead and simplified it.

Here are 2 simple predictors that your marriage is more likely to fail:

1. At the time of marriage, you are not of legal drinking age.
2. At the time of marriage, you are of legal drinking age and you are too drunk to walk down the aisle.

funny divorce blog

Definitely too young and probably too drunk.

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Things That Are Scarier Than Divorce

According to SCIENCE, marriage rates in the United States are on the decline. Right now, only about half of the adult population is married, whereas 50 years ago, 85 percent of adults were married. Some people cite a “fear of divorce” as the reason that many young adults are delaying marriage. But, if you think about it, aren’t those people stupid?

Sure, divorce is unpleasant, but there are PLENTY of things that are much scarier. What’s the point in wasting your fear on divorce?

funny divorce blog

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The Worst Part of Waking Up

We all have morning routines. They say a lot about a person. So tell us – what did your ex drink with breakfast? We’ll tell you what your biggest problems were based on what was in that mug.

funny divorce blog

Former Husbands

We recently came across a study (yes, we read studies) that said “former husbands are more likely to report that they do not know what caused their divorce.” We decided that since we are basically scientists, we would conduct a study of our own. Here are the results.

Based on our research, we found that there are other things that former husbands do not know.

Other Things That Former Husbands Do Not Know:

1. How to pronounce nuclear.

2. On what day of the week Thanksgiving (US) falls.

Your Wedding Dress: A Flow Chart

Whether you’re happily married, happily divorced, or something in between, you have no real use for a wedding dress after the wedding. But what are you supposed to do with it? Here’s a flow chart. Listen to the flow chart. Because if you have a question that a flow chart can’t answer, we don’t want to hear it.

funny flow chart

Splitting Up The Stuff

Maybe, before going your separate ways, you and your soon-to-be-ex will have a civilized discussion where you sit down and calmly lay out a fair and logical plan to evenly divide all of your mutual possessions.

But more likely, you will have a series of very awkward and uncomfortable discussions that suddenly erupt into arguments over items you didn’t even know you had in the first place. You and your spouse have probably been arguing about lots of things for quite some time. Why stop now?

Well, you won’t.

Using science, we created this pie chart to illustrate what divorcing couples care the most about.


After a breakup, you might experience something called “ex-blindness.” This is where you begin to believe that your ex-husband/wife was actually truly wonderful and that you miss them and want them back. You might even get really whiny about it and complain to your friends or strangers on Facebook. The problem is that you are not correctly remembering your ex at all. We are here to help you. We consulted science* and even a little math** to come up with a comprehensive list of ABSOLUTELY TRUE FACTS about ex-husbands and ex-wives.

*–we invented the science

**–we don’t believe in math

divorce humor

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Sometimes you ask us questions. This is how we answer them. And sometimes you don’t have to ask us questions. We just know what you’re thinking.

Q: Will people be able to tell I’m divorced just by looking at me?

A: Yes. Because you will look really really happy.

Q: Why are you so anti-marriage?

A: We’re not anti-marriage. In fact, we’re so pro-marriage, there was a time we were willing to marry just about anything to prove it.

Q: I’ve been divorced for 2 years and I just can’t move on. I feel like I’ll be single forever. Why can’t I get over my ex?

A: 2 years and you haven’t been hastily remarried? There’s your problem.

Q: Why do you say that “everyone” gets divorced? Surely, not “EVERYONE” gets divorced. My parents have been married for 40 years and they’ve never been divorced.

A:  Oh, simple reader. We know, we know. We are so frequently asked this question. We see your confusion, too. We’re not judging you. But yes, everyone does get divorced. I’m sure you’ve heard the fact: approximately 50 percent of marriages in America will end in divorce. And, as you probably know, a marriage consists of two people. If half of people get divorced, 1 out of every 2 people will get divorced. If marriage consists of two people, for every 1 person getting divorced, 2 people are ACTUALLY getting divorced. Doesn’t that make sense to you? It doesn’t make sense to us either, but a high school MATH teacher told it to us, and we believe everything teachers say. And so should you. So, we hate to tell you, but your parents are actually divorced and always have been.

Q: Some never-married religious person just told me that any marriage can last through Jesus’ love as long as both people recognize that the other is a sinner. Does that make any sense to you?

A: No.

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