You may have noticed that the blog has been a little inactive recently. We have a perfectly good explanation: we are lazy people. Actually, half of us are lazy, and half of us are on a sexy European vacation with her tall and handsome boyfriend (that is a true story). But we feel like we’ve procrastinated long enough and we need to give the people what they want (more of us). So this morning we bring you some frequently asked questions. These are REAL LIVE QUESTIONS that we discovered on the internet. Some stupid dummy answered the questions already, but we deleted their moronic dummy answers and replaced them with our far superior ones.
How long does the divorce process usually take?
This is a simple math question. Subtract the year you started dating your ex from the year you signed the divorce papers. For example, I got divorced in 2009 but started dating my ex husband in 2002. Therefore, my divorce process took seven years. You can expedite the divorce process by completely foregoing “dating” and just marry the first stupid bastard you meet immediately.
What will the divorce cost?
This also depends. Will you hire an attorney? Are you going to get expensive plastic surgery before you file for divorce to ensure a successful post divorce dating life? How many of your belongings do you intend to throw at your soon to be ex in the middle of an argument? Are those things expensive and/or easily breakable?
Suggestions to make your divorce more affordable: Win the lottery.
Is there an alternative to going to trial?
1) Reach a mutually agreeable divorce settlement
Is what I tell my attorney confidential?
It’s supposed to be, but you know that he’s probably going to laugh about all of the dumb stuff you say with his wife and his girlfriend.
May I bring someone with me to meetings with my attorney?
Yes, preferably someone who will pay him.
Will spousal support be ordered?
Only if you were married to a celebrity.
How much child support will be ordered?
That COMPLETELY depends.
If you are the person ordered to PAY child support: The amount of child support ordered will be more than is fair and you will just KNOW that your dumb ex-wife is using it on herself and not the kids.
If you are the person RECEIVING child support: The amount of child support will not be even nearly enough, and that lazy bastard of an ex husband rarely pays you, anyway.
Do I have to keep my husband’s name after the divorce?
Only if you want to look like a total pathetic loser.
How should I file my tax return?
Crap, we don’t know. Turbo Tax? Is that a thing?
Who will get custody of my children?
….you really want it?
If you don’t feel like winning the lottery, another great way to pay for your divorce is to win 18,000 dollars on a slot machine.