May 14 2012
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Telling People

People React: What They Really Mean

When you tell friends and family about the demise of your marriage, or any serious relationship, you’re bound to hear a variety of reactions. But sometimes, you need to read between the lines. Assuming you’re not very good at reading between the lines, we’re just going to tell you what people are actually saying to you.

They say: “Maybe you should give it some time.”

They mean: “Your wedding was very expensive.”

They say: “Oh my god! Seriously?? I can’t believe it!”

They mean: “I saw this coming.”

They say: “Hey, these things happen.”

They mean: “THANK. GOD. You’ve come to your senses.”

They say: “Oh.”

They mean: “I’ve known that he/she was cheating on you for some time.”

They say: “No, don’t say that. You guys will be fine.”

They mean: “I’m in a committed relationship and I don’t like hearing about this because I think breakups are contagious.”

They say: “Ohhhhh, so… is it… was he…. what happened?”

They mean: “So he’s gay, right?”

They say: “Are you sure?”

They mean: “You are not as attractive as your significant other, so you may want to reconsider breaking up.”

They say: “So, are things really weird between you now?”

They mean: “I’ve invited you both to an upcoming event and I don’t want to have to un-invite one of you.”

I’m trying to decide how your divorce affects me personally.

May 11 2012
2 Comments
Greeting Cards

Lukewarm Wedding Cards

If there’s one thing we know, it’s that it’s much easier to see when someone ELSE is making a huge mistake. But so few wedding cards on the market really express that sentiment.

So what card do you give a friend or loved one when you’re pretty sure their marriage won’t last? Well, we’ve gone ahead and designed some greeting cards perfect for the imperfect couple. Don’t tell someone they’re making the biggest mistake of their life – imply it. With a card.

everyone gets divorced

everyone gets divorced

everyone gets divorced

everyone gets divorced

everyone gets divorced

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May 09 2012
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Advice, Moving on

Disposing of the Evidence: Frozen Wedding Cake

Feel free to send us questions.  We have all the answers.  Like this:

Q: Jessica and Jeanne, I just got divorced and I’ve had this slice of our wedding cake in the freezer for over 4 years. I guess we forgot to take it out on our first anniversary. I feel like I can’t get rid of it. What’s wrong with me?

A: Everything.

But to elaborate, think of it this way. You put that cake in your freezer because someone told you that it’s a tradition. And, like most traditions, it makes absolutely no sense. What better way to celebrate a year of marriage than by eating an old, defrosted dessert? Anyhow, you still have it. And it’s taking up valuable space in your freezer.  Stop thinking of the sentimental implications. If nothing else, can’t you use more freezer space?? You could be storing frozen pizza or frozen egg rolls or bottles of gin in there! Just get rid of it and buy a new piece of cake for eating.

And if you’re looking for a more creative way to dispose of it, feed it to some ducks.

Fun fact about ducks: Ducks are generally monogamous. However, this bond usually only lasts about a year. So maybe, just maybe, you and the duck are not so different after all.

Disgusting.

 

May 08 2012
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Arguing, Science, Uncategorized

Splitting Up The Stuff

Maybe, before going your separate ways, you and your soon-to-be-ex will have a civilized discussion where you sit down and calmly lay out a fair and logical plan to evenly divide all of your mutual possessions.

But more likely, you will have a series of very awkward and uncomfortable discussions that suddenly erupt into arguments over items you didn’t even know you had in the first place. You and your spouse have probably been arguing about lots of things for quite some time. Why stop now?

Well, you won’t.

Using science, we created this pie chart to illustrate what divorcing couples care the most about.

May 07 2012
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Decision Making

Should I Get Divorced? (A Flow Chart Answers)

everyone gets divorced

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May 04 2012
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Singledom

Filling the Void

Breakups are tough. You’ve been part of a couple for a long long time, and now you’re not. It’s only natural to feel lonely at times. Well, we hate nature. That’s why we’ve come up with some tips on filling the void that your ex has left.

At dinner

Go to dinner with someone who annoys you.

On vacation

Vacation with someone who annoys you.

At parties

Find someone who will stand next to you. While being annoying.

At brunch

Go to lunch with someone who annoys you. Also, stop eating brunch. It’s stupid.

In bed

Get a body pillow.

 

May 02 2012
3 Comments
Advice, Concerns, Science

FAQs

Sometimes you ask us questions. This is how we answer them. And sometimes you don’t have to ask us questions. We just know what you’re thinking.

Q: Will people be able to tell I’m divorced just by looking at me?

A: Yes. Because you will look really really happy.

Q: Why are you so anti-marriage?

A: We’re not anti-marriage. In fact, we’re so pro-marriage, there was a time we were willing to marry just about anything to prove it.

Q: I’ve been divorced for 2 years and I just can’t move on. I feel like I’ll be single forever. Why can’t I get over my ex?

A: 2 years and you haven’t been hastily remarried? There’s your problem.

Q: Why do you say that “everyone” gets divorced? Surely, not “EVERYONE” gets divorced. My parents have been married for 40 years and they’ve never been divorced.

A:  Oh, simple reader. We know, we know. We are so frequently asked this question. We see your confusion, too. We’re not judging you. But yes, everyone does get divorced. I’m sure you’ve heard the fact: approximately 50 percent of marriages in America will end in divorce. And, as you probably know, a marriage consists of two people. If half of people get divorced, 1 out of every 2 people will get divorced. If marriage consists of two people, for every 1 person getting divorced, 2 people are ACTUALLY getting divorced. Doesn’t that make sense to you? It doesn’t make sense to us either, but a high school MATH teacher told it to us, and we believe everything teachers say. And so should you. So, we hate to tell you, but your parents are actually divorced and always have been.

Q: Some never-married religious person just told me that any marriage can last through Jesus’ love as long as both people recognize that the other is a sinner. Does that make any sense to you?

A: No.

May 01 2012
12 Comments
Telling People

Divorce Announcements

It can be hard telling everyone that you’re getting divorced.  Wouldn’t it be easier if we could just send out announcements?  Guess what.  Now you can.  Here are some ideas.

divorce announcement

divorce announcement

divorce announcement

divorce announcement

Apr 25 2012
2 Comments
Encouragement

Rules For a Happy Marriage

We know what you’re thinking. “Who are you to give advice?”  Or ,”What do you know?”  Well, one of the positive aspects of getting divorced, is that it’s an opportunity to learn from your mistakes. Where did it all go wrong? We’ve done extensive research and analysis and come up with these rules for a happy marriage. Read them. Study them. Live them.

1. Admit when you’re wrong.

A lot of people have trouble doing this. But once you get in the habit, it’s really easy, and it feels good. Try it. “I was wrong–the capital is Canberra, not Sydney.”  Or this.  “I was wrong to think you’d ever change.”  Simple!

2. Spend time together, but enjoy your time apart.

Having some alone time is crucial to a successful marriage.  Try maintaining separate residences. It worked wonders for Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt.

Successfully married, in that she lived in a cottage, didn’t touch her husband, and never got divorced.

3. Don’t bring up mistakes of the past.

It’s tempting, but it gets you nowhere. It’s far more productive to make wild accusations about the future.

4. Never go to bed angry.

This is so important. You MUST stay angry and awake for as long as is humanly possible.  After a grueling 20 or 30 hours, one of you will probably fall asleep. And that settles it. That person is the loser.

5. At least once a day, compliment your partner.

It doesn’t have to be a different compliment every time. And there’s almost certainly one thing you like about your spouse.  Don’t take it for granted.  Tell them every single day.  “I really admire the shape of your head.”

Tagged , , ,
Apr 24 2012
2 Comments
Coping, Singledom

Crying: A Guide

While mourning your failed marriage/relationship, you’re going to find yourself crying a lot. Especially if you’re a woman. This is a fact. We’re all (both) women here at Everyone Gets Divorced and we’re just speaking from experience.

Real Things That Have Made Us Cry:

1. Being out of raisin toast.

2. Reading Wikipedia summary of The Velveteen Rabbit.

The point is, you’ll probably cry even more when you’re going through a big breakup.

Places You’ll Cry:

  • Your car: This is a great place to cry. You’re alone with your thoughts. You can listen to tunes.  And if you get pulled over, you’re already crying, so it might just save you a ticket.
  • The shower: I think we can all agree, this is the BEST place to cry. It’s very dramatic. It’s literally cleansing. And it just feels right. Like you’re washing your hair with your own tears.
  • Work/school: This can be embarrassing. You don’t want a bunch of people seeing you cry. You’re not one of those people. But it happens. Sometimes it happens just because you’re trying so hard to not let it happen. The upside is, your boss or teacher or someone might ask what’s wrong and if you just cry at them enough they’ll probably tell you to go home. Because people hate watching you cry.
  • Bed: This is by far the most pathetic place to cry. You should just get up and get in the shower.
  • Wal-Mart: You’re shopping for a new spatula because SOMEONE took yours. Now you’re crying in Wal-Mart. You’re probably just overwhelmed by the low, low prices/terrible labor record, depending on your politics.
  • The grocery store: You see that Cheerios are on sale and you reach for them. Then you realize that you don’t eat Cheerios. Your ex did. Now you’re crying. Try and pull yourself together. Remember, they sell booze here too. (If not booze, then Nyquil.)
  • Your favorite restaurant: You probably went there a lot, together. Just the thought of getting that table for one sets you off. You should probably find a new favorite restaurant. Or at the very least, get your food to go. Then you can take it home and work on a system that allows you to eat in the shower.
  • IKEA: Don’t worry about it. Everyone cries in IKEA.

 

 

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