Monthly Archives: June 2013

Defense of Other Things

Well, as you may have heard, the Supreme Court struck down DOMA.  To that we say, “Great! Now what are we supposed to do with our powers of defense??” Marriage is obviously a lost cause.  But we’ve come up with some other things that still need defending.

5 Things You Can Defend Instead of Marriage:

Endangered Species:

divorce humor

You’ve probably been so worried about the crumbling institution of marriage that you’ve forgotten all about the Leatherback Sea Turtles and the Western Lowland Gorillas.  The moral fabric of society is a lost cause!  You might as well save some whales instead.

The Ozone Layer:

divorce humor

Remember this thing?  There’s still a hole in it.

Baby Animals:

adorable teacup pig

So tiny.  So… DEFENSELESS.

Brussel Sprouts:

tasty brussel sprouts
Honestly, they’re not bad.

Your Castle:

divorce humor

What? You don’t HAVE a castle? Oh boy. Did the gays take it from you?!

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FAQs: For the Parents

This might come as a shock to some of you, but occasionally, you aren’t the one getting divorced. Sometimes, it’s your CHILD that is getting divorced. And you suddenly have feelings about it. Maybe even sad feelings. And it’s pretty common that your child won’t understand your feelings. Maybe your child is actually quite happy to get divorced, and you’re sad about it. Or maybe your child is sad, and you’re happy about it. Either way, we want to help you get on the same page so then you can both focus on planning and paying for that second wedding. So we’ve decided to answer some FAQs. For the parents.

My daughter just told me she is getting divorced from her husband, and I had NO idea things were even going badly for them! Why didn’t she tell me?
Well, the answer to this question is pretty simple. If she told you, say, 6 months ago that her husband is kind of an asshole, then for the next 6 months until she told you they were getting divorced, you would basically hate him. But she would still be married to him. Do you see the problem here? She couldn’t tell you earlier, because then if SHE forgave him, you might NEVER forgive him. And what if they NEVER got divorced? From then on, all holidays would be awkward for her. And she was NOT going to ruin Christmas Eve dinner, she just was NOT going to do that. Trust us. And what about Flag Day? No one wants Flag Day to be awkward.
My son is getting divorced and I will miss his wife so much. We had become very close! How do I cope with these feelings?!
If YOU love her so much, why don’t YOU marry her!?
But seriously. Put on a brave face for your son, man. Lots of people we like in life come and go. But it’s time to be on your son’s team and support him. HE needs you now. She’s got her own parents to whine to.
I’m humiliated. No one else in our family has gotten divorced, my child will be the first. What do I TELL people?
You tell them that your son or daughter got divorced. Do you want to know why they won’t care? 1) No one cares as much about you and your life as you imagine they do. And, 2) Everyone gets divorced. If this is the only person in your family who has ever been divorced, then you have a bigger problem, and that is, you have a very weird family. Or you just have a family of people pretending to be happy. Which is also weird, when you think about it.
I don’t want to pay for another wedding.
That’s fair.
See?  She understands.

See? She understands.

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Wedding Day Red Flags

We weren’t going to blog today, seeing as it’s Flag Day and we know you’re all probably out, attending Flag Day barbeques, and watching Flag Day parades, and checking out those big Flag Day mattress sales.  But then we thought, what better day for a THEME blog?

You hear a lot about “red flags” in relationships.  They are, disappointingly, not real flags, but rather less tangible things that should serve as warning signs that you are in a bad relationship. Unfortunately, these flags are almost always completely invisible until after you are already divorced.

But love is blind.  And sometimes, “not love” is also blind.  Maybe a better way to say it is, “sometimes we are stupid.”

So in honor of Flag Day, we’ve compiled a cheeky little list of 5 Wedding Day Red Flags. (Somewhat based on actual events.)

5 WEDDING DAY RED FLAGS

1. Your parents’ tears of happiness look more sad than happy.

2. You/Your spouse’s emotional state during the wedding ceremony would best be described as “bored.”

3. People at the reception keep looking at you and saying things like “What’s wrong?” and “Are you okay?” and “Do you want to leave?”

4. You spend more time dancing with your new husband’s friends than with your new husband.

5. Come to think of it, your new husband is spending a lot of time dancing with your maid of honor…

An actual flag is much easier to spot than the fact that you and your spouse are horrible incompatible.

An actual flag is much easier to see than the fact that you and your spouse are horribly incompatible.

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Facebook Causes Divorce

By now, we’ve all heard that Facebook pretty much causes everyone to get divorced.  Or something like that.  And it’s not hard to believe, when you think about it.  In the olden days, if you wanted to catch your spouse cheating, you had to do a lot of legwork.  Those were the days of sitting in the dark in a parked car, waiting for your husband to emerge from a local motel with lipstick on his collar and an off-kilter necktie.  You had to look for real clues.  Break into a briefcase or two. Or wait for them to really slip up.

Nowadays, you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your almost broken home!  Just wait for your spouse to fall asleep and then go bananas on their computer! Email, internet history, Facebook, Amazon orders, whatever!  The thing is, you don’t even have to wait around for them to cheat on you.  Facebook spying really lets you nip it in the bud.  Oh, you “poked” your high school girlfriend?  I’M CALLING A LAWYER.

Anyway, the point is, Facebook is, indeed, a slippery slope for marriages on the rocks.  But did you know that it’s not the only website that is ruining our lives?  We did some of our own research here at EGD and found a few other websites commonly cited in divorce proceedings.

The Top 7 Websites Making People Get Divorced:

1. Facebook

2. www.americasgottalentauditions.com

3. Bing

4. 1-800-PetMeds

5. www.jerryspringertv.com/be-on-the-show

6. http://www.everyonegetsdivorced.com

7. Myspace

Thanks a lot, home wrecker.

Thanks a lot, home wrecker.

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