How a Divorce Will Help You Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of year again. Divorce season. According to some pretty flimsy data, January has more people filing for divorce than any other month. So today we’re going to show you how getting a divorce can actually HELP you stick to your other new year’s resolutions!

1. Lose Weight/Get in Shape
You are almost sure to lose weight if you get a divorce this year. Either you will be too depressed to eat or you’ll be extremely motivated to get in shape because you’re “back on the market.” (Ugh, gross. Sorry for saying that.)

2. Quit Smoking
You don’t want to put “smoker” on your profile and you’re not going to LIE to, are you??

3. Try New Things
That’s easy. Once you get divorced, you will spend a lot of time doing new things because you have to. Did you always let your husband drive? Well, now you have to try to parallel park a car on your own. Isn’t that exciting?

4. Diet
You’re going to be on the single person’s diet where you just eat a cup of noodles for every meal. The pounds will melt right off.

5. Get Out of Debt/Save Money
You might not get out of debt that easily, but think of all the money you’ll save on Valentine’s cards and anniversary cards and romantic Flag Day cards!

6. Spend More Time With Family
You will definitely spend more time with your kids because you won’t be able to say, “Hey honey, can you watch the kids?” while you go take a shower. You’ll also spend more time with your parents/siblings/whoever’s couch you’re sleeping on for a few months.

7. Travel More
Hmm. I guess if you’re a single woman with lots of money you can ‘eat, pray, love’ it or whatever. I mean, you probably won’t travel LESS. They have singles cruises, right? Is that still a thing? You know what? Travel is very overrated.

8. Be Less Stressed
This might take a while. If you decide to get a divorce in 2014, you might be more stressed at first. But once you’re divorced, you’ll feel better because you won’t wake up every day with that case of “the murders.”

9. Volunteer
Well that’s dumb. You won’t have time to volunteer what with all the traveling and exercising and parallel parking you’ll be doing.

10. Drink Less
Don’t even bother.

Should old acquaintance be divorced.

Should old acquaintance be divorced.

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Christmas Survival Tips

While perusing the internet recently, we came across this article about surviving Christmas after divorce.

In it, the author gives us “helpful” tips on how to survive Christmas post-divorce, particularly if you are not in the company of your children for the holiday.  While we applaud the author’s efforts, we think her tips for survival are a little uninspired and perhaps a little too obvious to really warrant an article. Unless you consider painting a room of your house on Christmas Eve creative and fun. Then the list might be for you after all.  We break her tips down for you here:

1.  Think out of the box.: Here, the author tells you that you don’t NEED to have the same traditions you had when you were married! Well, yes, that’s probably fairly obvious. You probably won’t be wrapping Christmas presents by yourself while your ex-husband snores on Christmas Eve as you repeatedly hit him and say “wake up…wake UP! I need your HELP!” You also might lose that old tradition where your now ex-wife tells you on Christmas Day that she’s not sure she loves you anymore.

2.  Make a plan to call your children at a particular time. Hmm. Yeah, Ok. I guess you can do that. Or you can just call them at any old time, too. We think it probably doesn’t matter. But if planning phone calls in advance is how you get your (holly) jollies, go for it.

3.  Invite family or friends over for Christmas Eve. Yes, this will be a new, groundbreaking holiday that you spend with your friends and family now that you’re divorced. With whom did you spend all of your married Christmases? Strangers? That actually sounds kind of fun.

4.  If your kids are going to be gone for two or three days and you cannot bear being in the house alone, plan a short trip. Oh yes, excellent. There is nothing to take the stress off like unnecessary travel during the holidays. I hope your short trip is largely focused on siting in an airport and waiting out weather delays.

5.  Allow yourself to do whatever you could not do when the kids were with you. You know how you always wanted to run around the house naked on Christmas Day, smoking drugs and shouting obscenities, but you couldn’t because the KIDS were there?! Now’s your chance!

6.  Watch a movie that makes you feel uplifted. She doesn’t give any examples here, but we can only imagine that she means something like Jurassic Park. The FIRST one. The other ones are terribly depressing.

7.  Do something creative. Here the author suggests: “[m]aybe a room in the house needs to be painted. You are alone, and no one said that you cannot decorate or fix up the house on Christmas Eve. ” Did you hear that? NO ONE told you that you can’t paint a room! So obviously you should do that. Finally, you’re rid of that pain in the ass husband who used to tell you EVERY Christmas  Eve that you are NOT ALLOWED to paint a room today! He’s been holding you back all of these years from exercising your extreme room painting creativity. Also, in case you’ve forgotten, the author would like to remind you that you are alone. All alone.

8.  Remember that divorce shatters both partners’ self esteem. Ok, we’re not entirely clear what the point of this one is. We suppose it might shatter both partners’ self-esteem, but also maybe not. Possibly if your ex-wife is already re-married to a taller, more handsome, rich doctor, her self-esteem is actually doing just fine. (She’s probably not, so don’t even worry about it.)

9.  Write your story. Oh god, no. Please don’t.

Nothing says Christmas like the smell of fresh paint.

Nothing says Christmas like the smell of fresh paint.

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Don’t Get the Job!

There are enough HELPFUL job search tips out there about doing the RIGHT things. You don’t need another one of those. So here. Get a job. Or don’t. We don’t care.

Don’t listen to people who say you should have an up-to-date resume. Those people don’t know about all the demeaning jobs you’ve taken since getting laid off from your last real job.

Start with companies you admire. Tell them how much you enjoy their snack chips. Also make sure to mention your favorite flavor of snack chips in your cover letter.

Use the Internet. Monster is very useful for finding jobs that you won’t get. Facebook is a good backup just in case someone you knew in 3rd grade suddenly becomes a millionaire and needs an assistant.

Also, use Twitter. How? We still don’t know. But it is very important in every facet of your life.

Dress for the job you won’t get, not the job you don’t have.

You’ll spend the better part of a week googling “how to write a cover letter” and you’ll never find the answer. Lesson learned? Google is broken. Use Twitter instead.

Don’t worry. You won’t make it this far.

job hunting tips

Special skills: Camouflage.

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What’s Wrong With Divorcees?

Q: I have a friend who occasionally makes derogatory comments about “divorcees.” I’ve been divorced and it kind of offends me. Should I say something?

A: That depends. One possible explanation is that your friend has actually forgotten about your divorce, which means you’re doing a pretty good job of acting like a normal person. In this case, say nothing! You’re passing! DON’T BLOW IT.

Another explanation is that your friend is a jerk. If you suspect this is the case, go ahead and say something like, “Nice haircut, jerk.” (That will cut them right to the core.) And then get some new friends.

If you’re just looking to raise awareness about divorcees, consider starting a blog about divorce. That’s the best way to remind people that you’ve been divorced.

Oh, and one last thing. Don’t start a blog about divorce.

If you do start a blog, for the love of God, make it about baby animals.

If you do start a blog, for the love of God, make it about baby animals.

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Why Do People Get Married? Part 2

Why do people get married only to get divorced? How do you make that mistake?
This is by far the question we get asked most often, so we will keep answering it in new and different ways until everyone understands. It’s simple, really.
In the old days, there were several reasons that people got married:
  1. You wanted to get pregnant.
  2. You were already pregnant.
  3. You got that girl pregnant.

But nowadays, strangely enough, people often get married regardless of their fetal situations. Even in a state of absolute non-pregnancy, people vow to spend the rest of their lives with a person who they aren’t even particularly fond of. See? You’re not the only one.

Here’s the way it frequently goes down:

You go off to college and you think that you’re very wise and all grown up.  You demonstrate this by doing extremely wise things. Like wearing hemp jewelry. And getting your nose pierced. And joining the local chapter of the Green Party. And it’s at this point in your life, that you meet someone. You start dating and you’re basically soul mates! You like the same movies! He likes Indian food. And YOU like Indian Food! It’s shaping up to be the greatest love story of all time. And then all of a sudden you’re in your mid-20’s and you’ve been eating Indian food, and loving Edward Scissorhands for what seems like forever, and people just assume that you’re going to get married, and you’re one of those people! You don’t even think about it.

You don’t think about the possibility that there are any other options. You’ve known each other FOREVER. And you’re definitely old enough to make big life-changing decisions now.  You’re 23. Sure, he bugs you and he makes you angry but that’s normal. You can’t break up with a person just because they say the word “nuclear” incorrectly, right?  So you don’t even consider the possibility that you won’t end up married. You’ve seen television shows. Everybody Loves Raymond or whatever. They’re adults. They’re married. But they are constantly pissing each other off. That’s what love is, right? Thinking that your boyfriend or husband is a complete idiot. Way to go, Hollywood. Everyone’s been so worried about how the media promotes eating disorders and promiscuity, when the real problem is that it teaches young people that being married means that you’re eternally annoyed by your doofus of a mate.

Anyhow, let’s forget how Ray Romano ruined our lives. You’re 20-something. So old!  And everyone knows you’re going to get married to this person. So you just do it. And you might even know, deep down, that this isn’t the greatest idea. But you can rationalize that you’re doing the right thing. Let’s not forget the Indian food connection.

Of course this does not apply to everyone. There are people who get married at a very young age and stay married for the suggested duration. (Forever.)  And there are even some people who enter serious relationships with someone who isn’t quite right for them and they actually manage to break up with that person before marrying them.

Let’s go ahead and assume that you don’t think that getting divorced is a mortal sin.  Maybe you believe in God, but you don’t believe that you’re going to go to hell for getting divorced. What’s the big deal? Getting a divorce is just like any other break-up except it involves a lot of paperwork and it’s a colossal pain. But there’s no need to be embarrassed.  People break up all the time. People make mistakes.

And the secret is that an ill-advised marriage and the subsequent divorce can be quite amusing. It’s like any painful decision. It’s not so funny at the time. It’s sad. It’s stressful. But with time and distance, you’ll be able to laugh about it. Just like the hemp necklace. But, again, with more paperwork.

Not everybody loves you.

Not everybody loves you.

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Divorce Math

Q: Now that I’m divorced, I feel like I am less desirable to the opposite sex…am I?

A: Oh my. We didn’t really want to answer this question, but I think we have to. To put it bluntly, yes. But it’s not because there is some terrible stigma with divorce these days. There isn’t. Too many divorced people exist to truly have a high quality stigma associated with it. Maybe a mini-stigma, more along the lines of having ADHD. (Note: Everyone has ADHD.) How much less desirable you are can be discovered through a simple desirability math equation. We know, we know. Math is the worst. But just suffer through this with us.

Let’s imagine that people of average desirability are 10’s

Start at 10

Subtract 1 point for being a divorced MAN.

Subtract 2 points for being a divorced WOMAN. (Sorry ladies. We’re just being real with you.)

Subtract 1 point for every child you had with your Ex-Spouse.

Subtract 1000 points if you whine and cry every day about being divorced.

Subtract 1,000,000 points if you ever use the following phrases:  “Ever since the betrayal”…”I’ve found it just impossible to breathe these days”…”Coping with the loss”…. “My divorce journey…”  

Fear not, you can get some points back:

Add 1 point if most people would describe you as “fun-loving”. 

Add 2 points if you have a perfectly symmetrical face, like Halle Berry.

Add 3 points if you can play an instrument other than the trombone.

Add 1,000 points if you can play the trombone.

Add 1,000,000 points for being rich.

Add 1,000,000,000 points if you’re Halle Berry. 


Twice divorced, still desirable.

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How Do You Save Your Marriage?

More specifically:

Q: How do you save your marriage when your husband/wife doesn’t want to try?

A: You get a divorce.

That’s not meant to be funny.  And you probably aren’t laughing. This is a problem that many people face, and unfortunately, the real answer to the question is: you don’t. If the other person doesn’t want to try, there’s nothing more you can do.  You can’t just try twice as hard.  And why would you want to?  God, that’s so much trying.  And trying is just the worst.  If your marriage is in trouble, and the person you’re married to doesn’t seem to care, you should get out.  Get out now.  And save all that “trying” energy for something worthwhile.  Like, learning Chinese.  Or glassblowing.  Or starting a band.  Or doing Sudoku.  (Do people still do that?  Is that a thing you have to try at?  We don’t really know.)  The point is, your energy is better spent doing literally ANYTHING ELSE other than working on your marriage.  It sucks.  But you’ll be glad when you know Chinese and you’re not spending all your time and energy trying to save your marriage to a dummy.


A List of Other Things That Are NOT Worth Your Energy:

1) High school math — You’ll never use it.

2) Middle school math — You’ll only use it in high school.

3) Sometimes 5th grade math — You will literally NEVER use an improper fraction.

4) Making a cake “from scratch”— What is this “scratch” anyway? It sounds disgusting. Don’t bother mixing together your own sugars and sifting flour when you can buy cake mix for 97 cents that is perfect every time.

5) Trying to be a better person — YOU ARE FINE.

6) Trying to be more patient — Good idea. Have fun wasting your life, waiting around for stuff.

7) Working on forgiveness — Seems like a waste of time when you could channel that energy into despicable acts of revenge.

8) Having defined abs — Unless you star in informercials. Otherwise, dumb.
When you're on your death bed, you won't wish you had sifted more.

When you’re on your death bed, you won’t wish you had sifted more.

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Why Do People Get Married?

We like to answer questions here at EGD.  We enjoy a good challenge.  (So long as the challenge is not too challenging.)  And here’s a questions we get all the time:

If everyone gets divorced, why does anyone bother getting married?

Pessimists love this question. People mistake us for pessimists because of the name of this site.  But we’re actually not pessimists at all.  We’re just liars/bad at math. (We concluded that everyone gets divorced after knowing approximately 3 other people who got divorced.)  We know that not EVERYONE gets divorced.  It’s probably only, like, 97 percent of everyone.  But the website is named as such and there’s nothing we can do about it now.

So why do people bother?  Why does anyone get married these days? If it’s not going to last, what’s the point?  Well, there are a lot of reasons that people claim to get married.   Because your relationship is solid.  Because you won’t be part of the statistic.  Because you don’t BELIEVE in divorce.  Because you’re in LOVE and you’re happy and hopeful and optimistic and sure and blah blah blah shouting it from the rooftops.  It doesn’t matter.  You know why? Because you don’t HAVE to have a good reason to get married.  So what if it doesn’t last? Why do people bother getting married?  Let me answer your question with a bunch of questions:

Why does anyone make their bed? (You’re just going to unmake it again.)

Why does anyone get a manicure? (If you’re like me, you will ruin it before exiting the salon.)

Why does anyone have a live Christmas tree? (It’s just going to lose its needles and die.)

Why does anyone have a live PET? (It’s also going to die.)


Feel better?

The thing is — nothing lasts forever. Unless you’re a vampire who never chips a nail.  In which case, get out of here.  No one asked you.  What we’re saying is: people get married and people get manicures. We know they are not the same thing.  (Manicures are even dumber than marriage.)  But that doesn’t mean there’s no point to any of these things.  (Except for making your bed – that’s always pointless.)  Enjoy them while they last. Enjoy the hell out of them.  And you never know.  You might still be married 50 years from now, and maybe, just maybe, your stupid manicure will last more than 3 days.

Honeymoon's over, nails.

Honeymoon’s over, nails.




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Divorce Predictors

You have probably seen numerous articles about the # 1 predictor of divorce. But all of these articles are wrong. Or to be more specific, they all give different examples of the # 1 predictor, and we know very well that there can only be ONE true #1. (Except in the case of EGD, where both Jessica and Jeanne are #1.) Some of the alleged #1 predictors are:

1) A habitual avoidance of conflict: These don’t even sound like real words to us.

2) Overuse of “You” language, plus directives: Here are two examples of what this means: You should pay attention. Or, “You are not good enough.” So I guess what we’re saying is, if you want to stay married forever, you should replace those phrases with: “Someone should pay attention…not naming names…but someone in this room…who is you.” And, ” Sometimes people are not good enough. This is one of those times. And it’s you

3) Frequently invalidating each other’s feelings: Ok, ok. We can see how that might lead to divorce. But what are you supposed to do if your wife’s feelings are always stupid and dumb? What THEN?!

4) Differing values around money: Hm. It’s hard for us to wrap our minds around this one. Are there people out there who don’t think money is the most important thing in the entire world? Really? Shut up! That’s crazy.

5) Cold feet: Here they mean, if the bride or groom wasn’t that sold on having the  wedding in the first place. This seems obvious. If you can’t even get excited about a fun party night with alcohol, then it’s going to be pretty tough to stay excited about a lifetime of nights on the couch eating Fritos and flipping through the Netflix menu. Actually, that sounds pretty good. Nevermind.

Screen Shot 2013-08-01 at 9.55.47 PM

Seems legit.

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7 Signs That You’re Ready to Start Dating After Divorce

1. You feel like wearing pants that are not of the “sweat” variety.

2.  You’re craving brunch.

3. You’ve watched everything in your Netflix Instant queue.

4. You’ve reached the limit on cats permitted in your apartment and you’re still lonely but you don’t really care for reptiles.

5. You purchased a ‘buy one get one’ Groupon for gelato.

6. You’re in the mood to play an awkward round of miniature golf with someone you hardly know.

7. You started dating before your divorce.

God, brunch is dumb.

God, brunch is dumb.

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