1. The main problem with your relationship was probably your lack of maturity. One of the best ways you can prove that you’re mature is by holding down a job.
2. Even though you were immature, your ex is probably having trouble managing the house all alone. Especially if they’re taking care of your three children, as well. Your ex is probably thinking about hiring a housekeeper. Check your local newspaper to see if your ex has placed an ad. If they have, you should apply to be the housekeeper.
3. Of course, your ex isn’t going to hire YOU to be the housekeeper. So you’re going to need to use all your acting talents to create a convincing alter ego. (If you do not have acting talents, work on developing your acting talents.) You should also enlist the help of your homosexual brother, assuming you have a homosexual brother who is skilled in the fields of makeup artistry and prosthetics. Your alter ego should be British and of a different gender than yourself.
4. You’ll need a name for your alter ego. As with all great alter egos, the best way to choose a name is by giving it no prior thought, and once you’re already on the phone with your ex, inquiring about the job, say the first name that pops into your head. The best way to do this, is by hastily forming a rather unlikely name using any words that you read from a newspaper or some other nearby periodical.
5. You will have no trouble getting hired. Your ex will immediately trust you because of your British accent and your no-nonsense demeanor. (Thanks, acting skills!)
6. Take your job as housekeeper very seriously. Be kind but firm with the children. Try and become a gourmet cook. Because the way to your ex’s heart is through their stomach. And deception. If you fail at gourmet cooking, you can always order takeout and pass it off as your own cooking.
7. It is VERY important that you do not let anyone see your genitals. This could blow your cover.
8. However, there is a good chance you will eventually be discovered for who you really are. When this happens, your ex will be angry. You will be fired and you will not be allowed back in the home. Try, if you can, to get your own television show, using the alter ego as a character. Waste not, want not!
9. Your children will miss you. They might even tell your ex that things were better with “you” around. As your alter ego, you made a difference in their lives. Ironically, more of a difference than you made as your true self. Thanks to the void your alter ego has left and the persistent reminder of your television show, your ex won’t be able to deny that life was better with you around.
10. Of course, in the end, you and your ex may not actually get back together. But you will probably, at least, get to see your children again. If you and your ex did not have children, what are you doing? Stop dressing like an old British person, and start online dating.
Note: If you were already British to begin with, it will be impossible to ever win your ex back because they’ll know it’s you from the start.
Thank you for the explicit instructions – they are very helpful!
It is far easier to get your kid to make a birthday wish that dad will never be able to tell another lie. His newly found perpensity for truth-telling will unwittingly reveal the quality character that was buried beneath the onion layers of his outer shell (i.e. defense mechanism) and right the ship effortlessly. You might even have some mad cap adventures along the way, too!
I spelled propensity wrong, and it’s driving me nuts!
If my ex wants to come clean my house, cook, and watch our kids it would be a great improvement from while we were married… with the added bonus that he will be stupidly dressed like an old British woman, I will be able to date other people, and he will go back to his own house every night…. if I find out my nanny is actually him, I’ll pretend I didn’t notice.
You’re absolutely right. Put an ad in the paper. We’ll keep our fingers crossed for you.