How Times Change
Everyone Gets Divorced
and other facts we made up
Monthly Archives: August 2012
DIVORCE MYTHS AND FACTS
DIVORCE MYTH #1: 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce.
FACT: Bananas are naturally radioactive.
DIVORCE MYTH #2: Couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced.
FACT: A banana is actually a BERRY.
DIVORCE MYTH #3: Police officers are more likely to get divorced.
FACT: A cluster of bananas is called a “hand” and a single banana is called a “finger.”
DIVORCE MYTH #4: Second marriages are more likely to fail than first marriages.
FACT: Uganda has the highest average rate of banana consumption per person. The average Ugandan eats 500 pounds of bananas in a year.
DIVORCE MYTH #5: America has the highest divorce rate in the world.
FACT: Americans eat more bananas than any other fruit.
Turns out, facts about bananas are a lot more straightforward AND interesting than facts about divorce.
What About the Kids?
It’s one of the greatest concerns for couples contemplating divorce. What about the kids? Should we stay together for the kids? There’s no easy answer. But the answer is no. You need not stay together for the kids. Even if you read a really idiotic article on say, The Huffington Post, that says getting a divorce will ruin your children’s lives.
Getting a divorce is never the ideal situation. You didn’t plan on it. But it does happen. A lot. But you’ll survive and so will your kids. We’re not suggesting that you shouldn’t try and make your marriage work for the sake of your family. But sometimes, it’s not a matter of trying. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
We know it hurts. We’ve heard the stories. “My kids cried all night!” “The kids were furious with me.” “They will never forgive me!”
But look at it this way.
Kids are jerks.
No, we know. You love your kids. They’re precious. They make life worth living. But we’re here to say, that they can still be real jerks. Some of the authors of this website will admit to being a real jerk up to the age of 25. At least.
So, sure, if you decide you need to separate or get a divorce, your kids will be upset. But kids get upset all the time. You can wait. You can wait until they’re out of the house. But guess what? They’ll still be upset. Isn’t it better to get that upset out of the way earlier? And maybe by the time they’re nice, reasonable adults, they’ll have stopped being upset.
So don’t feel like a terrible person if your kids cry when you tell them the news. To put it in perspective, here are some other things that kids cry about.
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
If you feel stuck in a relationship, you may find yourself saying things that you don’t really mean. But the problem is, sometimes you don’t even KNOW what you really mean.
Fortunately, we’ve been there. And we know what you really mean when you want out.
Mad-Libs
Chances are, if you’re reading this website, you’ve attended a wedding before. At the very least, you’ve attended your own wedding, and so you intimately know that weddings can be a horrible, horrible mistake. Maybe someone told you before you walked down the aisle that it was a bad idea, but maybe not. Even if someone did, you clearly didn’t listen (dummy!). So what happens when the shoe is on the other foot? When you are expected to attend—or even participate in—the wedding of one of your friends or family members, even though you KNOW they’re making a mistake. What can you do? Probably not much. But you can try. Here’s a Mad-Lib style form letter you can send to your loved one, to warn them. It’s the right thing to do:
Dear _____(name of friend or family member),
You know how much I _____(verb) you. We’ve been _____(relationship) for ____(number) years, and we’ve had a lot of ______(adjective) times together. I hope you know that I only have the ______(superlative adjective) wishes for your happiness and _______(feeling). I know that you and ______(fiance/e) have been together for _____(number) ______(years/weeks/days), and I think that’s ______(adjective). And I’m sure you’ve heard the statistics–you know that _____(number) percent of marriages end in_____(divorce/murder/murder-suicide). Now, it’s not that I THINK this will happen to YOU TWO! (lie). You and____(fiance/e) are SO much different than everyone else. But maybe, you should consider that there are still so many other people out there, like______(name of someone more attractive than his/her fiance/e). Or even, _______( name of his/her highschool boyfriend/girlfriend). Also. don’t forget that when you’re married, you will probably never be able to ______(name of his/her favorite activity) anymore! Like never again! I was talking to_____(fiance/e) the other day, and _____(he/she) told me that ___(he’d/she’d) never let you do that anymore. Anyway, I’m not trying to rain on your______(name of festival/parade). Want to come over later and we can talk about this over a pitcher of______(gin/rum)?
______(loving word),
______(your name)
I just really want a cupcake right now.
Word of the Day: FRIENDS
FRIENDS
noun
- lovers
Usage:
- “My ex-husband told me he was friends with the brunette at work.”
- “What??? I’m not allowed to have FRIENDS now???”
- “I started making a lot more friends after the separation.”
This duck got divorced after he became friends with his personal trainer.
Why Do People Get Divorced?
Why do people get divorced? It’s a common question. Why do dogs get divorced? It’s a less common question. Why do ducks get divorced? Well, it’s a question we ask ourselves every day. It turns out that people, dogs, and ducks are not so different.
Will Your Marriage Last?
While we can never REALLY know which marriages will stand the test of time and which ones won’t, studies have shown that the presence of certain factors can help predict the likelihood of divorce. It’s a complicated analysis of things like the age at marriage, cohabitation status, level of education, income, social and religious values, and some other boring stuff.
We’ve gone ahead and simplified it.
Here are 2 simple predictors that your marriage is more likely to fail:
1. At the time of marriage, you are not of legal drinking age.
2. At the time of marriage, you are of legal drinking age and you are too drunk to walk down the aisle.
Definitely too young and probably too drunk.
Things That Are Scarier Than Divorce
According to SCIENCE, marriage rates in the United States are on the decline. Right now, only about half of the adult population is married, whereas 50 years ago, 85 percent of adults were married. Some people cite a “fear of divorce” as the reason that many young adults are delaying marriage. But, if you think about it, aren’t those people stupid?
Sure, divorce is unpleasant, but there are PLENTY of things that are much scarier. What’s the point in wasting your fear on divorce?
Celebrating Your Divorce
Divorce should be celebrated. Not because it’s fun. And not because you always dreamed of getting divorced. But because sometimes, it’s necessary. And you deserve a treat when you’re finally done. It would be great, if we could all jet off to Fiji to celebrate our divorce being finalized, but we recognize that, depending on your budget, that may not be an option. So here are some ideas for celebrating a divorce on any budget.
For the High Rollers: Treat yourself to a vacation. We’ve just decided that if a honeymoon is common practice after a wedding, why not a divorce-moon after a marriage? Go somewhere tropical. Or somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Go somewhere your former spouse would have hated. Bring a friend if you want. Bring a new lover if you want. You’ve earned it.
Belize is a nice place to divorce-moon.
For the Modest Rollers: Go to a nearby theme park. Or a water park. Something nearby that guarantees things like laughs or thrills or amusement of some sort.
For Anyone: Throw a divorce party. It can be as big or as small as you like. All that matters is what you’re drinking. Invite all of your friends who probably hated your ex anyway. They’ll be happy to party with you. You can play games, like “not talking about your divorce.” It’ll be great fun!
For the Low Rollers: Have pancakes for dinner. Having pancakes for dinner always signifies a special occasion.
Everyone Gets Divorced 