Well, as you may have heard, the Supreme Court struck down DOMA. To that we say, “Great! Now what are we supposed to do with our powers of defense??” Marriage is obviously a lost cause. But we’ve come up with some other things that still need defending.
5 Things You Can Defend Instead of Marriage:
Endangered Species:
You’ve probably been so worried about the crumbling institution of marriage that you’ve forgotten all about the Leatherback Sea Turtles and the Western Lowland Gorillas. The moral fabric of society is a lost cause! You might as well save some whales instead.
The Ozone Layer:
Remember this thing? There’s still a hole in it.
Baby Animals:
So tiny. So… DEFENSELESS.
Brussel Sprouts:
Honestly, they’re not bad.
Your Castle:
What? You don’t HAVE a castle? Oh boy. Did the gays take it from you?!
Everyone Gets Divorced 
I am sorry to hear that you are against gay marriage and apparently very closed minded. I’ll be removing my name from your list.
And we are sorry that you completely missed the point. We will be creating a list and adding your name to it.
I want to be on the list! Also let’s defend binge TV, smelly old dogs, and Wendy’s Frosties.