Category Archives: Moving on

Finding “the one”

Here at EGD we talk a lot about divorce. Mostly because we paid real money for a web address with the word “divorced” in it. But what we don’t talk about often enough is finding the perfect man or woman for a potential successful marriage (be it your 2nd, 3rd, or 4th attempt at such a thing). A marriage that might actually not end in divorce. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: BUT EVERYONE GETS DIVORCED. That’s true in almost every situation. But there are some freaks out there. For example, both of us have sets of parents that are still married and have been basically forever. We’re pretty sure they’re lying to us because we did some math and their claims seem scientifically impossible. We’re also both nearly convinced that we’re adopted because we are so much more attractive than our brothers, but that’s a story for another website we might buy one day.

We wanted to put together a simple list for you, our fans, that would help you know if your new boyfriend or girlfriend is…”THE ONE.”  (Well…”the one” after the last “one.”)

Here’s what it boils down to:

1) If you need to Google whether or not you should marry someone, don’t marry them. If you have to use a Magic Eight ball, that’s fine. That’s a completely different thing.

2) Marry almost ANY person who learned to play golf, polo, or who dabbled in fencing when they were a child. This person is what we call “rich.”

3) Do not marry a person who uses the word “dabbled.” This person is smug and thinks they’re better than you.

4) If, when looking at your boyfriend/girlfriend, you begin to feel that the babies you might one day create together will be too ugly for you to love unconditionally… the two of you shouldn’t get married.

5) And under NO circumstances should you ever agree to marry a person who– if offered three wishes– would not use one of those wishes to gain the power of flight.

There is something fundamentally wrong with a person like that.

funny divorce blog

Always marry a doctor. You shouldn’t even have to ask.

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Getting Remarried: When Is It Time?

Thinking about getting remarried? Sometimes, after a failed marriage, you find it hard to trust your judgement. After divorce, you definitely don’t want to rush into another marriage. But how do you know when the time is right?

We polled 1 million people and this is what we found. Using science.

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Celebrating Your Divorce

Divorce should be celebrated.  Not because it’s fun.  And not because you always dreamed of getting divorced.  But because sometimes, it’s necessary.  And you deserve a treat when you’re finally done.  It would be great, if we could all jet off to Fiji to celebrate our divorce being finalized, but we recognize that, depending on your budget, that may not be an option.  So here are some ideas for celebrating a divorce on any budget.

For the High Rollers:  Treat yourself to a vacation.  We’ve just decided that if a honeymoon is common practice after a wedding, why not a divorce-moon after a marriage?  Go somewhere tropical.  Or somewhere you’ve always wanted to go.  Go somewhere your former spouse would have hated.  Bring a friend if you want.  Bring a new lover if you want.  You’ve earned it.

celebrating divorce

Belize is a nice place to divorce-moon.

For the Modest Rollers: Go to a nearby theme park.  Or a water park.  Something nearby that guarantees things like laughs or thrills or amusement of some sort.

For Anyone: Throw a divorce party.  It can be as big or as small as you like.  All that matters is what you’re drinking. Invite all of your friends who probably hated your ex anyway.  They’ll be happy to party with you. You can play games, like “not talking about your divorce.”  It’ll be great fun!

For the Low Rollers:  Have pancakes for dinner. Having pancakes for dinner always signifies a special occasion.

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Try New Things

When you get out of a serious relationship, it’s a good idea to branch out and try new things. This will help you forget about the past and move on with your life. It’s also a good way to become a new you!

But where do you start? Right here.

funny blog

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Reinventing Yourself After Divorce

Going through a breakup is hard. It’s easy to feel like you’ve lost your whole identity when you lose the person who was such a big part of your life. So what better time to make some changes in your life and reinvent yourself?

reinvent yourself

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Stupid Math

Have you ever heard that the amount of time you need to get over a relationship is the amount of time you were IN the relationship, divided by 2? It’s the kind of stupid math that you’ll hear from women’s magazines and unhelpful friends who read women’s magazines.

But whoever these foolish mathematicians are, don’t listen to them. You’ll be over a relationship when you’re over it. Not when MATH tells you that you are. It just doesn’t make any sense. To prove that this math doesn’t make any sense, here are some equally helpful equations.

If you lose your job…

# of years you worked at the job / 4 =

the length of time that is respectful to wait before getting a new job

If your television breaks…

# of hours of cop dramas you watch in a week  X  6 =

# of days you should wait before buying a new television

If you drop an ice cream cone on the ground…

# of minutes you spend crying about your ice cream + 10 =

# of minutes you must grieve before getting a new ice cream cone

*If you did not cry at all, you are a monster and you may have only raisins for dessert.

funny divorce blog

Sadly, if you lose the head to an electric toothbrush, you’ll never really be ready to replace it, thereby dooming you to a life of manual teeth brushing.

Why You Should Sell Your Ring

Part of moving on is letting go.  Now, it can be hard to let go of your wedding ring.  Especially when you learn that the resale value for wedding jewelry is a very small fraction of the price you originally paid for it. But what else are you doing with it?  Maybe you’re wearing it on a chain around your neck, which is fine, if you’re 12.  But most likely, it’s just sitting there, in a box or a drawer, waiting to remind you of things you’d rather not remember. So get rid of it. And do not throw it into the sea as some symbolic gesture. That’s dumb. And littering. And it will probably kill a dolphin. So if you want that on your conscience, please, by all means, litter away!

Look at it this way. If you sell it, here are just some of the great things you can do with that sweet, sweet ring money. For rings of every budget!

50 ring dollars = 50 lottery tickets (25 Powerball tickets)

100 ring dollars = 10 lbs of Jelly Belly brand jelly beans

250 ring dollars = DC34 Handheld Dyson Vacuum

500 ring dollars = 1 deluxe annual pass to Disneyland

700 ring dollars = 1 premium annual pass to Disney World (includes unlimited access to both Disney water parks)

1,000 ring dollars = 1,000 lottery tickets (500 Powerball)

2,500 ring dollars = 5 iPads (you can break a few, just for fun)

4,000 ring dollars and up = THIS

 

Disposing of the Evidence: Frozen Wedding Cake

Feel free to send us questions.  We have all the answers.  Like this:

Q: Jessica and Jeanne, I just got divorced and I’ve had this slice of our wedding cake in the freezer for over 4 years. I guess we forgot to take it out on our first anniversary. I feel like I can’t get rid of it. What’s wrong with me?

A: Everything.

But to elaborate, think of it this way. You put that cake in your freezer because someone told you that it’s a tradition. And, like most traditions, it makes absolutely no sense. What better way to celebrate a year of marriage than by eating an old, defrosted dessert? Anyhow, you still have it. And it’s taking up valuable space in your freezer.  Stop thinking of the sentimental implications. If nothing else, can’t you use more freezer space?? You could be storing frozen pizza or frozen egg rolls or bottles of gin in there! Just get rid of it and buy a new piece of cake for eating.

And if you’re looking for a more creative way to dispose of it, feed it to some ducks.

Fun fact about ducks: Ducks are generally monogamous. However, this bond usually only lasts about a year. So maybe, just maybe, you and the duck are not so different after all.

Disgusting.

 

Revising History

In your post-spousal life, one of the best things you can do is master the fine art of “revising history.” Moving on is much easier if you can train yourself to talk without constantly mentioning your ex. One argument is that it’s perfectly natural to talk about someone who was a big part of your life, even if that part of your life is over now.  Another better argument is that no one wants to hear about your ex.

Revising history is easy.  Here are some examples to get you started:

You’re used to saying:  “My husband is a Type 1 diabetic.”

Change it to:  “I once knew someone with Type 1 diabetes.”

You’re used to saying: “We had the best cupcakes at our wedding.”

Change it to: “I’ve been to weddings where they had cupcakes.”

Jessica went gambling in Reno. Alone.

You’re used to saying: “We went to Hawaii on our honeymoon.”

Change it to:  “One time, I went to Hawaii.”

You’re used to saying: “My husband coaches our son’s soccer team.”

Change it to:  “My son’s soccer coach is disgusting to look at. ”

You’re used to saying: “My husband is from Idaho.”

Change it to: “In my experience, people from Idaho are unable to pronounce ‘nuclear’ correctly.”

 

 

 

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