Author Archives: jeanne

Oct 10 2012
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Celebrity Divorce

EGD Consoles You

I think we’ll all remember where we were when we heard the news. The news that Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are getting a divorce. I, Jeanne, was at my computer. Jessica also was at her computer.

We know it’s probably been a rough week for all of you. Sure, we know that everyone gets divorced. But not DeVito and Perlman! They’ve been married for so long! They’re so small! They’re so strange-looking!  It’s impossible!

(*Fun fact: We originally wanted to buy the domain http://www.everyonegetsdivorcedexceptdannydevitoandrheaperlman.com.)

But, alas. It happened. (And we really dodged a bullet with the whole domain name.)  But this isn’t about us. It’s about you. We know you’re hurting. And we’re here to console you. We’re here to console you about the life-altering separation of two tiny celebrities who you do not know.

  • It is NOT your fault.  Because you do not know Danny DeVito OR Rhea Perlman.  And they do not know you.
  • Just because Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are getting a divorce does NOT mean that they do not love you. However, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman do not love you and they never have. Because they don’t know you.
  • Your life is not going to change drastically as a result of Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman’s divorce. You will not have to move to a new house or go to a new school.  You can keep your beloved dog/cat too. This is because your life is, and always will be, entirely unaffected by the lives of Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.
  • You might feel better if you understood why this is happening. Unfortunately for you, it is unlikely that Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman will ever fully explain it to you, because they don’t know or care who you are.
celebrity divorce humor

If they couldn’t make it, what hope do the rest of us normal-looking, average-sized people have?

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Oct 08 2012
2 Comments
Behind the Scenes

Behind the Scenes at EGD

Here at EGD we make it a rule not to work on holidays. We also make it a rule not to work on random weekdays, almost every weekend, and for our birthday months. As our American fans know, today is Columbus Day. Some of you might have the day off from work. We do too! (Confession: we’re both unemployed.)

But this Columbus Day, we’re breaking all of our non-working rules. Columbus Day rules were made to be broken. Not at all like Flag Day. Flag Day rules are sacred and important and we have them for a reason.

Because it’s a holiday, I’m going to give you a little inside look at how Everyone Gets Divorced operates. I (Jessica) wake up in the morning and drink a Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi. Why? Because I love caffeine and hate being fat. Then I talk to Jeanne on g-chat (we’re too technologically advanced for “telephones”) and we say to each other  “Hey, should we do a blog today?” Usually we conclude that we should watch TV and eat snacks instead. But sometimes we feel guilty about only watching TV all of the time, or we feel too fat for snacks, so we do a blog anyway. Lately we’ve been extremely bad at blogging because SOME PEOPLE (Jeanne) decided to take a break from all the not working to go on a European vacation, But today I felt we needed to blog. And yet, what to say on this special day? I decided to give you a peek inside at the inner workings of EGD. So here is our actual conversation, expertly copied and pasted, discussing today’s blog:

Jessica: we’re probably going to have to blog again one day.
But I can’t bring myself to think about it.
Jeanne:  i know
i can’t do it now….and it’s a holiday
Jessica:  let’s just post a picture of christopher columbus and call it a day.

Jeanne:  hahahaha
i like that
just caption it
“he’s divorced”
fun fact: christopher columbus was divorced 12 times by the time he discovered america
Jessica: Is that true? He was?
Jeanne: No.
Jessica:  hahha
I’ll blog  something
but if it takes more than 3 minutes, i’m quitting.
my small lady brain can’t handle more than 3 minutes of thinking.
 Jeanne:  ok
i’m proud of you…  i just checked
columbus was married
and  then his wife died
Jessica:  GOOD. I’m GLAD she died. I don’t care who knows it.
Jeanne:  and then he had a “mistress”
Jessica:  can you have a mistress after your wife dies?
Jeanne:  i don’t know
that’s what wikipedia calls it for some reason
probably because she’s spanish
Jeanne: interesting…
some people say his wife died
and others say he just left her
Jessica:  hm…
 Jeanne:  in that case
maybe he WAS divorced 12 times
and no one really knows
Jeanne: Also, i think it’s about time we edit wikipedia
…to make everyone divorced
Jessica:  OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s!
Jessica:  ok i’m writing a blog
and it’s my favorite one ever so far
Jeanne:  i’m so proud
so proud of you
i’ll be right back again. I need to get snacks.
Jessica:  ok
this blog
is very unconventional
it involves copying and pasting.
You’ll see.
divorce humor

Christopher Columbus was divorced 12 times.

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Oct 01 2012
4 Comments
Advice, Decision Making, Moving on, Next time

Finding “the one”

Here at EGD we talk a lot about divorce. Mostly because we paid real money for a web address with the word “divorced” in it. But what we don’t talk about often enough is finding the perfect man or woman for a potential successful marriage (be it your 2nd, 3rd, or 4th attempt at such a thing). A marriage that might actually not end in divorce. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: BUT EVERYONE GETS DIVORCED. That’s true in almost every situation. But there are some freaks out there. For example, both of us have sets of parents that are still married and have been basically forever. We’re pretty sure they’re lying to us because we did some math and their claims seem scientifically impossible. We’re also both nearly convinced that we’re adopted because we are so much more attractive than our brothers, but that’s a story for another website we might buy one day.

We wanted to put together a simple list for you, our fans, that would help you know if your new boyfriend or girlfriend is…”THE ONE.”  (Well…”the one” after the last “one.”)

Here’s what it boils down to:

1) If you need to Google whether or not you should marry someone, don’t marry them. If you have to use a Magic Eight ball, that’s fine. That’s a completely different thing.

2) Marry almost ANY person who learned to play golf, polo, or who dabbled in fencing when they were a child. This person is what we call “rich.”

3) Do not marry a person who uses the word “dabbled.” This person is smug and thinks they’re better than you.

4) If, when looking at your boyfriend/girlfriend, you begin to feel that the babies you might one day create together will be too ugly for you to love unconditionally… the two of you shouldn’t get married.

5) And under NO circumstances should you ever agree to marry a person who– if offered three wishes– would not use one of those wishes to gain the power of flight.

There is something fundamentally wrong with a person like that.

funny divorce blog

Always marry a doctor. You shouldn’t even have to ask.

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Sep 20 2012
1 Comment
Vocabulary

Word of the Day: DEAD

DEAD

adjective

1. a word that describes what happened to your spouse when you’re not in the mood to explain your divorce/separation

Usage:

  1. “Where’s your husband?”
    “Oh, he’s dead.”
  2. “Where’s your wife?”
    “Well, she couldn’t make it, because she’s dead.”
  3. “Are you interested in taking a couples’ cruise in January?”
    “I think we might both be dead by then, but thanks.”

 

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Sep 18 2012
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Encouragement, Lists

Being Embarrassed

A lot of people are embarrassed to admit that they’ve been divorced. But the fact of the matter is, it’s really not interesting enough to be embarrassing. People get divorced all the goddamn time. By our math, 100 percent of all people will get divorced at least four times in their lifetime. So what’s the big deal? Life is full of far greater embarrassments than “failing at marriage.”

To prove this point, here’s a list of really embarrassing things that may or may not have happened to us.

THINGS THAT ARE MORE  EMBARRASSING THAN GETTING DIVORCED:

1. Failing fourth grade math.

2. Finding out, after the fact, that you’ve had spinach in your teeth for the WHOLE MEAL.

3. Going to the doctor to give a urine sample and then spilling your urine sample on someone from your high school.

4. Going to a concert, and then, even though you’ve already had dinner and a post-dinner “tater tot course,” excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, but instead of going to the bathroom, buying a slice of pepperoni pizza which you eat in secret.

5. Going to the dentist to get X-rays, and then as the dentist is putting the X-ray thingy in the far-back part of your mouth, vomiting all over said dentist’s hand and arm.

6. Marrying that guy with that haircut.

divorce jokes

You should be ashamed of yourself.

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Sep 12 2012
2 Comments
Advice, Encouragement

Stop Procrastinating

Procrastinating is fine, for little things. Like filing your taxes or going to the post office or buying a new electric toothbrush head. But if you’re thinking about getting divorced/leaving your significant other, there’s no time like the present.  And we know.  WE KNOW. You can’t do it NOW. NOW ISN’T A GOOD TIME. Well, that’s probably true.  And you’re always going to find excuses to stay with someone.

EXCUSES FOR STAYING TOGETHER:

1. You’re going to prom in 3 weeks.

2. You have a vacation planned in 2 months.

3. Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

4. Now Christmas is right around the corner.

5. You have plans for New Year’s.

6. Now Valentine’s Day is coming up and that seems sad.

See? It’s mostly holidays that are forcing us to be miserable. But there’s always going to be something coming up. And these are just the things you KNOW about. Unfortunately, in life, there are a lot of unpleasant surprises too. And if you’re unhappy in your relationship, chances are, that’s not going to change. But here are some things that CAN change. Because the thing is, there’s never a good time to leave someone. But there can always be a WORSE time to leave someone.

WORSE TIMES TO LEAVE SOMEONE:

1. After they get a speeding ticket.

2. After they lose their job.

3. After their cat dies.

4. After their father dies.

5. After they contract rabies.

So what are you supposed to do? Well, you can hope they drive carefully and take really good care of that cat and pray a lot and keep them away from suspicious raccoons. Or you can just bite the bullet and do what you probably need to do. Because once your boyfriend loses his job or your girlfriend’s cat dies or your husband’s parent becomes ill, you are STUCK, for an undetermined amount of time proportionate to whatever the tragedy is. And we know you’re not a terrible person. (Probably.) We know that you would feel bad for the normal reasons if any of these things were to happen. But on top of that, you’re not going to be able to leave for a while.
So stop procrastinating.

best time to get divorced

If you can just hang in there through the holidays, Señor Bigotes…

Note to People Who Suspect Their Spouse Is Unhappy:  If you think your spouse or significant other is close to leaving you, you can use this to your advantage.  It’s manipulative, but it will delay the inevitable. 

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO DELAY THE INEVITABLE:

1. Speed all the time.

2. Under-perform at your job.

3. Kill your cat.

4. Encourage every member of your family to “take up smoking.”

5. Hang out with suspicious raccoons.

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Sep 10 2012
2 Comments
Facts

The Worst State

We’ve already told you about the best state for getting divorced. New Hampshire is over there, (up there?) practically BEGGING you to end your marriage. But what about the flip side?  What’s the worst state for getting a divorce?

divorce humor

Vermont. FIGURES.

That’s right. Don’t listen to Ben and/or Jerry. Vermont is a horrible place that wants you to be miserable. The minimum processing time for a divorce in Vermont is 450 days. 450 days?!!! By our math, that’s even more than a year. (Don’t hold us to our math.)  And they have a bunch of other annoying things like mandatory separation and waiting periods before the divorce can be FINAL.

Which brings us to our point. MAPLE SYRUP IS THE WORST.

YES, YES. It’s FINE on pancakes. SURE.  But god.  Other than that, what’s the point?

REASONS WHY WE HATE MAPLE SYRUP, AND THEREFORE, VERMONT:

1. It’s so STICKY.

2. It’s just too STICKY.

3. Have you ever accidentally put your elbow in maple syrup? That’s the WORST.

4. Your hands get sticky.  And then you’re really no better than a toddler.

5. TOO SWEET.

So, thanks for nothing, VERMONT.  Not only do you make it really hard to get a divorce, but you make our hands sticky.

(By the way, if you’re currently unhappily married in Vermont, you might want to consider telling your spouse that you’d be interested in making a move to New Hampshire. We hear it’s nice.)

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Sep 07 2012
3 Comments
Facts

Best State For Getting Divorced, Best State Overall

The U.S. is a strange place in which to live. We’re really kind of obsessed with ranking our states. For everything. Which state is the fattest? Which state is the fittest? Which state eats the most Spam?

But you can be fat or fit or spam-eating in any state. However, if you want to get a divorce, location matters. So where’s the best place to get un-hitched? Well, according to Bloomberg Rankings, it’s New Hampshire.

Depending on where you live and (where you’ve gotten divorced) you might not even realize what a colossal pain in the tits filing for divorce can be. Many states have annoyingly long waiting periods and high filing fees. Not New Hampshire. For a couple hundred bucks and no minimum processing time, you can have yourself a divorce in New Hampshire. Don’t live in New Hampshire, but wish you did? No problem. You can pretty much just show up in New Hampshire and file for divorce the next day.

What a state!

So today, we’d like to pay tribute to the magical place that is New Hampshire.

OTHER AWESOME THINGS ABOUT NEW HAMPSHIRE:

1. The state insect of New Hampshire is the ladybug. As far as insects go, that’s pretty good.
2. The inventor of Tupperware is from Berlin, NH. His name is EARL TUPPER.
3. The first European potato in the U.S. was planted in New Hampshire. WE LOVE POTATOES.
4. Our drunkest and handsomest president hails from New Hampshire. That’s right. The dashing, the inebriated, Franklin Pierce.
5. And most importantly, the first government-run state lottery was held in New Hampshire. To lottery!

In short, if you’re thinking about getting divorced, you should probably move to New Hampshire. And if you’re not thinking about getting divorced, you should probably move to New Hampshire.

divorce humor

Party time. New Hampshire style.

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Sep 06 2012
2 Comments
Lists

Real Commitments

People act like marriage is such a big commitment. And sure. IT IS. The government is involved, often a church is involved, and, usually, lots of people see it happen. When you want out, you probably think it’s going to be REALLY HARD to do it. But there are plenty of things you do all the time that are much harder to get out of.

THINGS THAT ARE HARDER TO GET OUT OF THAN A MARRIAGE:

1. Cell phone plans

2. Gym memberships

3. Credit cards with some new and exciting offers

4. Conversations with people holding clipboards on the street

5. Bed Bath & Beyond mailing lists

funny divorce blog

Not even death will part you from these.

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Sep 05 2012
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Celebrity Divorce

Wife Auditions

You’ve probably heard the rumors that the Church of Scientology held “wife auditions” for Tom Cruise. The church denies doing any such thing. But we know for a fact, here at EGD, that it’s true. We know this because we have the Scientology-approved wife judging criteria.

The Ideal Wife

  • Head: A wife’s skull should be fairly long, with a slight dome at the back part of the head. The skull should be relatively broad and full.There should be a distinct separation between the top and bottom of the face when seen from a profile.
    • The ears should reach almost to the end of the nose if drawn out straight, and they should be rounded at the tips.
    • The eyes (hazel or brown) should be large, set far apart, and have a gentle, pleading expression.
    • The muzzle should have a square shape.
    • Body: There should be no wrinkles in the skin around the neck and throat. The shoulders should slope downward into a relatively short back. The wife’s chest should be deep and broad but proportionate to the rest of the body.
    • Legs: The wife’s front legs should be straight, not crooked. The hips and thighs should be strong and muscular.
    • Tail: The tail needs to be fairly high on the rump and carried in a jaunty fashion, but it should not curve over the back.
    • Coat: The coat should be of a medium-length and lie close to the body. The coat should feel hard to the touch. No silky fur here.
    • Color: The standard is vague here, saying only that any recognized wife color is OK.

      Wife defects

      Among the defects that would cause a judge to disqualify a wife from consideration are the following:

        • A narrow skull
        • A cranium that’s too high
        • Small eyes
        • Protruding eyes
        • Excessively short ears
        • Ears set too high on the head
        • Ears that rise from their point of origin before falling
        • Excessive skin folding at the throat
        • Straight shoulders
        • Excessively deep or shallow chest
        • Swayed or excessively long back
        • Cow hocks

      She’s perfect.

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