Category Archives: Encouragement

Being Embarrassed

A lot of people are embarrassed to admit that they’ve been divorced. But the fact of the matter is, it’s really not interesting enough to be embarrassing. People get divorced all the goddamn time. By our math, 100 percent of all people will get divorced at least four times in their lifetime. So what’s the big deal? Life is full of far greater embarrassments than “failing at marriage.”

To prove this point, here’s a list of really embarrassing things that may or may not have happened to us.

THINGS THAT ARE MORE  EMBARRASSING THAN GETTING DIVORCED:

1. Failing fourth grade math.

2. Finding out, after the fact, that you’ve had spinach in your teeth for the WHOLE MEAL.

3. Going to the doctor to give a urine sample and then spilling your urine sample on someone from your high school.

4. Going to a concert, and then, even though you’ve already had dinner and a post-dinner “tater tot course,” excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, but instead of going to the bathroom, buying a slice of pepperoni pizza which you eat in secret.

5. Going to the dentist to get X-rays, and then as the dentist is putting the X-ray thingy in the far-back part of your mouth, vomiting all over said dentist’s hand and arm.

6. Marrying that guy with that haircut.

divorce jokes

You should be ashamed of yourself.

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Stop Procrastinating

Procrastinating is fine, for little things. Like filing your taxes or going to the post office or buying a new electric toothbrush head. But if you’re thinking about getting divorced/leaving your significant other, there’s no time like the present.  And we know.  WE KNOW. You can’t do it NOW. NOW ISN’T A GOOD TIME. Well, that’s probably true.  And you’re always going to find excuses to stay with someone.

EXCUSES FOR STAYING TOGETHER:

1. You’re going to prom in 3 weeks.

2. You have a vacation planned in 2 months.

3. Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

4. Now Christmas is right around the corner.

5. You have plans for New Year’s.

6. Now Valentine’s Day is coming up and that seems sad.

See? It’s mostly holidays that are forcing us to be miserable. But there’s always going to be something coming up. And these are just the things you KNOW about. Unfortunately, in life, there are a lot of unpleasant surprises too. And if you’re unhappy in your relationship, chances are, that’s not going to change. But here are some things that CAN change. Because the thing is, there’s never a good time to leave someone. But there can always be a WORSE time to leave someone.

WORSE TIMES TO LEAVE SOMEONE:

1. After they get a speeding ticket.

2. After they lose their job.

3. After their cat dies.

4. After their father dies.

5. After they contract rabies.

So what are you supposed to do? Well, you can hope they drive carefully and take really good care of that cat and pray a lot and keep them away from suspicious raccoons. Or you can just bite the bullet and do what you probably need to do. Because once your boyfriend loses his job or your girlfriend’s cat dies or your husband’s parent becomes ill, you are STUCK, for an undetermined amount of time proportionate to whatever the tragedy is. And we know you’re not a terrible person. (Probably.) We know that you would feel bad for the normal reasons if any of these things were to happen. But on top of that, you’re not going to be able to leave for a while.
So stop procrastinating.

best time to get divorced

If you can just hang in there through the holidays, Mr. Boots…

Note to People Who Suspect Their Spouse Is UnhappyIf you think your spouse or significant other is close to leaving you, you can use this to your advantage.  It’s manipulative, but it will delay the inevitable. 

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO DELAY THE INEVITABLE:

1. Speed all the time.

2. Under-perform at your job.

3. Kill your cat.

4. Encourage every member of your family to “take up smoking.”

5. Hang out with suspicious raccoons.

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Divorce Perk #1: Getting in Shape

You know, when people talk about divorce, they always focus on the negatives. It’s painful! It’s expensive! It’s stressful! I lost my house! No one will ever love me again! Well, sure. It can be all of those things. But what say we look on the bright side?

DIVORCE PERK: You’re going to get in better shape.

You know what’s the worst? Exercise. It’s horrible. And anyone who claims to enjoy it should not be trusted. Every single time I go to the gym, I seriously consider doing 3 things:

1. Sitting in the locker room for 40 minutes instead.

2. Sitting in my car for 40 minutes and plucking my eyebrows instead.

3. Just going to Buffalo Wild Wings for mozzarella cheese sticks instead.

But I DON’T.  (Usually.) Because getting divorced is the BEST motivation in the world to exercise. You almost certainly let yourself go sometime in the first 3 months to 15 years of marriage. Both of you did. It was probably all those mozzarella cheese sticks you were eating. But now you have 2 reasons to change that:

1. You’re single again.

2. Revenge.

Now that you’re single again, you might be thinking about possibly dating again, at some point in the future. But before you do that, you want to trick the world into thinking you’re attractive again.

But more importantly, you will exercise for revenge. It doesn’t matter who left who or why. It doesn’t matter if you ever plan on seeing them again. It will happen. And when it does, you’re going to want your abs to do the talking. You will want your glutes to say, “Hey, I’m doing fine! Better than ever.” You will want your triceps to say, “My life without you is very fulfilling.” You will want your glutes to say, “I’m incredibly happy and I never eat lunch alone at Buffalo Wild Wings.” Also, exercise improves your mood and it’s good for your heart and whatever. But that’s not why you’re going to get in shape. You’re going to get in shape mainly for revenge.

Horrible torture machine.

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CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE DIVORCED SOUL

Here are some heartwarming stories from divorced individuals that are sure to soothe your soul.

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What Your Ex is Doing Right Now

No matter who you are, you’re going to find yourself wondering about your ex from time to time. You can’t help it. But we’re not all as lucky as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. They can just pick up a copy of People magazine to see what their ex is up to. (They don’t even have to buy it!) But the rest of us are all left imagining. Speculating. Trying not to care but still sort of caring.
We can help. It so happens that we know EXACTLY what your ex is doing RIGHT NOW.

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Exes: TRUE FACTS

After a breakup, you might experience something called “ex-blindness.” This is where you begin to believe that your ex-husband/wife was actually truly wonderful and that you miss them and want them back. You might even get really whiny about it and complain to your friends or strangers on Facebook. The problem is that you are not correctly remembering your ex at all. We are here to help you. We consulted science* and even a little math** to come up with a comprehensive list of ABSOLUTELY TRUE FACTS about ex-husbands and ex-wives.

*–we invented the science

**–we don’t believe in math

divorce humor


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Rules For a Happy Marriage

We know what you’re thinking. “Who are you to give advice?”  Or ,”What do you know?”  Well, one of the positive aspects of getting divorced, is that it’s an opportunity to learn from your mistakes. Where did it all go wrong? We’ve done extensive research and analysis and come up with these rules for a happy marriage. Read them. Study them. Live them.

1. Admit when you’re wrong.

A lot of people have trouble doing this. But once you get in the habit, it’s really easy, and it feels good. Try it. “I was wrong–the capital is Canberra, not Sydney.”  Or this.  “I was wrong to think you’d ever change.”  Simple!

2. Spend time together, but enjoy your time apart.

Having some alone time is crucial to a successful marriage.  Try maintaining separate residences. It worked wonders for Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt.

Successfully married, in that she lived in a cottage, didn’t touch her husband, and never got divorced.

3. Don’t bring up mistakes of the past.

It’s tempting, but it gets you nowhere. It’s far more productive to make wild accusations about the future.

4. Never go to bed angry.

This is so important. You MUST stay angry and awake for as long as is humanly possible.  After a grueling 20 or 30 hours, one of you will probably fall asleep. And that settles it. That person is the loser.

5. At least once a day, compliment your partner.

It doesn’t have to be a different compliment every time. And there’s almost certainly one thing you like about your spouse.  Don’t take it for granted.  Tell them every single day.  “I really admire the shape of your head.”

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FAQs

So you’re getting a divorce. We anticipate that you might have some questions about your upcoming un-nuptials, or maybe even about us. Here are some common questions, with some very scientific answers:

Q:  What if I don’t have enough money to get divorced?!

A:   NO ONE HAS ANY MONEY.

Q: But who are you? Why do YOU know so much? How do you know I’ll be OK?!

A:  We’re the internet. And as you well know, the internet is always right, and knows everything. Granted, we aren’t Wikipedia, but we ARE prettier than Wikipedia. You’ll be OK because we say you will, and we’re the internet, and the internet is always right and knows everything. *logic*

Q: But what will my parents think?

A: Your parents are dead.

or

They’ll get over it.

 Q: Everyone will think I’m a failure!

A: First of all, this isn’t a question, but a statement, so we are sorry that our educational system has failed you. Secondly, you’re only an automatically assumed failure if the scores of awesome divorced people are failures too. Do you HONESTLY think that J-Lo is a FAILURE? We didn’t think so.

Q: What about my dog? Will I get to keep him?

A: You will keep that dog. Oh yes, you will keep that dog. But, please be prepared to have a frank and honest discussion with your dog about why he or she will have a new daddy soon.

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