Category Archives: Decision Making

Finding “the one”

Here at EGD we talk a lot about divorce. Mostly because we paid real money for a web address with the word “divorced” in it. But what we don’t talk about often enough is finding the perfect man or woman for a potential successful marriage (be it your 2nd, 3rd, or 4th attempt at such a thing). A marriage that might actually not end in divorce. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: BUT EVERYONE GETS DIVORCED. That’s true in almost every situation. But there are some freaks out there. For example, both of us have sets of parents that are still married and have been basically forever. We’re pretty sure they’re lying to us because we did some math and their claims seem scientifically impossible. We’re also both nearly convinced that we’re adopted because we are so much more attractive than our brothers, but that’s a story for another website we might buy one day.

We wanted to put together a simple list for you, our fans, that would help you know if your new boyfriend or girlfriend is…”THE ONE.”  (Well…”the one” after the last “one.”)

Here’s what it boils down to:

1) If you need to Google whether or not you should marry someone, don’t marry them. If you have to use a Magic Eight ball, that’s fine. That’s a completely different thing.

2) Marry almost ANY person who learned to play golf, polo, or who dabbled in fencing when they were a child. This person is what we call “rich.”

3) Do not marry a person who uses the word “dabbled.” This person is smug and thinks they’re better than you.

4) If, when looking at your boyfriend/girlfriend, you begin to feel that the babies you might one day create together will be too ugly for you to love unconditionally… the two of you shouldn’t get married.

5) And under NO circumstances should you ever agree to marry a person who– if offered three wishes– would not use one of those wishes to gain the power of flight.

There is something fundamentally wrong with a person like that.

funny divorce blog

Always marry a doctor. You shouldn’t even have to ask.

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Mad-Libs

Chances are, if you’re reading this website, you’ve attended a wedding before. At the very least, you’ve attended your own wedding, and so you intimately know that weddings can be a horrible, horrible mistake. Maybe someone told you before you walked down the aisle that it was a bad idea, but maybe not. Even if someone did, you clearly didn’t listen (dummy!). So what happens when the shoe is on the other foot? When you are expected to attend—or even participate in—the wedding of one of your friends or family members, even though you KNOW they’re making a mistake. What can you do? Probably not much. But you can try. Here’s a Mad-Lib style form letter you can send to your loved one, to warn them. It’s the right thing to do:

 
Dear _____(name of friend or family member),
You know how much I _____(verb) you. We’ve been _____(relationship) for ____(number) years, and we’ve had a lot of ______(adjective) times together. I hope you know that I only have the ______(superlative adjective) wishes for your happiness and _______(feeling). I know that you and ______(fiance/e) have been together for _____(number) ______(years/weeks/days), and I think that’s ______(adjective). And I’m sure you’ve heard the statistics–you know that _____(number) percent of marriages end in_____(divorce/murder/murder-suicide). Now, it’s not that I THINK this will happen to YOU TWO! (lie). You and____(fiance/e) are SO much different than everyone else. But maybe, you should consider that there are still so many other people out there, like______(name of someone more attractive than his/her fiance/e). Or even, _______( name of his/her highschool boyfriend/girlfriend). Also. don’t forget that when you’re married, you will probably never be able to ______(name of his/her favorite activity) anymore! Like never again! I was talking to_____(fiance/e) the other day, and _____(he/she) told me that ___(he’d/she’d) never let you do that anymore. Anyway, I’m not trying to rain on your______(name of festival/parade). Want to come over later and we can talk about this over a pitcher of______(gin/rum)?
______(loving word),
______(your name)

I just really want a cupcake right now.

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