Monthly Archives: July 2012

TOUGH LOVE

At some point during your breakup or divorce, you’re probably going to enter an ugly depressive phase. That’s when you think and say a lot of really stupid pessimistic things.  It’s understandable. You’re feeling sad. And sometimes when you’re sad, you need someone to tell you how stupid you are. Here’s some tough love to get you through this tough time.

STUPID THINGS YOU’RE SAYING AND LOGICAL RESPONSES TO THEM:

1. “I wasted the best years of my life.”

Shut up.

If you wasted some years, they weren’t the best ones, dummy.

2. “No one will ever love him/her like I did!”

Shut up.

What, you’re the number one giver of love on the planet? Good for you. Now go take a nap and stop thinking about the quality of love he/she may or may not receive in the future. It doesn’t concern you.

3. “I’ll never meet anyone now.”

Shut up.

You’re not meeting people? Hm. Maybe it’s because you’re at home, whining about how lonely you are to people on the internet. You are capable of meeting people. Learn to play badminton or some shit.

4. “I’m too fat to start dating again.”

Shut up.

If you’re fat, there are lots of TV shows that want to help you be less fat. If you find yourself unable to get on one of those TV shows, try taking one hour every day out of your precious “feeling sorry for yourself” time and just go for a walk. If you like, you can even feel sorry for yourself WHILE YOU WALK. And if you still think you’re too fat, remember this: fat people date. In fact, most people are fat. This is America. You’re among friends. (Unless you’re not in America. Then you should be ASHAMED.)

5. “I’m ugly and no one else will ever love me.”

Stop it.

Oh, you think you’re ugly? You mean like almost everyone? You probably just need to pluck your eyebrows.
Tip for men: Women don’t care if you’re ugly as long as you’re really nice.
Tip for women: (Straight) men don’t care if you’re ugly as long as you have lady body parts.
Another tip for women: Try dating straight men. Unless YOU are gay. Then don’t.

6. “I’ll never get married again.” 

Shut up.

How do you know that? I bet you once said you’d never buy Crocs or get divorced. Way to be wrong, you! Huh. Sure seems like you’re wrong a lot.

7. “I’m too old to start over.”

Nonsense. I think I once read about a 112-year old getting remarried. So unless you’re 113, you have no basis for this claim. If you ARE 113, congratulations on operating a computer. You seem like a real catch! You’ll find someone in no time.

breakup humor

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What Happened??

The most common question you’re going to get when going through a big breakup is: “What happened?”

For some reason, everyone is shocked when any couple splits up. Like it’s something they’ve only seen in the movies. They need answers! But the truth is, it’s usually hard to say what happened. Relationships are complicated, unless you’re in 6th grade. And even if you are in 6th grade, it can still be hard to pinpoint exactly where it went wrong.

I don’t know. I mean we both liked Austin Powers. And we had talked on the phone every day after school this week. He sat at my lunch table. But then on Friday, he was acting all weird and then Nicole came up to me at recess and told me that Anthony didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore.” (Based on a true story.)

So it’s never really an easy explanation. But here at EGD, we want everything to be easy.  So here are some simple answers to that dreaded question.

Q: “What happened??”

A: “He left me for Angelina Jolie.”

Q: “What happened??”

A: “We could not agree on the pronunciation of pajamas.”

Q: “What happened??”

A: “She decided she didn’t want to be a citizen after all.”

Q: “What happened??”

A: “I’m not sure. But some girl at recess just told me he didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore.”

Q: “What happened??”

A: “Our names both start with the same letter so we couldn’t find a way to combine them to make one of those “celebrity couple names.”

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Improve Your Mood

When you’re newly single, it can be hard to maintain a positive outlook. Breakups take a lot out of you. It’s normal to feel depressed sometimes. But it’s important not to let the depression take over. You need to keep living life and doing things that you enjoy. You  might even think about taking up a new hobby. (Note: stalking your ex on facebook is not a suitable hobby.)

Gardening, on the other hand, is a wonderful hobby. Real actual studies have shown that  gardening can improve your mood, reduce stress, and even encourage a more hopeful outlook on life.

One study found that participants who spent 30 minutes gardening reported improved moods, while participants who stayed inside reading felt more stressed out. So there you go. Gardening = YAY!  Reading = BOOO!

Gardening is good for the environment and it’s good for you.  So if you’re feeling down, give it a shot. Oh, what? You’re too busy? Doing what? Going on dates? LIAR.

 

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Dating: How To Tell Someone You’re Divorced

When you begin dating, you might wonder when and how you should tell your date about your sordid marital past.   Don’t worry about it.  It isn’t hard to tell someone you’ve been married or divorced (probably both).  It will come up.

Real advice: Just mention it and move on.  You’re even allowed to joke about it.  There’s nothing wrong with keeping it light. And your date will find you more attractive because you won’t be putting them in an uncomfortable position.  Also, because being divorced actually makes you 33% more attractive.

WHAT YOU CAN SAY:

You’re divorced (no kids):

“I was married once.  It didn’t take.”

You’re divorced (with kids):

Bring up kids. “Do you want kids someday?”

(If they say yes):  “Me too. Also today.  Because I have some.”

(If they say no):  “Me neither.  But I have some.”

You’re divorced (a few times):

Just list “getting divorced” among your hobbies.

Ex. “I like pottery, horses, reality TV, and divorcing.”

You’re divorcing (but still technically married):

“By the way, I’m still married, but that should be cleared up in a few months.”

You’re on your honeymoon (not going well):

“Well, I have to do this couple’s massage with my husband/wife at 3.  Want to meet for a couple’s massage at 5?”

“These are good mozzarella sticks. More flavorful than the ones at my first wedding.”

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How Do I Tell My Family?

Many people feel anxiety over telling their families about their divorce. It’s bad enough to break the news to one person. Depending on the size of your family, you could be looking at a whole lot of talking. And no one wants that. You’re a busy person. Here are some easy, time-saving ideas for telling your family about your divorce.

  • Bring your new boyfriend to Thanksgiving.
  • Bring your new boyfriend to Christmas.
  • Bring your new boyfriend to your family’s annual Flag Day party.
  • Bring your new boyfriend to your nephew’s baptism.
  • Bring your new boyfriend to your cousin’s wedding. (When you RSVP, write “new boyfriend” as the name of your guest.)
  • Ask your new boyfriend to email your family and tell them for you.

Or just tell everyone that your husband was eaten by a hippopotamus.

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How to Plan a Second Wedding

Planning a second wedding can be challenging. You may have already had the wedding of your dreams. So what now? Just have fun with it. This time around, anything goes.  Here are some ideas for a fun second wedding.

  1. Many people opt to have a second wedding that is less formal than their first.  Consider alternative venues–a low-key outdoor wedding can be fun and cost-saving.
  2. Opt for a casual dress code. Be yourself. Wear something you can move in. You’ll have more fun.
  3. Don’t blow your budget on flowers and centerpieces. Focus on the things people will enjoy, like food and drink.
  4. Rather than hiring a band or a DJ, just use an iPod and a docking station. Be your own DJ!
  5. Instead of hiring an officiant, have a friend perform the ceremony. It will be more intimate and personal.
  6. Instead of traditional wedding favors, give guests something that they will use. Like burlap sacks.
  7. Let your officiant friend instruct all of your guests to step inside their burlap sacks and line up at the starting line.
  8. Instead of performing a traditional “wedding ceremony” have your officiant say “Get ready, get set, go!”
  9. The first person who crosses the finish line is the winner of the potato sack race.

    divorce blog

    This is actually just a rock that looks like a potato.

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Advice to Girls Who Have Not Yet Made All the Mistakes That They’re Still Probably Going to Make

This is advice we would give our teenage daughter if we had teenage daughters, but obviously that would be impossible because don’t we still appear to be teenagers ourselves? But we know that our teenage daughter wouldn’t listen to us anyway. So if you’re a young woman, read this and trust us. Because we’re strangers and not your mom. This might not all seem important right now, but just you wait.
  • You are not in love with your high school boyfriend. Quick test: Are you in high school?  If you’ve answered yes, you have not met your soul mate.
  • No one is thinking about what your hair looks like.
  • You’re allowed to break up with a guy, even if he’s nice.
  • You’re allowed to break up with a guy, even if he’s really nice.
  • If you’re dating a guy who is neither nice, nor really nice, you should break up with him.
  • If you’re dating a guy just because your mom likes him so much, you should break up with him. Maybe your mom should date him if she likes him so much!
  • Don’t tell your mom, “Maybe you should date him if you like him so much!” That’s bratty.
  • If your mom says you’re wearing too much eyeliner, she’s probably right.
  • If you’re dating a guy who your parents really hate, they probably have their reasons. You should break up with him.
  • Remember this: All of the most popular girls at school will be shockingly unattractive one day.  (If you are one of  the most popular girls at school, our condolences.)
  • When you’re out of high school you’re going to think that you’re a real adult. You are not. Sorry!
  • Your first “real” relationship in college is still practice.
  • You do not love your college boyfriend. (Maybe you do, but you probably don’t.)
  • Never take a shot just because someone hands it to you. You never need to take shots. Getting drunk is not that hard.
  • No matter how long you date someone, you will never be required to get engaged.
  • If you do get engaged, you are not required to go through with it. Calling off an engagement is actually super cool.
  • When you’re planning your big beautiful wedding, you can call that off too. At any point. No matter how many deposits you will lose or how mad you think your parents are going to be. Calling off a wedding is also super cool.
  • There’s a chance that you will, however, end up married to someone who you shouldn’t be married to. And this is when you must remember that divorce is an option.
  • By the way, if you ever read about a celebrity who says something like “I don’t believe in divorce. For me, divorce is not an option,” it means that they’re probably going to get divorced soon. In general, you should never listen to what celebrities have to say.  They also say that they stay in shape by doing pilates and eating whatever they want. They are LYING.
  • Divorce is always an option. It doesn’t matter if your wedding was expensive. It doesn’t matter if you have 3 kids. It’s an option. It’s not much fun. But if it seems like a more attractive option than staying married, it’s probably your best option.
  • Low carb diets are stupid.
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