Category Archives: Math

Divorce Math

Q: Now that I’m divorced, I feel like I am less desirable to the opposite sex…am I?

A: Oh my. We didn’t really want to answer this question, but I think we have to. To put it bluntly, yes. But it’s not because there is some terrible stigma with divorce these days. There isn’t. Too many divorced people exist to truly have a high quality stigma associated with it. Maybe a mini-stigma, more along the lines of having ADHD. (Note: Everyone has ADHD.) How much less desirable you are can be discovered through a simple desirability math equation. We know, we know. Math is the worst. But just suffer through this with us.

Let’s imagine that people of average desirability are 10’s

Start at 10

Subtract 1 point for being a divorced MAN.

Subtract 2 points for being a divorced WOMAN. (Sorry ladies. We’re just being real with you.)

Subtract 1 point for every child you had with your Ex-Spouse.

Subtract 1000 points if you whine and cry every day about being divorced.

Subtract 1,000,000 points if you ever use the following phrases:  “Ever since the betrayal”…”I’ve found it just impossible to breathe these days”…”Coping with the loss”…. “My divorce journey…”  

Fear not, you can get some points back:

Add 1 point if most people would describe you as “fun-loving”. 

Add 2 points if you have a perfectly symmetrical face, like Halle Berry.

Add 3 points for being one of the only 30% of Americans who are not classified as overweight.

Add 1,000,000 points for being rich.

Add 1,000,000,000 points if you’re Halle Berry. 

Image

Twice divorced, still desirable.

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Stupid Math

Have you ever heard that the amount of time you need to get over a relationship is the amount of time you were IN the relationship, divided by 2?  It’s the kind of stupid math that you’ll hear from women’s magazines and unhelpful friends.

But whoever these foolish mathematicians are, don’t listen to them.  You’ll be over a relationship when you’re over it.  Not when MATH tells you that you are.  It just doesn’t make any sense. To prove that this math doesn’t make any sense, here are some equally helpful equations.

If you lose your job…

# of years you worked at the job / 4 =

the length of time that is respectful to wait before getting a new job

If your television breaks…

# of hours of cop dramas you watch in a week  X  6 =

# of days you should wait before buying a new television

If you drop an ice cream cone on the ground…

# of minutes you spend crying about your ice cream + 10 =

# of minutes you must grieve before getting a new ice cream cone

*If you did not cry at all, you are a monster and you may only have raisins for dessert.

funny divorce blog

Sadly, if you lose the head to an electric toothbrush, you’ll never really be ready to replace it, thereby dooming you to a life of manual teeth brushing.

Venn Diagrams: Inspired By True Events

Hey, everyone likes Venn Diagrams, right? Well here are some good ones, inspired by true events. Boy, for people who hate math, we sure use a lot of it.

funny venn diagrams

funny venn diagrams

funny venn diagrams

funny venn diagrams

funny venn diagrams

Ideally.

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