We know what you’re thinking. “Romantic ways to propose? But isn’t this a hilarious blog about divorce?” It is, fair reader, it is. And today, we were going to write about “Unromantic Ways to Propose Divorce.” You know, like, instead of covering the bed in rose petals, you sprinkle burnt toast crumbs all over the sheets, and then, when your spouse complains about the bed full of crumbs, you say, “If you don’t like it, get out. Also, I never loved you. Let’s make it official!”
But, while doing research, we got distracted by this article on The Knot. It’s “50 Romantic Ways to Propose.” So instead, we chose 5 of our favorite proposals for the criminally insane, and we’re going to share those with you today. Because if you think about it, the first step to getting divorced is getting engaged.
If for some reason, your gal does not have an “everyday ring” that she keeps in a jewelry box, you should try and get her to start wearing an everyday ring. Take her everyday ring shopping. She will, of course, think you’re going to propose, and be horribly disappointed when you buy her a cheap “everyday” ring. Ironic, because you ARE going to propose, but not YET. Not until you can be sure that she’s not expecting you to pull the ol’ ring switcheroo in her jewelry box. But now, she starts thinking, well sure, I’ve got this nice everyday ring, but I’m 32 and I’m ready to start the next phase of this relationship. And people keep asking, “When are you going to get married?” And she keeps telling them, “I DON’T KNOW. AT THIS RATE, MAYBE NEVER.” And she starts being real moody. I mean, she’s acting like kind of a bitch, really. I’m sorry. I mean, you love her, but that’s the truth. And then you decide that maybe this isn’t the kind of woman you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with. And that’s how the everyday ring switcheroo proposal can sometimes go awry.
Now, if the divers say, “Proposal show? Is that a thing?” or, “We don’t really do that. This is an aquarium, not a baseball stadium.” Then you should probably scrap the whole engagement thing, because, really. You’re a grown man and you can’t even bribe a diver into helping you with your aquarium proposal.
NOTE: This plan requires extensive training in the art of pumpkin carving as well as a larger than average pumpkin.
As you walk to the park on this warm, breezy afternoon, you’re going to want to conceal the underside of the kite, because you don’t want your lady to see the message until the time is right. You’re going to be acting pretty weird, because it’s awkward and you’re nervous that you’re going to ruin the surprise. She’s going to be suspicious. She’ll probably accuse you of hiding something. And you ARE cheating on her, after all, but does it really count as cheating if it’s more of an emotional affair? That’s a discussion for another less breezy day, though. When you finally launch the kite, she will be unable to read the message.Really? The hooker movie? Okay.