Everyone Gets Divorced

This is by far the question we get asked most often, so we will keep answering it in new and different ways until everyone understands. It’s simple, really.

In the old days, there were several reasons that people got married:

But nowadays, strangely enough, people often get married regardless of their fetal situations. Even in a state of absolute non-pregnancy, people vow to spend the rest of their lives with a person who they aren’t even particularly fond of. See? You’re not the only one.

Here’s the way it frequently goes down:

You go off to college and you think that you’re very wise and all grown up.  You demonstrate this by doing extremely wise things. Like wearing hemp jewelry. And getting your nose pierced. And joining the local chapter of the Green Party. And it’s at this point in your life, that you meet someone. You start dating and you’re basically soul mates! You like the same movies! He likes Indian food. And YOU like Indian Food! It’s shaping up to be the greatest love story of all time. And then all of a sudden you’re in your mid-20’s and you’ve been eating Indian food, and loving Edward Scissorhands for what seems like forever, and people just assume that you’re going to get married, and you’re one of those people! You don’t even think about it.

You don’t think about the possibility that there are any other options. You’ve known each other FOREVER. And you’re definitely old enough to make big life-changing decisions now.  You’re 23. Sure, he bugs you and he makes you angry but that’s normal. You can’t break up with a person just because they say the word “nuclear” incorrectly, right?  So you don’t even consider the possibility that you won’t end up married. You’ve seen television shows. Everybody Loves Raymond or whatever. They’re adults. They’re married. But they are constantly pissing each other off. That’s what love is, right? Thinking that your boyfriend or husband is a complete idiot. Way to go, Hollywood. Everyone’s been so worried about how the media promotes eating disorders and promiscuity, when the real problem is that it teaches young people that being married means that you’re eternally annoyed by your doofus of a mate.

Anyhow, let’s forget how Ray Romano ruined our lives. You’re 20-something. So old!  And everyone knows you’re going to get married to this person. So you just do it. And you might even know, deep down, that this isn’t the greatest idea. But you can rationalize that you’re doing the right thing. Let’s not forget the Indian food connection.

Of course this does not apply to everyone. There are people who get married at a very young age and stay married for the suggested duration. (Forever.)  And there are even some people who enter serious relationships with someone who isn’t quite right for them and they actually manage to break up with that person before marrying them.

Let’s go ahead and assume that you don’t think that getting divorced is a mortal sin.  Maybe you believe in God, but you don’t believe that you’re going to go to hell for getting divorced. What’s the big deal? Getting a divorce is just like any other break-up except it involves a lot of paperwork and it’s a colossal pain. But there’s no need to be embarrassed.  People break up all the time. People make mistakes.

And the secret is that an ill-advised marriage and the subsequent divorce can be quite amusing. It’s like any painful decision. It’s not so funny at the time. It’s sad. It’s stressful. But with time and distance, you’ll be able to laugh about it. Just like the hemp necklace. But, again, with more paperwork.