Tag Archives: stupid math

How Do You Save Your Marriage?

More specifically:

Q: How do you save your marriage when your husband/wife doesn’t want to try?

A: You get a divorce.

That’s not meant to be funny.  And you probably aren’t laughing. This is a problem that many people face, and unfortunately, the real answer to the question is: you don’t. If the other person doesn’t want to try, there’s nothing more you can do.  You can’t just try twice as hard.  And why would you want to?  God, that’s so much trying.  And trying is just the worst.  If your marriage is in trouble, and the person you’re married to doesn’t seem to care, you should get out.  Get out now.  And save all that “trying” energy for something worthwhile.  Like, learning Chinese.  Or glassblowing.  Or starting a band.  Or doing Sudoku.  (Do people still do that?  Is that a thing you have to try at?  We don’t really know.)  The point is, your energy is better spent doing literally ANYTHING ELSE other than working on your marriage.  It sucks.  But you’ll be glad when you know Chinese and you’re not spending all your time and energy trying to save your marriage to a dummy.


A List of Other Things That Are NOT Worth Your Energy:

1) High school math — You’ll never use it.

2) Middle school math — You’ll only use it in high school.

3) Sometimes 5th grade math — You will literally NEVER use an improper fraction.

4) Making a cake “from scratch”— What is this “scratch” anyway? It sounds disgusting. Don’t bother mixing together your own sugars and sifting flour when you can buy cake mix for 97 cents that is perfect every time.

5) Trying to be a better person — YOU ARE FINE.

6) Trying to be more patient — Good idea. Have fun wasting your life, waiting around for stuff.

7) Working on forgiveness — Seems like a waste of time when you could channel that energy into despicable acts of revenge.

8) Having defined abs — Unless you star in informercials. Otherwise, dumb.
When you're on your death bed, you won't wish you had sifted more.

When you’re on your death bed, you won’t wish you had sifted more.

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You may have noticed that the blog has been a little inactive recently. We have a perfectly good explanation: we are lazy people. Actually, half of us are lazy, and half of us are on a sexy European vacation with her tall and handsome boyfriend (that is a true story). But we feel like we’ve procrastinated long enough and we need to give the people what they want (more of us). So this morning we bring you some frequently asked questions. These are REAL LIVE QUESTIONS that we discovered on the internet.  Some stupid dummy answered the questions already, but we deleted their moronic dummy answers and replaced them with our far superior ones.

 How long does the divorce process usually take?

This is a simple math question. Subtract the year you started dating your ex from the year you signed the divorce papers. For example, I got divorced in 2009 but started dating my ex husband in 2002. Therefore, my divorce process took seven years. You can expedite the divorce process by completely foregoing “dating” and just marry the first stupid bastard you meet immediately.

What will the divorce cost?

This also depends. Will you hire an attorney? Are you going to get expensive plastic surgery before you file for divorce to ensure a successful post divorce dating life? How many of your belongings do you intend to throw at your soon to be ex in the middle of an argument? Are those things expensive and/or easily breakable?

Suggestions to make your divorce more affordable: Win the lottery.

Is there an alternative to going to trial?

1) Reach a mutually agreeable divorce settlement

2) Murder

Is what I tell my attorney confidential?

It’s supposed to be, but you know that he’s probably going to laugh about all of the dumb stuff you say with his wife and his girlfriend.

May I bring someone with me to meetings with my attorney?

Yes, preferably someone who will pay him.

Will spousal support be ordered?

Only if you were married to a celebrity.

How much child support will be ordered?

That COMPLETELY depends.

If you are the person ordered to PAY child support:  The amount of child support ordered will be more than is fair and you will just KNOW that your dumb ex-wife is using it on herself and not the kids.

If you are the person RECEIVING child support:  The amount of child support will not be even nearly enough, and that lazy bastard of an ex husband rarely pays you, anyway.

Do I have to keep my husband’s name after the divorce?

Only if you want to look like a total pathetic loser.

How should I file my tax return?

Crap, we don’t know. Turbo Tax? Is that a thing?

Who will get custody of my children?

….you really want it?

divorce humor

If you don’t feel like winning the lottery, another great way to pay for your divorce is to win 18,000 dollars on a slot machine.

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Being Embarrassed

A lot of people are embarrassed to admit that they’ve been divorced. But the fact of the matter is, it’s really not interesting enough to be embarrassing. People get divorced all the goddamn time. By our math, 100 percent of all people will get divorced at least four times in their lifetime. So what’s the big deal? Life is full of far greater embarrassments than “failing at marriage.”

To prove this point, here’s a list of really embarrassing things that may or may not have happened to us.


1. Failing fourth grade math.

2. Finding out, after the fact, that you’ve had spinach in your teeth for the WHOLE MEAL.

3. Going to the doctor to give a urine sample and then spilling your urine sample on someone from your high school.

4. Going to a concert, and then, even though you’ve already had dinner and a post-dinner “tater tot course,” excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, but instead of going to the bathroom, buying a slice of pepperoni pizza which you eat in secret.

5. Going to the dentist to get X-rays, and then as the dentist is putting the X-ray thingy in the far-back part of your mouth, vomiting all over said dentist’s hand and arm.

6. Marrying that guy with that haircut.

divorce jokes

You should be ashamed of yourself.

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Warning Signs

Signs That You May Be Marrying the Wrong Man:

  • He picked out the bridesmaid dresses for your wedding
  • Does math ‘for fun’
  • Bakes low-fat cookies
  • Everything he says and does annoys you or makes you angry
  • Pees sitting down

Signs That You May Be Marrying the Wrong Woman

  • Kardashian
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