Monthly Archives: April 2013

Nothing Helps: Tips on Combatting Divorce-Related Depression

If we know one thing here at EGD, it’s that nachos are the greatest food ever invented ever.  However, if we know one MORE thing, it’s that getting divorced is terrible and nothing anyone says or does is going to make you feel better.  That’s just the way it is.  But your friends, god bless ’em, will still try.  No one likes to see you so sad.  It’s depressing.  We can’t even see you and it’s depressing.  We can just feel the depressing mopey energy coming through our computers.  That is how BLOGS WORK.

Anyhow, we say all this, because we, too, are your friends.  And we know that even though nothing is going to make you happy right now, it’s still worth a shot.  We want to make you happy, so we’re going to throw a bunch of ideas at you.  Most likely, they will all make you mad or sad or a frightening combination of the two.  But you never know.  Maybe, just maybe, something someone says actually WILL help.  But probably not.   Just hang in there, kitty on a tree branch.

SOME DUMB SUGGESTIONS FOR COPING WITH DEPRESSION:

1. Call a friend.  I mean, obviously, right?  But do it. Don’t just cry in bed.  Cry on the phone.  Or over Skype.  Or even in person.  Have lunch.  Have lunch with drinks.

2. Get some exercise.  I know – it is the WORST.  But allegedly, it helps people.  Even sad, pathetic people like you.  Tip from Jeanne: Set an attainable goal of 30 minutes, doing something easy.  Then just quit after 22 minutes.

3. Punch a pillow.  It sounds SUPER DUMB but of all the things you want to punch it is the least likely to get your arrested.  It is still possible to get arrested, especially if you are making a big pillow-punching scene in a Pier 1 Imports.

4. Keep a journal.  Even though everything about your life is terrible, try and write 5 things that you are grateful for.  (Hint: Nachos, nachos, nachos, nachos, and nachos.)

5. Just go to the pound and get a new spouse that looks exactly like the old one.

These potential new husbands have had all their shots.

These potential new husbands have had all their shots.

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FAQs: EGD edition

You might have noticed that we’ve taken a bit of a hiatus. And we have. But now we’re back, so you can all take a deep breath and relax. You didn’t think we’d ever REALLY leave you, did you? Do you HONESTLY think we’re the kind of people to make a promise to be with someone and then just go back on that promise? Of course we aren’t.

 While we’ve been gone, we’ve appreciated your many e-mails and Facebook messages. There seems to be a theme to your messages, and that theme is: tell us more about YOU. Well, as luck would have it, our very favorite subject about which to talk is ourselves. So today we answer YOUR questions about US.
FAQs:
1) How tall are you?: Together, We are about 10 feet 10 inches tall. Jessica is taller, so she is the “base” and Jeanne stands on her shoulders and wears all of the hats.
2) What is your favorite food?: Nachos. Every time one of us eats nachos we take a picture of the nachos. We are currently developing a new website called “Everyone Eats Nachos” that is just going to be a gallery of our nacho pictures. Stay tuned.
3) Do you answer all of your fan mail?: Almost all of it. Our fan mail goes through a very specific process. Basically, Jeanne checks our e-mail and sees that we have a new message. She reads it, says something along the lines of “not this shit again”, and then closes it and completely forgets it exists. About a week later, Jessica will check the e-mail and find a bunch of read but unanswered messages. Then she responds to them all quickly. Except for the really really dumb ones. Feel free to e-mail us at everyonegetsdivorced@gmail.com if you want a message from Jessica in about one week.
4) Are you writing a book?: Of course we’re writing a book, don’t be stupid.
5) I think you are terrible people because you make light of marriage and marriage is important and marriage marriage marriage. : That isn’t a question at all. But to answer your non-question, shut up. You’re a terrible person because you’re UGLY.
6) How long were you married?: Well, we’ve never been married to one another yet, but our first marriages were approximately 4 years long when you add them together.
7) Are you just making these questions up? Are they even real?: We don’t understand what this means.
8) What would you do if you won the lottery?: Delete this website and move to Disney World.
9) What’s on your iPod?: Jeanne’s iPod is in the washing machine because she likes to wash hers. Jessica’s has a bottle of Gatorade on it because she’s using it as a coaster on her coffee table.
10) If you could meet any person, living or dead, who would you choose?: Jeanne: President Franklin Pierce. Jessica: Ignacio Anaya, the inventor of nachos.
iCoaster.

iCoaster.

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