You’ve probably heard the rumors that the Church of Scientology held “wife auditions” for Tom Cruise. The church denies doing any such thing. But we know for a fact, here at EGD, that it’s true. We know this because we have the Scientology-approved wife judging criteria.
The Ideal Wife
- Head: A wife’s skull should be fairly long, with a slight dome at the back part of the head. The skull should be relatively broad and full.There should be a distinct separation between the top and bottom of the face when seen from a profile.
- The ears should reach almost to the end of the nose if drawn out straight, and they should be rounded at the tips.
- The eyes (hazel or brown) should be large, set far apart, and have a gentle, pleading expression.
- The muzzle should have a square shape.
- Body: There should be no wrinkles in the skin around the neck and throat. The shoulders should slope downward into a relatively short back. The wife’s chest should be deep and broad but proportionate to the rest of the body.
- Legs: The wife’s front legs should be straight, not crooked. The hips and thighs should be strong and muscular.
- Tail: The tail needs to be fairly high on the rump and carried in a jaunty fashion, but it should not curve over the back.
- Coat: The coat should be of a medium-length and lie close to the body. The coat should feel hard to the touch. No silky fur here.
- Color: The standard is vague here, saying only that any recognized wife color is OK.
Wife defects
Among the defects that would cause a judge to disqualify a wife from consideration are the following:
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- A narrow skull
- A cranium that’s too high
- Small eyes
- Protruding eyes
- Excessively short ears
- Ears set too high on the head
- Ears that rise from their point of origin before falling
- Excessive skin folding at the throat
- Straight shoulders
- Excessively deep or shallow chest
- Swayed or excessively long back
- Cow hocks
She’s perfect.
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Everyone Gets Divorced 