Tag Archives: tough love

TOUGH LOVE: Facebook

We found that you enjoy being yelled at, so we’re going to keep it coming in another edition of “Tough Love Mondays.” Today we’re going to talk some sense into you about facebook and the problems it presents for you, post-breakup.

“I can’t stop checking my ex’s facebook. I just want to know what they’re doing!”

You need to STOP IT. You’re probably one of those people that looks up symptoms on WebMD and then decides you have Multiple Sclerosis or Lyme Disease or whatever. DO NOT be that person. It doesn’t matter what your ex is doing or who they’re doing it with.  Use facebook for good instead of evil.  Busy yourself by judging your old high school classmates and making fun of ugly babies.

“I get really upset when I see my ex posting new pictures on facebook.”

Quick question: Why are you still facebook friends with your ex? Don’t answer that! THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION.

“My ex put up a status and I don’t understand what it means.”

You DO NOT NEED TO KNOW what it means.

“I saw that my ex became friends with some new people.  I hate to think that my ex is meeting all these new people and probably dating new people too.”

Unfriend your ex. Immediately. You are acting like a crazy person. You may have rabies. Have you been hanging out with raccoons?

“My ex changed their status to “in a relationship.” I am devastated. It feels like a thousand hot knives in my chest.”

GOOD. You deserve it for not unfriending them.

“My ex has restricted their profile so I can only see what new “likes” they have. I notice that my ex recently liked George Takei. What do you think that means?  Is my ex dating George Takei??!”

YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO OWN A COMPUTER.

 

 

Tagged , , ,

TOUGH LOVE

At some point during your breakup or divorce, you’re probably going to enter an ugly depressive phase. That’s when you think and say a lot of really stupid pessimistic things.  It’s understandable. You’re feeling sad. And sometimes when you’re sad, you need someone to tell you how stupid you are. Here’s some tough love to get you through this tough time.

STUPID THINGS YOU’RE SAYING AND LOGICAL RESPONSES TO THEM:

1. “I wasted the best years of my life.”

Shut up.

If you wasted some years, they weren’t the best ones, dummy.

2. “No one will ever love him/her like I did!”

Shut up.

What, you’re the number one giver of love on the planet? Good for you. Now go take a nap and stop thinking about the quality of love he/she may or may not receive in the future. It doesn’t concern you.

3. “I’ll never meet anyone now.”

Shut up.

You’re not meeting people? Hm. Maybe it’s because you’re at home, whining about how lonely you are to people on the internet. You are capable of meeting people. Learn to play badminton or some shit.

4. “I’m too fat to start dating again.”

Shut up.

If you’re fat, there are lots of TV shows that want to help you be less fat. If you find yourself unable to get on one of those TV shows, try taking one hour every day out of your precious “feeling sorry for yourself” time and just go for a walk. If you like, you can even feel sorry for yourself WHILE YOU WALK. And if you still think you’re too fat, remember this: fat people date. In fact, most people are fat. This is America. You’re among friends. (Unless you’re not in America. Then you should be ASHAMED.)

5. “I’m ugly and no one else will ever love me.”

Stop it.

Oh, you think you’re ugly? You mean like almost everyone? You probably just need to pluck your eyebrows.
Tip for men: Women don’t care if you’re ugly as long as you’re really nice.
Tip for women: (Straight) men don’t care if you’re ugly as long as you have lady body parts.
Another tip for women: Try dating straight men. Unless YOU are gay. Then don’t.

6. “I’ll never get married again.” 

Shut up.

How do you know that? I bet you once said you’d never buy Crocs or get divorced. Way to be wrong, you! Huh. Sure seems like you’re wrong a lot.

7. “I’m too old to start over.”

Nonsense. I think I once read about a 112-year old getting remarried. So unless you’re 113, you have no basis for this claim. If you ARE 113, congratulations on operating a computer. You seem like a real catch! You’ll find someone in no time.

breakup humor

Tagged , , ,
%d bloggers like this: