Tag Archives: wife auditions

Wife Auditions

You’ve probably heard the rumors that the Church of Scientology held “wife auditions” for Tom Cruise. The church denies doing any such thing. But we know for a fact, here at EGD, that it’s true. We know this because we have the Scientology-approved wife judging criteria.

The Ideal Wife

  • Head: A wife’s skull should be fairly long, with a slight dome at the back part of the head. The skull should be relatively broad and full.There should be a distinct separation between the top and bottom of the face when seen from a profile.
    • The ears should reach almost to the end of the nose if drawn out straight, and they should be rounded at the tips.
    • The eyes (hazel or brown) should be large, set far apart, and have a gentle, pleading expression.
    • The muzzle should have a square shape.
    • Body: There should be no wrinkles in the skin around the neck and throat. The shoulders should slope downward into a relatively short back. The wife’s chest should be deep and broad but proportionate to the rest of the body.
    • Legs: The wife’s front legs should be straight, not crooked. The hips and thighs should be strong and muscular.
    • Tail: The tail needs to be fairly high on the rump and carried in a jaunty fashion, but it should not curve over the back.
    • Coat: The coat should be of a medium-length and lie close to the body. The coat should feel hard to the touch. No silky fur here.
    • Color: The standard is vague here, saying only that any recognized wife color is OK.

      Wife defects

      Among the defects that would cause a judge to disqualify a wife from consideration are the following:

        • A narrow skull
        • A cranium that’s too high
        • Small eyes
        • Protruding eyes
        • Excessively short ears
        • Ears set too high on the head
        • Ears that rise from their point of origin before falling
        • Excessive skin folding at the throat
        • Straight shoulders
        • Excessively deep or shallow chest
        • Swayed or excessively long back
        • Cow hocks

      She’s perfect.

Tagged , , ,
%d bloggers like this: