Tag Archives: divorce and the holidays

Surviving (your family during) The Holidays

If you have recently gone through a break-up or divorce, the holidays can be even more stressful than they normally are. Sure, you now have fewer presents to buy, which is WONDERFUL. But the major downside is you’ll likely have to attend many family gatherings where you will have to deal with forced sympathy and questions you don’t want to answer. Literally everyone you know will ask you how you’re feeling  and say things that seem to insinuate that your wife leaving you for the UPS man was all part of God’s plan. Here are some suggestions–consider them a holiday present from EGD to YOU—for what to do at family holiday gatherings to take the focus off of you.

 1.) Brush Up On Your Lying:
 One way to avoid the sympathy of others is to pretend your life has suddenly become fabulous. Now is not the time for truth. Talk about all of the vacations you’ve been going on. Talk about how you somehow managed to get a raise at work but were given less work to do. Tell stories about the sexy male models you are dating. When people inquire about WHERE your sexy male model boyfriend is, look at them as if they are pathetic and say: “He’s on a SHOOT. You wouldn’t understand.” If someone asks about your ex, your response should be swift and the kind of response that makes it seem like you might have actually gone crazy: “Who?”
2.) Make Everyone Else Feel Uncomfortable:
You know how uncomfortable you feel when your second cousin asks you, “What happened to Nick? Is Nick coming? Wait, did you BREAK UP!?” It’s time to turn the tables. Approach every young unmarried, un-engaged man in your family who is with his girlfriend and ask him (preferably in front of her) “So, when are you TYING THE KNOT?! You do PLAN to get ENGAGED, don’t you?” Go up to every woman in your family of child bearing age and ask her if she’s pregnant. When she says no, INSIST that she must be wrong. Is your sister there with her new boyfriend? Great. Get into a long conversation with him. But call him by her former boyfriend’s name.
3.) Just Never Stop Eating:
 This is our favorite strategy. You can’t answer questions with a mouthful of cookies. Problem solved.
Plan B.


Tagged , ,

Asking Santa For a Divorce

The holidays are a stressful time. They’re even more stressful if you’re trapped in a marriage that makes you feel like you’re being buried alive. But if you’re into delaying the inevitable, as most of us are, you’re probably thinking that you’ll just wait until “after the holidays” to make any decisions. And we understand that logic. Mainly, because it demonstrates a lack of real logical thinking. Because, if you think about it, there are always more holidays. Sure, Christmas might be over, but then it’s New Years. And then what about Valentine’s Day? And, as you know, no one wants to get divorced when Flag Day is right around the corner.

But there are some practical aspects in deciding when the “right time” is.

Some things to consider:

1. Kids.  Do you have them? Are you determined to give them one last magical happy family Christmas? Okay. Fair enough. We know you’re not a monster. Wait until January when everyone’s depressed anyway.

2. Future kids.  Do you happen to be a pregnant woman? Are you insane?  You might be. You may as well wait until the baby is outside of you. If for no other reason, you’ll want to be able to drink safely when this all goes down.

3. Travel.  Are you flying somewhere for the holidays? If so, is it with your spouse? If so, are your plane tickets refundable? Or can you at least make changes to your tickets for a nominal fee?

4. Gifts.  Have you already bought your spouse a gift? Is it something you can return? If not, is it something you might like to keep for yourself? On the flip-side, do you happen to know what your spouse is getting you? Like maybe you accidentally went through their email and accidentally saw an order confirmation from Amazon? Is this a gift you would still like to receive?  Think about it. You don’t want to rush into (or out of) anything if you stand the chance of getting a nice e-reader or something.

5.  In-laws.  Do you like them? Would you maybe like one last chance to see them and say a goodbye (without telling them that you’re saying goodbye)? Or, do you hate them? Do you hate them enough that the idea of NOT having to see them is reason enough to ask for a divorce?

6. Laziness.  Are you lazy? Are you a big procrastinator, especially for unpleasant things like going to the DMV or paying medical bills? If so, let’s face it–you’re definitely going to wait until after this holiday season. You might even wait for several more holiday seasons to pass.

7. Miscellaneous. Does your husband normally dress up as Santa at your family’s Christmas party? Can you find a replacement on short notice? Does your wife do all your gift wrapping? Do you have any idea how to wrap a gift? Do you always end up with an inch of box that is completely uncovered by paper?

So, there you have it. We can’t tell you what to do or when to do it. But we’ve given you a lot to think about. Just remember this: the time is never really right and no one cares how a gift is wrapped–it’s how expensive the gift is that matters.

Nailed it.




Tagged ,
%d bloggers like this: