Category Archives: Counterpoints

Divorce Predictors

You have probably seen numerous articles about the # 1 predictor of divorce. But all of these articles are wrong. Or to be more specific, they all give different examples of the # 1 predictor, and we know very well that there can only be ONE true #1. (Except in the case of EGD, where both Jessica and Jeanne are #1.) Some of the alleged #1 predictors are:

1) A habitual avoidance of conflict: These don’t even sound like real words to us.

2) Overuse of “You” language, plus directives: Here are two examples of what this means: You should pay attention. Or, “You are not good enough.” So I guess what we’re saying is, if you want to stay married forever, you should replace those phrases with: “Someone should pay attention…not naming names…but someone in this room…who is you.” And, ” Sometimes people are not good enough. This is one of those times. And it’s you

3) Frequently invalidating each other’s feelings: Ok, ok. We can see how that might lead to divorce. But what are you supposed to do if your wife’s feelings are always stupid and dumb? What THEN?!

4) Differing values around money: Hm. It’s hard for us to wrap our minds around this one. Are there people out there who don’t think money is the most important thing in the entire world? Really? Shut up! That’s crazy.

5) Cold feet: Here they mean, if the bride or groom wasn’t that sold on having the  wedding in the first place. This seems obvious. If you can’t even get excited about a fun party night with alcohol, then it’s going to be pretty tough to stay excited about a lifetime of nights on the couch eating Fritos and flipping through the Netflix menu. Actually, that sounds pretty good. Nevermind.

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Seems legit.

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If you read our last blog, you saw our take on Single Dad Laughing aka Dan Pearce’s “16 Ways I Blew My Marriage.”  And you know that we agree with him on at least one point, and that is that you should close the door while having a bowel movement.  THANK GOD FOR THE INTERNET! Right??

We got a lot of comments and emails from readers who agreed with our message  – that is that none of Dan’s 20/20 hindsight is going to save a marriage that just wasn’t right in the first place. And to be perfectly honest, we feel like it’s kind of cruel to make people think that if your marriage fails, it’s somehow due to a lack of TRYING. Of course, it can be. But that’s not always the case.

Anyhow, those of you who poked around Single Dad Laughing may have noticed that there is a sequel to the 16 ways post! It’s called “THE OTHER 15 Ways I Blew My Marriage.” (*Sidebar to Dan: Shouldn’t it be the other 16 ways?  The url says “the other 16” but the title says “the other 15.” Did you start writing and then realize that there were only exactly 31 ways in which you blew your marriage(s)? Did one of the ways get lost?  Have you been censored? What if that 32nd way is the most important way of them all??? Tell us what number 32 is, Dan! WE NEED ANSWERS.)

So, since we wrote a thoughtful response to the first 16 Ways, we’re going to address the next FIFTEEN ways with a different approach: sassy retorts and lots of ’em!

dumb marriage advice

Jessica agrees but she was too busy for sign-making.

The OTHER 15 Ways Single Dad Laughing Blew His Marriage:

DAN TIP # 17: “Don’t stop bringing her flowers.”

We say: Better yet, don’t start bringing her flowers. They just die. Like your love.

DAN TIP #18: “Don’t work so much that you don’t want sex.”

We say:  First of all, you were right to think this may be too much information. It is too much information.

DAN TIP #19: “Don’t put her down to others.”

We say:  The brilliance of this advice is that it is SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS.

DAN TIP #20: “Don’t be passive aggressive with her.”

We say: If you can’t be passive aggressive with your spouse, then we ask you: WITH WHOM CAN YOU BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE??

DAN TIP #21: “Don’t find reasons to ditch her.”

We say: If you are really finding reasons to ditch your wife, you don’t want to be married to her. It’s simple. We know a man who was married and used to go out every night because he just didn’t want to see his wife. Wouldn’t the better advice be “Don’t marry someone who you want to ditch?”

DAN TIP #22: “Don’t touch her only when you want sex.”

We say: I mean, what’s the point of touching then?

DAN TIP #23: “Don’t stop taking her on nice dates.”

We say: We agree with this one. Especially because you note the “bonus” of  “everyone on her Instagram and Facebook thinking you’re the damned coolest hubby on the planet.”  Looking cool on Facebook is the foundation of any good marriage. And using the word “hubby” is the super annoying landscaping or some shit.

DAN TIP #24: “Don’t give her guilt for needing to get away from you.”

We say:  We don’t know about this one, Dan. Now it seems like SHE is finding reasons to ditch YOU. In which case, you might want to refer her to your blog, #21.

DAN TIP #25: “Don’t drown her with your sarcasm.”

We say: No. Instead, waterboard the internet with your fake sincerity.

DAN TIP #26: “Don’t make her do the gross and scary things.”

We say: YES. Treat her like a child. Women love that.

DAN TIP #27: “Don’t think you’re smarter than she is.”

We say: You’re not. Don’t worry.

DAN TIP #28: “Move away from your family. And hers.”

We say: Absolutely. We tell you, there is NOTHING, NOTHING more important to keeping a marriage alive than completely isolating yourselves from your support system.

DAN TIP #29: “Don’t be a talk-hog.”

We say: Also, refrain from saying things like “talk-hog.”

DAN TIP #30: “Don’t demand that she tell you what she’s thinking.”

We say: Right. Just assume that you know what she’s thinking. It’s probably about her nails or shoes or something.

DAN TIP #31: “Don’t buy into your grandparents’ gender roles.”

We say: No, don’t buy into your grandparents’ gender roles. Except the one where all girls are afraid of scary gross bugs.

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16 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Forever

single dad laughing 16 ways

Dan Pearce, aka Single Dad Laughing, aka some divorced guy with a marker.

You may have seen this popular blog post from Single Dad Laughing called 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage. And it’s fine marriage advice from the twice-divorced Dan Pearce. In the post, he writes honestly about his own faults and things he should have done differently. His advice covers a lot of ground from “Don’t stop holding her hand” and “Don’t call names” to “Don’t poop with the bathroom door open.”  Now, we can get on board with Dan’s advice; we absolutely agree that no one should ever, EVER make it a habit to poop with the door open. We do not, I repeat, DO NOT, support public pooping.  You can quote us on that. (Please quote us on that.)

But all the good marriage advice in the world does not guarantee a lasting marriage. You can follow all the rules and take all of Dan’s advice, and still blow it. People seem to often forget, that the most important factor in a successful marriage, possibly even more important than shutting the door when you defecate, is the decision you make about WHO you’re marrying. If you make a bad decision, the advice is useless. Like this:

16 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Forever:

1. Be amazing.

2. Laugh at least 100 times a day.

3. Don’t only have cake on birthdays.

4. Be rich.

5. Have a perfect face.

6. Don’t be mean.

7. Make out passionately for 3 hours a day.

8. Don’t fight.

9. DO NOT stab each other.

10. Always be on vacation.

11. Never grow old.

12. Don’t blog about what you would do if you could just get another chance with your last wife.

13. Be the best at lovemaking.

14. Do not pee on the floor.

15. Do not pee in the sink.

16. Pretend like you’re not intellectually superior, even though you are.

Now, seriously. Some of this advice is good. And some of it isn’t bad. And some of it is just impossible. (Like, you can’t NEVER pee on the floor.) But even if it were possible to be attractive and amazing and always nice and always romantic, it JUST WOULDN’T MATTER if you married the wrong person.

marriage advice

A sign that your marriage is about to be blown.

We don’t know anything about Dan Pearce’s ex-wives. Well, we know that they both married a man who was comfortable pooping with the bathroom door open, so that’s something. But other than that, we don’t know anything. We don’t know if they were suited for marriage with him. We don’t know if they were really in love. We don’t know what happened. But we do know what happened in our own lives. We (Jessica and Jeanne) actually know a lot of stuff. And, collectively, we have also been divorced twice.  So, with our powers combined, we are definitely just as wise as Dan Pearce. And one of the things we know is that we blew it before we ever walked down the aisle. We made the wrong decision about who and when to marry. And all the flowers and kisses and compliments in the world would not have un-blown our marriages.

marriage advice

Jeanne blew it.

So everyone, let’s just agree that marriage is work. MARRIAGE IS WORK. Okay? We know. We agree. But sometimes, people make bad decisions. And all that work is not going to change that. Holding hands more often is not going to change that. If you married the wrong person, really, nothing is going to change that. But shut the bathroom door, either way.  That’s just common sense.

really good marriage advice

Dan Pearce, saver of marriages.

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