Category Archives: Holidays

Jun 14 2013
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Hindsight, Holidays

Wedding Day Red Flags

We weren’t going to blog today, seeing as it’s Flag Day and we know you’re all probably out, attending Flag Day barbeques, and watching Flag Day parades, and checking out those big Flag Day mattress sales.  But then we thought, what better day for a THEME blog?

You hear a lot about “red flags” in relationships.  They are, disappointingly, not real flags, but rather less tangible things that should serve as warning signs that you are in a bad relationship. Unfortunately, these flags are almost always completely invisible until after you are already divorced.

But love is blind.  And sometimes, “not love” is also blind.  Maybe a better way to say it is, “sometimes we are stupid.”

So in honor of Flag Day, we’ve compiled a cheeky little list of 5 Wedding Day Red Flags. (Somewhat based on actual events.)

5 WEDDING DAY RED FLAGS

1. Your parents’ tears of happiness look more sad than happy.

2. You/Your spouse’s emotional state during the wedding ceremony would best be described as “bored.”

3. People at the reception keep looking at you and saying things like “What’s wrong?” and “Are you okay?” and “Do you want to leave?”

4. You spend more time dancing with your new husband’s friends than with your new husband.

5. Come to think of it, your new husband is spending a lot of time dancing with your maid of honor…

An actual flag is much easier to spot than the fact that you and your spouse are horrible incompatible.

An actual flag is much easier to see than the fact that you and your spouse are horribly incompatible.

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Mar 15 2013
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Holidays, Lists

Why Do Leprechauns Get Divorced?

We talk a lot about human divorce on this blog. And public opinion tells us that we talk too much about duck divorce. But in honor of the upcoming holiday, we’re going to answer the burning question that we assume is on everyone’s mind: WHY DO LEPRECHAUNS GET DIVORCED?

leprechaundivorce

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Feb 14 2013
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Greeting Cards, Holidays

Valentine’s Day Cards

For the Still-Married Couple

tonightdrunkcard

For a Very Special Mistress

wontseeyou

For Your Darling Ex-Husband

manilove

For Your Dear Ex-Wife

exwifegrowoldcard

For the Happy Couples in Your Life

shutupcard

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Dec 19 2012
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Holidays

Surviving (your family during) The Holidays

If you have recently gone through a break-up or divorce, the holidays can be even more stressful than they normally are. Sure, you now have fewer presents to buy, which is WONDERFUL. But the major downside is you’ll likely have to attend many family gatherings where you will have to deal with forced sympathy and questions you don’t want to answer. Literally everyone you know will ask you how you’re feeling  and say things that seem to insinuate that your wife leaving you for the UPS man was all part of God’s plan. Here are some suggestions–consider them a holiday present from EGD to YOU—for what to do at family holiday gatherings to take the focus off of you.

 1.) Brush Up On Your Lying:
 One way to avoid the sympathy of others is to pretend your life has suddenly become fabulous. Now is not the time for truth. Talk about all of the vacations you’ve been going on. Talk about how you somehow managed to get a raise at work but were given less work to do. Tell stories about the sexy male models you are dating. When people inquire about WHERE your sexy male model boyfriend is, look at them as if they are pathetic and say: “He’s on a SHOOT. You wouldn’t understand.” If someone asks about your ex, your response should be swift and the kind of response that makes it seem like you might have actually gone crazy: “Who?”
2.) Make Everyone Else Feel Uncomfortable:
You know how uncomfortable you feel when your second cousin asks you, “What happened to Nick? Is Nick coming? Wait, did you BREAK UP!?” It’s time to turn the tables. Approach every young unmarried, un-engaged man in your family who is with his girlfriend and ask him (preferably in front of her) “So, when are you TYING THE KNOT?! You do PLAN to get ENGAGED, don’t you?” Go up to every woman in your family of child bearing age and ask her if she’s pregnant. When she says no, INSIST that she must be wrong. Is your sister there with her new boyfriend? Great. Get into a long conversation with him. But call him by her former boyfriend’s name.
3.) Just Never Stop Eating:
 This is our favorite strategy. You can’t answer questions with a mouthful of cookies. Problem solved.
Plan B.

PLAN B.

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Dec 11 2012
4 Comments
Holidays

You’ve Had a Bad Year: 3 Tips for Writing a Christmas Letter

You probably don’t write a Christmas letter. But we know you weirdos  very regular people are out there. And sometimes, when you look back on your life since last Christmas, it’s not all job promotions and weddings and fun vacations. Sometimes, the year is better summarized by crying and therapy and splitting up flatware. What we’re trying to say is that if you got divorced this year, your letter is going to suffer. That’s why we want to give you a few tips for writing a Christmas letter.

1.  Avoid being too honest. That makes people uncomfortable.  You got divorced this year? Fine. You can say that.  But you should avoid using phrases like, “…and just when I thought 2012 couldn’t get any worse…” or “working through the betrayal.”  Then again, you don’t have to mention your divorce at all. Consider just phasing your spouse out of the letter. People will probably get the idea after a few years.

2. Don’t go overboard trying to convince people that you’re FINE. Actually, BETTER THAN FINE. BEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, REALLY.  We see what you’re doing.   If you want your ex to find out that you hiked Machu Picchu and you’re dating a model, do it the old-fashioned way and make an album on Facebook and change the privacy to “public.”

3. Don’t write a Christmas letter. Just send a card with a picture of you and your model boyfriend/girlfriend at Machu Picchu.

surviving the holidays after divorce

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Dec 06 2012
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Holidays

Holiday Gift Guide 2012: 10 DIY Gifts to Show Them You Don’t Care

It’s that time of year when holiday gift guides abound. And the internet is brimming with ideas for thoughtful gifts that fit every budget. But those gift guides all assume that you LIKE the person you’re shopping for. But what if you’re feeling a little… iffy? Let’s say you’re shopping for your spouse and maybe, just maybe, your marriage is on the rocks. What then? Well, for starters, you’re definitely going to want to go the DIY route. Homemade gifts are the best way to tell someone that you’re not really sure how you feel about them. So, we bring you the EGD Holiday Gift Guide 2012. Here are 10 DIY gifts that show how much you don’t really care. (These are real things we really found on the internet, btw.)

EGD HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 2012: DIY EDITION

1. Recycled T-Shirt Pom Poms

Can you believe that these don’t even require you to sew? And think of all the uses!

diypompom

 

2. DIY Mug

Do you have a sharpie? Do you also have a mug? Perfect.

diymug

3. Homemade Gift Basket

Here are some noodles and some store brand Italian seasoning. I’ll be gone soon, but I don’t want you to starve. Hopefully you can figure out how to cook pasta and put Ragu on it.

diypasta

4. Duct Tape Roses

Okay, this is really more of a Valentine’s gift, but it can still work. The important thing is that they’re roses and that they’re made of duct tape.

5. Fringe Scarf

You might not like the scarf, but at least I ruined a t-shirt to make it. I even cut out the pit stains. For you.

diyfringescarf

6. Pencil Holder

Those  pencils aren’t going to hold themselves! Also, don’t forget the final step (add the pencils to the container) or it might look like you’re just giving them a stupid empty jar!

diypencilholder

7. Soda Can Coasters

I have turned actual trash into something you’ll never use. Merry Christmas.

diycoasters

8. Exfoliating Foot Soap

NOTHING says ‘loveless marriage’ like homemade foot soap.

diyfootsoap

9. Wine Cork Pen

I jammed a pen through some corks. Happy? P.S. You’re the reason I drink.

diywine-cork-pens

10. The Gift of a Blog

A truly horrible gift for someone you hate.

diygiftofblog

Happy Holidays!

diyjessicamug

You know it’s true because Sharpie markers are PERMANENT.

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Nov 29 2012
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Concerns, Holidays

Asking Santa For a Divorce

The holidays are a stressful time. They’re even more stressful if you’re trapped in a marriage that makes you feel like you’re being buried alive. But if you’re into delaying the inevitable, as most of us are, you’re probably thinking that you’ll just wait until “after the holidays” to make any decisions. And we understand that logic. Mainly, because it demonstrates a lack of real logical thinking. Because, if you think about it, there are always more holidays. Sure, Christmas might be over, but then it’s New Years. And then what about Valentine’s Day? And, as you know, no one wants to get divorced when Flag Day is right around the corner.

But there are some practical aspects in deciding when the “right time” is.

Some things to consider:

1. Kids.  Do you have them? Are you determined to give them one last magical happy family Christmas? Okay. Fair enough. We know you’re not a monster. Wait until January when everyone’s depressed anyway.

2. Future kids.  Do you happen to be a pregnant woman? Are you insane?  You might be. You may as well wait until the baby is outside of you. If for no other reason, you’ll want to be able to drink safely when this all goes down.

3. Travel.  Are you flying somewhere for the holidays? If so, is it with your spouse? If so, are your plane tickets refundable? Or can you at least make changes to your tickets for a nominal fee?

4. Gifts.  Have you already bought your spouse a gift? Is it something you can return? If not, is it something you might like to keep for yourself? On the flip-side, do you happen to know what your spouse is getting you? Like maybe you accidentally went through their email and accidentally saw an order confirmation from Amazon? Is this a gift you would still like to receive?  Think about it. You don’t want to rush into (or out of) anything if you stand the chance of getting a nice e-reader or something.

5.  In-laws.  Do you like them? Would you maybe like one last chance to see them and say a goodbye (without telling them that you’re saying goodbye)? Or, do you hate them? Do you hate them enough that the idea of NOT having to see them is reason enough to ask for a divorce?

6. Laziness.  Are you lazy? Are you a big procrastinator, especially for unpleasant things like going to the DMV or paying medical bills? If so, let’s face it–you’re definitely going to wait until after this holiday season. You might even wait for several more holiday seasons to pass.

7. Miscellaneous. Does your husband normally dress up as Santa at your family’s Christmas party? Can you find a replacement on short notice? Does your wife do all your gift wrapping? Do you have any idea how to wrap a gift? Do you always end up with an inch of box that is completely uncovered by paper?

So, there you have it. We can’t tell you what to do or when to do it. But we’ve given you a lot to think about. Just remember this: the time is never really right and no one cares how a gift is wrapped–it’s how expensive the gift is that matters.

Nailed it.

 

 

 

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