Category Archives: FAQs

What’s Wrong With Divorcees?

Q: I have a friend who occasionally makes derogatory comments about “divorcees.” I’ve been divorced and it kind of offends me. Should I say something?

A: That depends. One possible explanation is that your friend has actually forgotten about your divorce, which means you’re doing a pretty good job of acting like a normal person.  In this case, say nothing! You’re passing! DON’T BLOW IT.

Another explanation is that your friend is a jerk. If you suspect this is the case, go ahead and say something. And then get some new friends.

If you’re just looking to raise awareness about divorcees, consider starting a blog about divorce. That’s the best way to remind people that you’ve been divorced.

Oh, and one last thing. Don’t start a blog about divorce. It’s a horrible idea.

If you do start a blog, for the love of God, make it about baby animals.

If you do start a blog, for the love of God, make it about baby animals.

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How Do You Save Your Marriage?

More specifically:

Q: How do you save your marriage when your husband/wife doesn’t want to try?

A: You get a divorce.

That’s not meant to be funny.  And you probably aren’t laughing. This is a problem that many people face, and unfortunately, the real answer to the question is: you don’t. If the other person doesn’t want to try, there’s nothing more you can do.  You can’t just try twice as hard.  And why would you want to?  God, that’s so much trying.  And trying is just the worst.  If your marriage is in trouble, and the person you’re married to doesn’t seem to care, you should get out.  Get out now.  And save all that “trying” energy for something worthwhile.  Like, learning Chinese.  Or glassblowing.  Or starting a band.  Or doing Sudoku.  (Do people still do that?  Is that a thing you have to try at?  We don’t really know.)  The point is, your energy is better spent doing literally ANYTHING ELSE other than working on your marriage.  It sucks.  But you’ll be glad when you know Chinese and you’re not spending all your time and energy trying to save your marriage to a dummy.

FOR REFERENCE

A List of Other Things That Are NOT Worth Your Energy:

1) High School math — You’ll never use it.

2) Middle School math — You’ll only use it in high school.

3) Sometimes 5th Grade math — You will literally NEVER use an improper fraction.

4) Making cake “from scratch”— What is this “scratch” anyway? It sounds disgusting. Don’t bother mixing together your own sugars and sifting flour when you can buy cake mix for 97 cents that is perfect every time.

5) Trying to be a better person — YOU ARE FINE.

6) Trying to be more patient — Good idea. Have fun wasting your life, waiting around for stuff.

7) Working on forgiveness — Seems like a waste of time when you could channel that energy into despicable acts of revenge.

8) Having defined abs — Unless you star in informercials. Otherwise, dumb.
When you're on your death bed, you won't wish you had sifted more.

When you’re on your death bed, you won’t wish you had sifted more.

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Why Do People Get Married?

We like to answer questions here at EGD.  We enjoy a good challenge.  (So long as the challenge is not too challenging.)  And here’s a questions we get all the time:

If everyone gets divorced, why does anyone bother getting married?

Pessimists love this question. People mistake us for pessimists because of the name of this site.  But we’re actually not pessimists at all.  We’re just liars/bad at math. (We concluded that everyone gets divorced after knowing approximately 3 other people who got divorced.)  We know that not EVERYONE gets divorced.  It’s probably only, like, 97 percent of everyone.  But the website is named as such and there’s nothing we can do about it now.

So why do people bother?  Why does anyone get married these days? If it’s not going to last, what’s the point?  Well, there are a lot of reasons that people claim to get married.   Because your relationship is solid.  Because you won’t be part of the statistic.  Because you don’t BELIEVE in divorce.  Because you’re in LOVE and you’re happy and hopeful and optimistic and sure and blah blah blah shouting it from the rooftops.  It doesn’t matter.  You know why? Because you don’t HAVE to have a good reason to get married.  So what if it doesn’t last? Why do people bother getting married?  Let me answer your question with a bunch of questions:

Why does anyone make their bed? (You’re just going to unmake it again.)

Why does anyone get a manicure? (If you’re like me, you will ruin it before exiting the salon.)

Why does anyone have a live Christmas tree? (It’s just going to lose its needles and die.)

Why does anyone have a live PET? (It’s also going to die.)

WHY DO WE EVEN BOTHER LIVING? (WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.)

Feel better?

The thing is — nothing lasts forever. Unless you’re a vampire who never chips a nail.  In which case, get out of here.  No one asked you.  What we’re saying is: people get married and people get manicures. We know they are not the same thing.  (Manicures are even dumber than marriage.)  But that doesn’t mean there’s no point to any of these things.  (Except for making your bed – that’s always pointless.)  Enjoy them while they last. Enjoy the hell out of them.  And you never know.  You might still be married 50 years from now, and maybe, just maybe, your stupid manicure will last more than 3 days.

Honeymoon's over, nails.

Honeymoon’s over, nails.

 

 

 

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FAQ’s: For the Parents

This might come as a shock to some of you, but occasionally, you aren’t the one getting divorced. Sometimes, it’s your CHILD that is getting divorced. And you suddenly have feelings about it. Maybe even sad feelings. And it’s pretty common that your child won’t understand your feelings. Maybe your child is actually quite happy to get divorced, and you’re sad about it. Or maybe your child is sad, and you’re happy about it. Either way, we want to help you get on the same page so then you can both focus on planning and paying for that second wedding. So we’ve decided to answer some FAQ’s. For the parents.

My daughter just told me she is getting divorced from her husband, and I had NO idea things were even going badly for them! Why didn’t she tell me?
Well, the answer to this question is pretty simple. If she told you, say, 6 months ago that her husband is kind of an asshole, then for the next 6 months until she told you they were getting divorced, you would basically hate him. But she would still be married to him. Do you see the problem here? She couldn’t tell you earlier, because then if SHE forgave him, you might NEVER forgive him. And what if they NEVER got divorced? From then on, all holidays would be awkward for her. And she was NOT going to ruin Christmas Eve dinner, she just was NOT going to do that. Trust us. And what about Flag Day? No one wants Flag Day to be awkward.
My son is getting divorced and I will miss his wife so much. We had become very close! How do I cope with these feelings?!
If YOU love her so much, why don’t YOU marry her!?
But seriously. Put on a brave face for your son, man. Lots of people we like in life come and go. But it’s time to be on your son’s team and support him. HE needs you now. She’s got her own parents to whine to.
I’m humiliated. No one else in our family has gotten divorced, my child will be the first. What do I TELL people?
You tell them that your son or daughter got divorced. Do you want to know why they won’t care? 1) No one cares as much about you and your life as you imagine they do. And, 2) Everyone gets divorced. If this is the only person in your family who has ever been divorced, then you have a bigger problem, and that is, you have a very weird family. Or you just have a family of people pretending to be happy. Which is also weird, when you think about it.
I don’t want to pay for another wedding.
That’s fair.
See?  She understands.

See? She understands.

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FAQ’s: EGD edition

You might have noticed that we’ve taken a bit of a hiatus. And we have. But now we’re back, so you can all take a deep breath and relax. You didn’t think we’d ever REALLY leave you, did you? Do you HONESTLY think we’re the kind of people to make a promise to be with someone and then just go back on that promise? Of course we aren’t.

 While we’ve been gone, we’ve appreciated your many e-mails and Facebook messages. There seems to be a theme to your messages, and that theme is: tell us more about YOU. Well, as luck would have it, our very favorite subject about which to talk is ourselves. So today we answer YOUR questions about US.
FAQ’s:
1) How tall are you?: Together, We are about 10 feet 10 inches tall. Jessica is taller, so she is the “base” and Jeanne stands on her shoulders and wears all of the hats.
2) What is your favorite food?: Nachos. Every time one of us eats nachos we take a picture of the nachos. We are currently developing a new website called “Everyone Eats Nachos” that is just going to be a gallery of our nacho pictures. Stay tuned.
3) Do you answer all of your fan mail?: Almost all of it. Our fan mail goes through a very specific process. Basically, Jeanne checks our e-mail and sees that we have a new message. She reads it, says something along the lines of “not this shit again”, and then closes it and completely forgets it exists. About a week later, Jessica will check the e-mail and find a bunch of read but unanswered messages. Then she responds to them all quickly. Except for the really really dumb ones. Feel free to e-mail us at everyonegetsdivorced@gmail.com if you want a message from Jessica in about one week.
4) Are you writing a book?: Of course we’re writing a book, don’t be stupid.
5) I think you are terrible people because you make light of marriage and marriage is important and marriage marriage marriage. : That isn’t a question at all. But to answer your non-question, shut up. You’re a terrible person because you’re UGLY.
6) How long were you married?: Well, we’ve never been married to one another yet, but our first marriages were approximately 4 years long when you add them together.
7) Are you just making these questions up? Are they even real?: We don’t understand what this means.
8) What would you do if you won the lottery?: Delete this website and move to Disney World.
9) What’s on your iPod?: Jeanne’s iPod is in the washing machine because she likes to wash hers. Jessica’s has a bottle of Gatorade on it because she’s using it as a coaster on her coffee table.
10) If you could meet any person, living or dead, who would you choose?: Jeanne: President Franklin Pierce. Jessica: Ignacio Anaya, the inventor of nachos.
iCoaster.

iCoaster.

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Divorce FAQs: Your Health

Q: Are there activities I should avoid while divorcing? Do more of?

A: It is very important to engage in alcohol consumption. Do more of that. Steer clear of not drinking.  Avoid activities where there will be no drinking, like Mormon weddings, AA meetings, and some children’s birthday parties.

Q: How much weight should I gain during divorce?

A: What does it matter? You’ll never fall in love again anyway. A hundred pounds? A thousand? Whatever.

Q: How can I safely exercise while divorce?

A: You can’t. If you try to you’ll die. Just stay on the couch and make sure you don’t have to sit up to reach the tv remote.

Q: When should I call my doctor during divorce?

A: That depends. Is he handsome? Single? Does he like to drink?

Q: How can I prepare for breastfeeding  after divorce?

A: That doesn’t make any sense.

vitamins

Avoid taking these on an empty stomach. Fill it with booze first.

 

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FAQs (Brought to us by you)

As you well know, we love perusing the search terms that bring people to our site.  It’s especially rewarding to know that someone looking for “rocks that look like things” found Everyone Gets Divorced.  But today, we want to answer some questions that keep popping up.

By far, one of the most frequently asked/googled questions is: When do you tell someone you’re divorced?

Q: When do you tell someone you’re divorced?

A: It really depends on who this someone is.  If it’s your ex-husband or ex-wife, you might need to remind them of it from time to time.  Like if they come to your house after a long day at work and sit down on your couch and ask what you want to do for dinner.  That’s a good time to tell them that you’re divorced.

But you’re more likely wondering about the right time to tell someone new. Someone you’re dating.  Or someone you’d like to be dating.  The answer to this question is more complicated but it’s really not THAT complicated.  Tell them soon.  You don’t have to tell them on the first date, but, if it comes up, it comes up.  Don’t act like it’s a big dark secret.  It’s not like you’re telling them that you’re a Scientologist. It’s not like you have to really win them over before you can reveal this terrible truth about yourself. Just mention it in that early ‘getting to know you’ stage.  If this person is actually going to have a big problem with it, they’re still going to have a problem with it 4 months from now, too.  And if you’re dating someone with an extreme moral opposition to divorce, that seems like a problem for you.  If you’ve been divorced.  And it sounds like you have. And it sounds like they’re a weirdo freak who has never been divorced.

Q: Can you get married if you haven’t been divorced because your ex says no to the divorce?

A: No.  You cannot get married if you are already married.  Bummer, right?

Q: Is it gross to eat peanut butter with a spoon?

A: What?! No! How else are you going to eat it?  With a fork?

divorce humor

A perfectly acceptable instrument for eating peanut butter, assuming you have no available fingers.

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FAQ’s

You may have noticed that the blog has been a little inactive recently. We have a perfectly good explanation: we are lazy people. Actually, half of us are lazy, and half of us are on a sexy European vacation with her tall and handsome boyfriend (that is a true story). But we feel like we’ve procrastinated long enough and we need to give the people what they want (more of us). So this morning we bring you some frequently asked questions. These are REAL LIVE QUESTIONS that we discovered on the internet.  Some stupid dummy answered the questions already, but we deleted their moronic dummy answers and replaced them with our far superior ones.

 How long does the divorce process usually take?

This is a simple math question. Subtract the year you started dating your ex from the year you signed the divorce papers. For example, I got divorced in 2009 but started dating my ex husband in 2002. Therefore, my divorce process took seven years. You can expedite the divorce process by completely foregoing “dating” and just marry the first stupid bastard you meet immediately.

What will the divorce cost?

This also depends. Will you hire an attorney? Are you going to get expensive plastic surgery before you file for divorce to ensure a successful post divorce dating life? How many of your belongings do you intend to throw at your soon to be ex in the middle of an argument? Are those things expensive and/or easily breakable?

Suggestions to make your divorce more affordable: Win the lottery.

Is there an alternative to going to trial?

1) Reach a mutually agreeable divorce settlement

2) Murder

Is what I tell my attorney confidential?

It’s supposed to be, but you know that he’s probably going to laugh about all of the dumb stuff you say with his wife and his girlfriend.

May I bring someone with me to meetings with my attorney?

Yes, preferably someone who will pay him.

Will spousal support be ordered?

Only if you were married to a celebrity.

How much child support will be ordered?

That COMPLETELY depends.

If you are the person ordered to PAY child support:  The amount of child support ordered will be more than is fair and you will just KNOW that your dumb ex-wife is using it on herself and not the kids.

If you are the person RECEIVING child support:  The amount of child support will not be even nearly enough, and that lazy bastard of an ex husband rarely pays you, anyway.

Do I have to keep my husband’s name after the divorce?

Only if you want to look like a total pathetic loser.

How should I file my tax return?

Crap, we don’t know. Turbo Tax? Is that a thing?

Who will get custody of my children?

….you really want it?

divorce humor

If you don’t feel like winning the lottery, another great way to pay for your divorce is to win 18,000 dollars on a slot machine.

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MORE FAQs

Q: “Why do you say that everyone gets divorced?”

A: Because they do. 

Q:  “You know what?  EVERYONE doesn’t get divorced.”

A: You’re wrong.

Q: “I have a problem with your site.  NOT EVERYONE gets divorced.”

A: Yuh huh.

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More FAQs

Q: Why do you hate men so much?

A: We don’t.

Q: Why are you always bashing men?

A: We aren’t.

Q: Why do you act like only men can cheat or do bad things?

A: We don’t.

Q: Do you want pizza?

A: Yes.

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