COUNSELING
noun
- Drinking to excess
Usage:
- “I found out my wife was cheating on me, but ever since I started counseling, I’ve been feeling a lot better.”
- “I’m doing counseling 4 days a week now.”
Counseling, mid-session.
Word of the Day: Counseling
Everyone Gets Divorced
and other facts we made up
Monthly Archives: July 2012
MORE FAQs
Q: “Why do you say that everyone gets divorced?”
A: Because they do.
Q: “You know what? EVERYONE doesn’t get divorced.”
A: Wrong.
Q: “I have a problem with your site. NOT EVERYONE gets divorced.”
A: Yuh huh.
Leftover Wedding Matches
For years after your wedding (and divorce) you’re going to keep finding those books of matches with your names on them. Because leftover wedding matches are like fruit flies. Just when you think you’re rid of them, you find one more. By a banana.
But you don’t have to throw them out. Here are some alternatives to the trash:
YOU GOOGLE, We Answer
Here at EGD, we like to see how you, people of the internet, are finding our website. Many of you find us by googling a phrase or question. We see what you’re googling and we pay special attention to these search terms, because we want to know what’s on your mind. That’s why we’re going to address some of your internet search terms directly. You have questions and you deserve answers.
You searched: “How come everyone gets divorced?”
ANSWER: El Nino.
You searched: “What’s the point of marriage if everyone gets divorced anyway?”
ANSWER: Presents.
You searched: “Is trapper joe divorced?”
ANSWER: We don’t know who or what that is, but probably.
You searched: “Can a job not hire you because you’re divorced?”
ANSWER: Yes. Absolutely. In fact, they are often forbidden from hiring you. Or at least, we assume that’s why we’re both unemployable.
You searched: “No one wants to hear about my divorce.”
ANSWER: Correct! You get a gold star, person of the internet!
You searched: “How long did you cry over your divorce?”
ANSWER: It was pretty long but not as long as I cried after I accidentally killed a lightning bug that got stuck in my hair.
You searched: “the dogs of divorce”
ANSWER: Yes, we do sell a dogs of divorce calendar. It will be available for Christmas 2012.
You searched: “How do you react when they say no?”
ANSWER: We don’t know what you’re asking them, but we can still answer with the utmost confidence that you should hold your breath until you get what you want.
You searched: “Flag.”
ANSWER: Yes, totally. Flag.
Try New Things
When you get out of a serious relationship, it’s a good idea to branch out and try new things. This will help you forget about the past and move on with your life. It’s also a good way to become a new you!
But where do you start? Right here.
TOUGH LOVE: Facebook
We found that you enjoy being yelled at, so we’re going to keep it coming in another edition of “Tough Love Mondays.” Today we’re going to talk some sense into you about facebook and the problems it presents for you, post-breakup.
“I can’t stop checking my ex’s facebook. I just want to know what they’re doing!”
You need to STOP IT. You’re probably one of those people that looks up symptoms on WebMD and then decides you have Multiple Sclerosis or Lyme Disease or whatever. DO NOT be that person. It doesn’t matter what your ex is doing or who they’re doing it with. Use facebook for good instead of evil. Busy yourself by judging your old high school classmates and making fun of ugly babies.
“I get really upset when I see my ex posting new pictures on facebook.”
Quick question: Why are you still facebook friends with your ex? Don’t answer that! THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION.
“My ex put up a status and I don’t understand what it means.”
You DO NOT NEED TO KNOW what it means.
“I saw that my ex became friends with some new people. I hate to think that my ex is meeting all these new people and probably dating new people too.”
Unfriend your ex. Immediately. You are acting like a crazy person. You may have rabies. Have you been hanging out with raccoons?
“My ex changed their status to “in a relationship.” I am devastated. It feels like a thousand hot knives in my chest.”
GOOD. You deserve it for not unfriending them.
“My ex has restricted their profile so I can only see what new “likes” they have. I notice that my ex recently liked George Takei. What do you think that means? Is my ex dating George Takei??!”
YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO OWN A COMPUTER.
What Your Ex is Doing Right Now
No matter who you are, you’re going to find yourself wondering about your ex from time to time. You can’t help it. But we’re not all as lucky as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. They can just pick up a copy of People magazine to see what their ex is up to. (They don’t even have to buy it!) But the rest of us are all left imagining. Speculating. Trying not to care but still sort of caring.
We can help. It so happens that we know EXACTLY what your ex is doing RIGHT NOW.
Divorce…of the future
If you’re like us, you probably spend a lot of time thinking, “Sure, divorce is great now, but how different will it be 100 years from now?” Well, we have some ideas. Here are our predictions about divorce of the future.
DIVORCE OF THE FUTURE
- You will find out that your husband was having an affair with his robot secretary.
- Your husband will claim that it’s not “really cheating”‘ if it’s with a robot.
- You will find out that your wife was having an affair with her cyborg personal trainer.
- When you move out, your appliances will decide for themselves who they’re going to live with.
- You and your spouse will have your holograms do all your bickering.
- You will drive your flying car to meet with your divorce attorney.
- You will take the hovercraft to meet with your divorce attorney.
- You will use a complicated system of moving sidewalks to walk to your divorce attorney.
- After separating, you will have to get used to the fact that your wife is not cooking dinner for you. Fortunately, dinner is delivered to you by the push of a button.
- Your robot butler will console you as you cry yourself to sleep.
Slut.
Relaxation Technique: Breathing
- Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose, filling your abdomen. Pause briefly and exhale through your mouth, making a quiet whooshing sound like the wind as you blow gently out. Your mouth, tongue, and jaw will be relaxed. Focus on the sound and feeling of breathing as you become more and more relaxed. As you become more relaxed, gather up a frying pan, butter, bread, and cheese.
- Place the pan on the stove over medium heat.
- Lightly butter one side of one piece of bread and put it on the heated pan.
- Next, place your desired quantity of sliced cheese on top of the bread. Butter one side of a second slice of bread and place it (buttered side out) on top of the cheese right away.
- You may wish to cover the pan to help the cheese melt. Also, keep breathing.
- Wait one minute and check to see if the bottom slice of bread has browned. When it has achieved a light golden brown color, you may flip the sandwich over and cook the other side.
- Remember, the second side will cook faster because the sandwich knows how much you want to eat it.
- Keep breathing the air.
- When the second side has browned, you may remove it from heat, place it on a plate, and cut it diagonally, but not horizontally.
- You may now eat your grilled cheese sandwich and discontinue breathing.
It kind of looks like… a sandwich.
Everyone Gets Divorced 