Everyone Gets Divorced

When you split up with someone, you have* to tell a lot of people.  Eventually, you’ll tell everyone from your closest friends and family to your former co-worker that you bump into at the grocery store. You will experience a variety of reactions from these people.  Here are some of the most common ones. (We’ve also gone ahead and rated them on a scale of helpfulness where 1 = “Great, now I’m getting divorced AND I have to murder you” and 10 = “Thank you, that’s actually very helpful.”)

“What happened??!”

This is what people say when they want to know who cheated on who. If no one cheated on anyone, they’re really not going to be satisfied.

Helpful score: 2

“Awwwwwwww… poor Ex’s Name.

This is what people say when they have no ability to filter their thoughts.

Helpful score: 1

“I’m sure you’ll work things out.”

This person doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

Helpful score: 2

“God hates divorce.”

This person is trying to be helpful. God hates so many things these days, it’s really hard to keep track.

Helpful score: 1

“But you had such a beautiful wedding…”

This is a lovely sentiment to hear the day after your wedding.

Helpful score: 2

“You know, marriage is WORK.”

This is very true. And jobs are also work. But sometimes you get to quit them. And sometimes, you even get a cake on your last day!

Helpful score: 2

“Those poor kids…”

A wonderful reminder that you should feel guilty about what this will do to your kids.  And a very strange reaction if you haven’t any kids.

Helpful score: 1

 “Let’s get drunk.”

Yes. Let’s.

Helpful score: 10

*You do not have to tell people that you’ve split up if you don’t want to. However, if you don’t, people are just going to keep asking you “How’s Jim?” and “Where’s Jim?”  for the rest of your life.  And you’ll grow tired of saying, “I have no idea,” or “Probably with his new wife and kids.”