Category Archives: Singledom

Improve Your Mood

When you’re newly single, it can be hard to maintain a positive outlook. Breakups take a lot out of you. It’s normal to feel depressed sometimes. But it’s important not to let the depression take over. You need to keep living life and doing things that you enjoy. You  might even think about taking up a new hobby. (Note: stalking your ex on facebook is not a suitable hobby.)

Gardening, on the other hand, is a wonderful hobby. Real actual studies have shown that  gardening can improve your mood, reduce stress, and even encourage a more hopeful outlook on life.

One study found that participants who spent 30 minutes gardening reported improved moods, while participants who stayed inside reading felt more stressed out. So there you go. Gardening = YAY!  Reading = BOOO!

Gardening is good for the environment and it’s good for you.  So if you’re feeling down, give it a shot. Oh, what? You’re too busy? Doing what? Going on dates? LIAR.

 

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Filling the Void

Breakups are tough. You’ve been part of a couple for a long long time, and now you’re not. It’s only natural to feel lonely at times. Well, we hate nature. That’s why we’ve come up with some tips on filling the void that your ex has left.

At dinner

Go to dinner with someone who annoys you.

On vacation

Vacation with someone who annoys you.

At parties

Find someone who will stand next to you. While being annoying.

At brunch

Go to lunch with someone who annoys you. Also, stop eating brunch. It’s stupid.

In bed

Get a body pillow.

 

Crying: A Guide

While mourning your failed marriage/relationship, you’re going to find yourself crying a lot. Especially if you’re a woman. This is a fact. We’re all (both) women here at Everyone Gets Divorced and we’re just speaking from experience.

Real Things That Have Made Us Cry:

1. Being out of raisin toast.

2. Reading Wikipedia summary of The Velveteen Rabbit.

The point is, you’ll probably cry even more when you’re going through a big breakup.

Places You’ll Cry:

  • Your car: This is a great place to cry. You’re alone with your thoughts. You can listen to tunes.  And if you get pulled over, you’re already crying, so it might just save you a ticket.
  • The shower: I think we can all agree, this is the BEST place to cry. It’s very dramatic. It’s literally cleansing. And it just feels right. Like you’re washing your hair with your own tears.
  • Work/school: This can be embarrassing. You don’t want a bunch of people seeing you cry. You’re not one of those people. But it happens. Sometimes it happens just because you’re trying so hard to not let it happen. The upside is, your boss or teacher or someone might ask what’s wrong and if you just cry at them enough they’ll probably tell you to go home. Because people hate watching you cry.
  • Bed: This is by far the most pathetic place to cry. You should just get up and get in the shower.
  • Wal-Mart: You’re shopping for a new spatula because SOMEONE took yours. Now you’re crying in Wal-Mart. You’re probably just overwhelmed by the low, low prices/terrible labor record, depending on your politics.
  • The grocery store: You see that Cheerios are on sale and you reach for them. Then you realize that you don’t eat Cheerios. Your ex did. Now you’re crying. Try and pull yourself together. Remember, they sell booze here too. (If not booze, then Nyquil.)
  • Your favorite restaurant: You probably went there a lot, together. Just the thought of getting that table for one sets you off. You should probably find a new favorite restaurant. Or at the very least, get your food to go. Then you can take it home and work on a system that allows you to eat in the shower.
  • IKEA: Don’t worry about it. Everyone cries in IKEA.

 

 

Built For One

After a breakup, it’s natural to feel like you’re the odd man out. Everywhere you look, couples are holding hands, sharing milkshakes, and riding tandem bikes. But it’s important to remember, there are still a lot of things that are best enjoyed solo.

THINGS THAT ARE PRIMARILY BUILT FOR ONE:

  • MOST bicycles
  • A full-sized bed
  • Bathtub
  • Segway
  • Loveseat (ironic!)
  • A bottle of wine
  • Any frozen entree that purports to be a meal for 2
  • Bottle of gin
Everyone Gets Divorced

You’re supposed to share this? Right. And I’m only going to eat 1/3 of this frozen pizza.

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