Everyone Gets Divorced

At some point during your breakup or divorce, you’re probably going to enter an ugly depressive phase. That’s when you think and say a lot of really stupid pessimistic things.  It’s understandable. You’re feeling sad. And sometimes when you’re sad, you need someone to tell you how stupid you are. Here’s some tough love to get you through this tough time.

STUPID THINGS YOU’RE SAYING AND LOGICAL RESPONSES TO THEM:

1. “I wasted the best years of my life.”

Shut up.

If you wasted some years, they weren’t the best ones, dummy.

2. “No one will ever love him/her like I did!”

Shut up.

What, you’re the number one giver of love on the planet? Good for you. Now go take a nap and stop thinking about the quality of love he/she may or may not receive in the future. It doesn’t concern you.

3. “I’ll never meet anyone now.”

Shut up.

You’re not meeting people? Hm. Maybe it’s because you’re at home, whining about how lonely you are to people on the internet. You are capable of meeting people. Learn to play badminton or some shit.

4. “I’m too fat to start dating again.”

Shut up.

If you’re fat, there are lots of TV shows that want to help you be less fat. If you find yourself unable to get on one of those TV shows, try taking one hour every day out of your precious “feeling sorry for yourself” time and just go for a walk. If you like, you can even feel sorry for yourself WHILE YOU WALK. And if you still think you’re too fat, remember this: fat people date. In fact, most people are fat. This is America. You’re among friends. (Unless you’re not in America. Then you should be ASHAMED.)

5. “I’m ugly and no one else will ever love me.”

Stop it.

Oh, you think you’re ugly? You mean like almost everyone? You probably just need to pluck your eyebrows.
Tip for men: Women don’t care if you’re ugly as long as you’re really nice.
Tip for women: (Straight) men don’t care if you’re ugly as long as you have lady body parts.
Another tip for women: Try dating straight men. Unless YOU are gay. Then don’t.

6. “I’ll never get married again.” 

Shut up.

How do you know that? I bet you once said you’d never buy Crocs or get divorced. Way to be wrong, you! Huh. Sure seems like you’re wrong a lot.

7. “I’m too old to start over.”

Nonsense. I think I once read about a 112-year old getting remarried. So unless you’re 113, you have no basis for this claim. If you ARE 113, congratulations on operating a computer. You seem like a real catch! You’ll find someone in no time.