Advice to Girls Who Have Not Yet Made All the Mistakes That They’re Still Probably Going to Make

This is advice we would give our teenage daughter if we had teenage daughters, but we know that our teenage daughter wouldn’t listen to us. So if you’re a young woman, read this and trust us.  Because we’re strangers and not your mom. This might not all seem important right now, but just you wait.
  • You are not in love with your high school boyfriend. Quick test: Are you in high school?  If you’ve answered yes, you have not met your soul mate.
  • No one is looking at your hair.
  • You’re allowed to break up with a guy, even if he’s nice.
  • You’re allowed to break up with a guy, even if he’s really nice.
  • If you’re dating a guy who is neither nice, nor really nice, you should break up with him too.
  • If you’re dating a guy just because your mom likes him so much, you should break up with him. Maybe your mom should date him if she likes him so much!
  • Don’t tell your mom, “Maybe you should date him if you like him so much!” That’s bratty.
  • If your mom says you’re wearing too much eyeliner, she’s probably right.
  • If you’re dating a guy who your parents really hate, they probably have their reasons.  You should break up with him.
  • Remember this: All of the most popular girls at school will be fat one day.  (If you are one of  the most popular girls at school, our condolences on getting fat one day.)
  • When you’re out of high school you’re going to think that you’re a real adult.  You are not. Sorry.
  • Your first “real” relationship in college is still practice.
  • You do not love your college boyfriend. (Maybe you do, but you probably don’t.)
  • Never take a shot just because someone hands it to you. You never need to take shots. Getting drunk is not that hard.
  • No matter how long you date someone, you will never be required to get engaged.
  • If you do get engaged, you are not required to go through with it. Calling off an engagement is cool.
  • When you’re planning your big beautiful wedding, you can call that off too. At any point. No matter how many deposits you will lose or how mad you think your parents are going to be. Calling off a wedding is super cool.
  • There’s a chance that you will, however, end up married to someone who you shouldn’t be married to. And this is when you must remember that divorce is an option.
  • By the way, if you ever read about a celebrity who says something like “I don’t believe in divorce. For me, divorce is not an option,” it means that they’re probably going to get divorced soon. In general, you should never listen to what celebrities have to say.  They also say that they stay in shape by doing pilates and eating whatever they want.  They are LYING.
  • Divorce is always an option. It doesn’t matter if your wedding was expensive. It doesn’t matter if you have 3 kids. It’s an option. It’s not much fun. But if it seems like a more attractive option than staying married, it’s probably your best option.
  • Low carb diets are stupid.
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18 thoughts on “Advice to Girls Who Have Not Yet Made All the Mistakes That They’re Still Probably Going to Make

  1. Amy says:

    Oh where or where were you 15 years ago?????????????????????????????????????????? YES to the fact that you probably don’t really love your college boyfriend!

  2. Oh, my lovely ladies! Not only have you made the day for your respective mothers, you have sent some very wise and useful info out into the universe. I hope that lots of young ladies will take advantage of the fact that you are not their mothers! Your genius must not be ignored!

  3. ARK Stories says:

    This is completely awesome. I wish I wrote it.

  4. Wendy Weichenthal says:

    I hope some younger readers will avoid heartache with this one!

  5. Julie says:

    I DO have a teenage daughter but I know she won’t listen. Sigh. But you know what? We ALL had to make these mistakes to figure it out so she will, too. And maybe I can slip in some of the most important stuff along the way that will save her SOME of the pain. Thanks. I LOVED this post.

  6. raz says:

    Required reading.

  7. dan says:

    Do you reply to every comment left, no matter how inconsequential?

  8. magpie says:

    Yes!! Thanks! My only issue is this: What if a teenage girl reading this is fat, and she comes across “Remember this: All of the most popular girls at school will be fat one day. (If you are one of the most popular girls at school, our condolences on getting fat one day.)”?

    I really want to send this to my 15-year-old niece, but she happens to be a bigger girl, and she’s totally fine with that. The baby fat is definitely going away these days, but she’s always been a confident, outgoing, lovely, and–yes–popular girl despite her weight.

    Admittedly I love the fact that all the popular girls from my high school are getting fat too, but I won’t be sharing this with my beautiful niece because of the message that point sends.

    • fancytramp says:

      We see your point. It can be difficult to write one-size-fits-all advice. But if you really want your niece to read it, feel free to copy and paste the rest into an email, and just leave that part out. Problem solved. Although, your niece sounds lovely and you say she’s popular too, so it sounds like she’s doing okay without us. Actually, maybe she could advise us.

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