Category Archives: Concerns

Asking Santa For a Divorce

The holidays are a stressful time. They’re even more stressful if you’re trapped in a marriage that makes you feel like you’re being buried alive. But if you’re into delaying the inevitable, as most of us are, you’re probably thinking that you’ll just wait until “after the holidays” to make any decisions. And we understand that logic. Mainly, because it demonstrates a lack of real logical thinking. Because, if you think about it, there are always more holidays. Sure, Christmas might be over, but then it’s New Years. And then what about Valentine’s Day? And, as you know, no one wants to get divorced when Flag Day is right around the corner.

But there are some practical aspects in deciding when the “right time” is.

Some things to consider:

1. Kids.  Do you have them? Are you determined to give them one last magical happy family Christmas? Okay. Fair enough. We know you’re not a monster. Wait until January when everyone’s depressed anyway.

2. Future kids.  Do you happen to be a pregnant woman? Are you insane?  You might be. You may as well wait until the baby is outside of you. If for no other reason, you’ll want to be able to drink safely when this all goes down.

3. Travel.  Are you flying somewhere for the holidays? If so, is it with your spouse? If so, are your plane tickets refundable? Or can you at least make changes to your tickets for a nominal fee?

4. Gifts.  Have you already bought your spouse a gift? Is it something you can return? If not, is it something you might like to keep for yourself? On the flip-side, do you happen to know what your spouse is getting you? Like maybe you accidentally went through their email and accidentally saw an order confirmation from Amazon? Is this a gift you would still like to receive?  Think about it. You don’t want to rush into (or out of) anything if you stand the chance of getting a nice e-reader or something.

5.  In-laws.  Do you like them? Would you maybe like one last chance to see them and say a goodbye (without telling them that you’re saying goodbye)? Or, do you hate them? Do you hate them enough that the idea of NOT having to see them is reason enough to ask for a divorce?

6. Laziness.  Are you lazy? Are you a big procrastinator, especially for unpleasant things like going to the DMV or paying medical bills? If so, let’s face it–you’re definitely going to wait until after this holiday season. You might even wait for several more holiday seasons to pass.

7. Miscellaneous. Does your husband normally dress up as Santa at your family’s Christmas party? Can you find a replacement on short notice? Does your wife do all your gift wrapping? Do you have any idea how to wrap a gift? Do you always end up with an inch of box that is completely uncovered by paper?

So, there you have it. We can’t tell you what to do or when to do it. But we’ve given you a lot to think about. Just remember this: the time is never really right and no one cares how a gift is wrapped–it’s how expensive the gift is that matters.

Nailed it.

 

 

 

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Splitting Up Mutual Friends

If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, you undoubtedly have a lot of mutual friends. But when “you, the couple” ceases to exist, where do your friends go? Are there rules for who gets who?

Well, not really. But we made some up, so you can use these if you want.

THE RULES FOR SPLITTING UP FRIENDS:

You can claim a friend if:

  • you work together.
  • you attended high school together.
  • they were the best man or maid of honor in your wedding.
  • you own or owned any “best friends” jewelry or accessories together.
  • they never liked your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend anyhow.

*Note: If you and your ex work together or attended high school together, friends are traditionally awarded on the basis of gender. Ladies take ladies and men take men.

But what about the friends that belong pretty equally to you both?

Well, this is where it gets tricky. You probably have a lot of friends who you met at the same time and who, for some reason, like both of you. For these friends, there are a few options:

  • Neither of you gets them. This option applies mainly to your “couple friends” who only liked you because you were another couple they could have dinners or board gaming nights with.
  • Divide them by gender. Once again, ladies take the lady friends and men take the men friends. (This is not a good method for same sex couples.)
  • Give them time. Your friends probably don’t want to be caught in the middle of this whole thing. Sometimes you just need to  cut your friends a break and leave them alone for a while. Refrain from calling them up to cry/whine/complain about your breakup. (This is a good method for lazy/antisocial people.) And if it turns out that your ex is being pathetic and insufferable, this almost guarantees that those friends will eventually get sick of it and gravitate toward you.
  • Hold a competition. You and your ex stand side-by-side. Each of you holds a treat and claps, snaps fingers, or calls the friend’s name. Whoever the friend goes to first gets to claim that friend. (This method works best for dog friends.)
divorce humor blog

It might not feel like it now, but you’ll find someone else to play Bananagrams with.

 

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YOU GOOGLE, We Answer

Here at EGD, we like to see how you, people of the internet, are finding our website.  Many of you find us by googling a phrase or question. We see what you’re googling and we pay special attention to these search terms, because we want to know what’s on your mind. That’s why we’re going to address some of your internet search terms directly. You have questions and you deserve answers.

You searched: “How come everyone gets divorced?

ANSWER: El Nino.

You searched: “What’s the point of marriage if everyone gets divorced anyway?”

ANSWER: Presents.

You searched: “Is trapper joe divorced?”

ANSWER: We don’t know who or what that is, but probably.

You searched:  “Can a job not hire you because you’re divorced?”

ANSWER: Yes. Absolutely. In fact, they are often forbidden from hiring you. Or at least, we assume that’s why we’re both unemployable.

You searched:  “No one wants to hear about my divorce.”

ANSWER: Correct! You get a gold star, person of the internet!

You searched: “How long did you cry over your divorce?”

ANSWER: It was pretty long but not as long as I cried after I accidentally killed a lightning bug that got stuck in my hair.

You searched: “the dogs of divorce”

ANSWER: Yes, we do sell a dogs of divorce calendar. It will be available for Christmas 2012.

You searched: “How do you react when they say no?”

ANSWER:  We don’t know what you’re asking them, but we can still answer with the utmost confidence that you should hold your breath until you get what you want.

You searched:  “Flag.”

ANSWER: Yes, totally.  Flag.

funny divorce blog

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FAQs

Sometimes you ask us questions. This is how we answer them. And sometimes you don’t have to ask us questions. We just know what you’re thinking.

Q: Will people be able to tell I’m divorced just by looking at me?

A: Yes. Because you will look really really happy.

Q: Why are you so anti-marriage?

A: We’re not anti-marriage. In fact, we’re so pro-marriage, there was a time we were willing to marry just about anything to prove it.

Q: I’ve been divorced for 2 years and I just can’t move on. I feel like I’ll be single forever. Why can’t I get over my ex?

A: 2 years and you haven’t been hastily remarried? There’s your problem.

Q: Why do you say that “everyone” gets divorced? Surely, not “EVERYONE” gets divorced. My parents have been married for 40 years and they’ve never been divorced.

A:  Oh, simple reader. We know, we know. We are so frequently asked this question. We see your confusion, too. We’re not judging you. But yes, everyone does get divorced. I’m sure you’ve heard the fact: approximately 50 percent of marriages in America will end in divorce. And, as you probably know, a marriage consists of two people. If half of people get divorced, 1 out of every 2 people will get divorced. If marriage consists of two people, for every 1 person getting divorced, 2 people are ACTUALLY getting divorced. Doesn’t that make sense to you? It doesn’t make sense to us either, but a high school MATH teacher told it to us, and we believe everything teachers say. And so should you. So, we hate to tell you, but your parents are actually divorced and always have been.

Q: Some never-married religious person just told me that any marriage can last through Jesus’ love as long as both people recognize that the other is a sinner. Does that make any sense to you?

A: No.

Dogs of Divorce: Dispelling the Myths

If you have dogs, and you’re thinking about getting a divorce, you’re probably dealing with a lot of guilt.  “What about the dogs?” people will say.  Well, worry no more.  We’re dispelling some of the most common myths about dogs and divorce.

Myth 1: “Your dog will never forgive you after the divorce.”

Fact: Your dog doesn’t know that you’re divorced.

Myth 2: “Your dog won’t be able to have a healthy marriage in the future.”

Fact: Dogs are not allowed to get married.

Myth 3: “‘Your dog will regress to previous infantile behaviors.”

Fact: Your dog eats poop.

 

Dogs that are fine.

Myth 4: “Your dog will have problems at school.”

Fact: Dogs don’t have to go to school.

Myth 5: “Your dog will miss your ex.”

Fact: Your new boyfriend gives your dog treats, too.

Myth 6: “Your dog will start overeating.”

Fact:  If given the option, your dog would literally eat until he died, regardless of your marital status.

 

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FAQs

So you’re getting a divorce. We anticipate that you might have some questions about your upcoming un-nuptials, or maybe even about us. Here are some common questions, with some very scientific answers:

Q:  What if I don’t have enough money to get divorced?!

A:   NO ONE HAS ANY MONEY.

Q: But who are you? Why do YOU know so much? How do you know I’ll be OK?!

A:  We’re the internet. And as you well know, the internet is always right, and knows everything. Granted, we aren’t Wikipedia, but we ARE prettier than Wikipedia. You’ll be OK because we say you will, and we’re the internet, and the internet is always right and knows everything. *logic*

Q: But what will my parents think?

A: Your parents are dead.

or

They’ll get over it.

 Q: Everyone will think I’m a failure!

A: First of all, this isn’t a question, but a statement, so we are sorry that our educational system has failed you. Secondly, you’re only an automatically assumed failure if the scores of awesome divorced people are failures too. Do you HONESTLY think that J-Lo is a FAILURE? We didn’t think so.

Q: What about my dog? Will I get to keep him?

A: You will keep that dog. Oh yes, you will keep that dog. But, please be prepared to have a frank and honest discussion with your dog about why he or she will have a new daddy soon.

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