Author Archives: jeanne

Dec 06 2012
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Holidays

Holiday Gift Guide 2012: 10 DIY Gifts to Show Them You Don’t Care

It’s that time of year when holiday gift guides abound. And the internet is brimming with ideas for thoughtful gifts that fit every budget. But those gift guides all assume that you LIKE the person you’re shopping for. But what if you’re feeling a little… iffy? Let’s say you’re shopping for your spouse and maybe, just maybe, your marriage is on the rocks. What then? Well, for starters, you’re definitely going to want to go the DIY route. Homemade gifts are the best way to tell someone that you’re not really sure how you feel about them. So, we bring you the EGD Holiday Gift Guide 2012. Here are 10 DIY gifts that show how much you don’t really care. (These are real things we really found on the internet, btw.)

EGD HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 2012: DIY EDITION

1. Recycled T-Shirt Pom Poms

Can you believe that these don’t even require you to sew? And think of all the uses!

diypompom

 

2. DIY Mug

Do you have a sharpie? Do you also have a mug? Perfect.

diymug

3. Homemade Gift Basket

Here are some noodles and some store brand Italian seasoning. I’ll be gone soon, but I don’t want you to starve. Hopefully you can figure out how to cook pasta and put Ragu on it.

diypasta

4. Duct Tape Roses

Okay, this is really more of a Valentine’s gift, but it can still work. The important thing is that they’re roses and that they’re made of duct tape.

5. Fringe Scarf

You might not like the scarf, but at least I ruined a t-shirt to make it. I even cut out the pit stains. For you.

diyfringescarf

6. Pencil Holder

Those  pencils aren’t going to hold themselves! Also, don’t forget the final step (add the pencils to the container) or it might look like you’re just giving them a stupid empty jar!

diypencilholder

7. Soda Can Coasters

I have turned actual trash into something you’ll never use. Merry Christmas.

diycoasters

8. Exfoliating Foot Soap

NOTHING says ‘loveless marriage’ like homemade foot soap.

diyfootsoap

9. Wine Cork Pen

I jammed a pen through some corks. Happy? P.S. You’re the reason I drink.

diywine-cork-pens

10. The Gift of a Blog

A truly horrible gift for someone you hate.

diygiftofblog

Happy Holidays!

diyjessicamug

You know it’s true because Sharpie markers are PERMANENT.

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Dec 04 2012
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Advice, Celebrity, Communication

Communicating with your Ex

A fan recently asked us a good question. This is notable because more often, fans ask us less good questions like, “I want to get marry can u help me please?” Anyway, the good question was: “How do you tell your ex you’re involved with someone new?”

So we came up with a guide for telling your ex that you’re dating again. It’s real life advice, but since advice for living a real life is often quite boring, we’re also giving you the more exciting alternative “if your life was a movie,” version as well.

A Guide to Telling Your Ex That You’re Dating Again:

1. If you have kids…

Real Life: Sharing children with your ex is the most compelling reason to tell them you are dating someone new. Why? Because kids are snitches. If you don’t tell your ex, they will. Which of these two options sounds like it will cause conflict: Your 5-year-old daughter telling your ex-wife that, “Daddy has a new friend who is prettier and taller and thinner than you,” or a calm, rational discussion with your ex that explains that you have been seeing someone, and you’d like to introduce him or her to the kids? Trick question. They’ll both cause conflict. But at least if you do the latter, you can pretend you’ve taken some higher moral ground.

Movie Version: Make sure that your new boyfriend or girlfriend has a spare kidney and is an organ donor match for your ex-spouse. Also, be sure your ex-spouse has a terminal kidney disease. I think you see where this is going…Ex-spouse is dying, new lover enters, lover offers kidney to ex-spouse, BOOM. Everyone is friends.

2. If you’re still “friends”…

Real Life: First of all, why are you still friends with your ex? If you’re one of those people who goes to the occasional lunch with their ex and says things like, “I don’t understand why we WOULDN’T be friends – we were MARRIED after all!” then we have no respect for you and don’t understand you. You don’t need our advice. You’re such good PALS this shouldn’t be any problem at all. Just tell your ex-husband “friend” that you’re getting remarried over a beer, just like you would any old buddy. You crazy kids.

Movie Version: You’re out for tapas with your ex, like you do. And RIGHT when you are about to say, “Guess what? I’m dating someone new,” over a small plate of something wrapped in something else, your ex SIMULTANEOUSLY says, ” I’m still in love with you.” Uh oh. Guess you shouldn’t have tried to be friends after all! Dummy.

3. If you’re still “seeing each other” for some ungodly reason…

Real Life: Stop that.

Movie Version: Oh my god, an earthquake!

4. If you’re totally through except for the occasional email about insurance or bills…

Real Life: THEY DON’T NEED TO KNOW YOU’RE DATING SOMEONE NEW.

Movie Version: In the movie version, you are Reese Witherspoon and you occasionally email your handsome ex-husband, Matthew McConaughey. One day you sit pensively at your computer before composing an e-mail telling handsome-ex that you are now dating someone very handsome but slightly less likeable, like, Christian Bale. Upon receiving this email, handsome-ex sets off on a trip across America where he reflects a lot on the mistakes he made with you and, more importantly, learns to love himself. All the while, Christian Bale proves himself to be even less likeable than we originally thought. He probably yells at a waitress or something and you have doubts about whether he’s the man for you. Months later, you run into handsome-Matthew-ex–randomly– at a small Parisian cafe. He just so happens to have your favorite kind of flowers (orchids) which he presents to you as he makes a speech about his undying love for you, loud enough for everyone to hear. You smile and throw your hand up to your tiny, yet strangely pointed Reese Witherspoon-y chin. You tell Christian Bale to go be Batman somewhere else, and you jump into Matthew McConaughey’s arms and tell him you’ve always loved him, and then whisper in his ear that you’d really appreciate it if he would work on getting back into “Magic Mike” shape.

5. If you have deleted their number and blocked them from Facebook…

Real Life: We aren’t aware of any methods of communication that don’t involve Facebook or cell phones. We don’t know, maybe write your ex a letter? Do people still do that? Take out an ad in the newspaper? Rent billboard space? This could get expensive, so be sure to win the lottery first.

Movie version: This situation is too boring to ever be a sub-plot to a movie. Sorry that you’re so boring.

rotary-phone

If you’re one of those people who is too “cool” to communicate with Facebook or email or cellphones, just use one of these. Whatever it is.

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Nov 29 2012
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Concerns, Holidays

Asking Santa For a Divorce

The holidays are a stressful time. They’re even more stressful if you’re trapped in a marriage that makes you feel like you’re being buried alive. But if you’re into delaying the inevitable, as most of us are, you’re probably thinking that you’ll just wait until “after the holidays” to make any decisions. And we understand that logic. Mainly, because it demonstrates a lack of real logical thinking. Because, if you think about it, there are always more holidays. Sure, Christmas might be over, but then it’s New Years. And then what about Valentine’s Day? And, as you know, no one wants to get divorced when Flag Day is right around the corner.

But there are some practical aspects in deciding when the “right time” is.

Some things to consider:

1. Kids.  Do you have them? Are you determined to give them one last magical happy family Christmas? Okay. Fair enough. We know you’re not a monster. Wait until January when everyone’s depressed anyway.

2. Future kids.  Do you happen to be a pregnant woman? Are you insane?  You might be. You may as well wait until the baby is outside of you. If for no other reason, you’ll want to be able to drink safely when this all goes down.

3. Travel.  Are you flying somewhere for the holidays? If so, is it with your spouse? If so, are your plane tickets refundable? Or can you at least make changes to your tickets for a nominal fee?

4. Gifts.  Have you already bought your spouse a gift? Is it something you can return? If not, is it something you might like to keep for yourself? On the flip-side, do you happen to know what your spouse is getting you? Like maybe you accidentally went through their email and accidentally saw an order confirmation from Amazon? Is this a gift you would still like to receive?  Think about it. You don’t want to rush into (or out of) anything if you stand the chance of getting a nice e-reader or something.

5.  In-laws.  Do you like them? Would you maybe like one last chance to see them and say a goodbye (without telling them that you’re saying goodbye)? Or, do you hate them? Do you hate them enough that the idea of NOT having to see them is reason enough to ask for a divorce?

6. Laziness.  Are you lazy? Are you a big procrastinator, especially for unpleasant things like going to the DMV or paying medical bills? If so, let’s face it–you’re definitely going to wait until after this holiday season. You might even wait for several more holiday seasons to pass.

7. Miscellaneous. Does your husband normally dress up as Santa at your family’s Christmas party? Can you find a replacement on short notice? Does your wife do all your gift wrapping? Do you have any idea how to wrap a gift? Do you always end up with an inch of box that is completely uncovered by paper?

So, there you have it. We can’t tell you what to do or when to do it. But we’ve given you a lot to think about. Just remember this: the time is never really right and no one cares how a gift is wrapped–it’s how expensive the gift is that matters.

Nailed it.

 

 

 

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Nov 20 2012
5 Comments
Counterpoints

SINGLE DAD LAUGHING

If you read our last blog, you saw our take on Single Dad Laughing aka Dan Pearce’s “16 Ways I Blew My Marriage.”  And you know that we agree with him on at least one point, and that is that you should close the door while having a bowel movement.  THANK GOD FOR THE INTERNET! Right??

We got a lot of comments and emails from readers who agreed with our message  – that is that none of Dan’s 20/20 hindsight is going to save a marriage that just wasn’t right in the first place. And to be perfectly honest, we feel like it’s kind of cruel to make people think that if your marriage fails, it’s somehow due to a lack of TRYING. Of course, it can be. But that’s not always the case.

Anyhow, those of you who poked around Single Dad Laughing may have noticed that there is a sequel to the 16 ways post! It’s called “THE OTHER 15 Ways I Blew My Marriage.” (*Sidebar to Dan: Shouldn’t it be the other 16 ways?  The url says “the other 16” but the title says “the other 15.” Did you start writing and then realize that there were only exactly 31 ways in which you blew your marriage(s)? Did one of the ways get lost?  Have you been censored? What if that 32nd way is the most important way of them all??? Tell us what number 32 is, Dan! WE NEED ANSWERS.)

So, since we wrote a thoughtful response to the first 16 Ways, we’re going to address the next FIFTEEN ways with a different approach: sassy retorts and lots of ’em!

dumb marriage advice

Jessica agrees but she was too busy for sign-making.

The OTHER 15 Ways Single Dad Laughing Blew His Marriage:

DAN TIP # 17: “Don’t stop bringing her flowers.”

We say: Better yet, don’t start bringing her flowers. They just die. Like your love.

DAN TIP #18: “Don’t work so much that you don’t want sex.”

We say:  First of all, you were right to think this may be too much information. It is too much information.

DAN TIP #19: “Don’t put her down to others.”

We say:  The brilliance of this advice is that it is SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS.

DAN TIP #20: “Don’t be passive aggressive with her.”

We say: If you can’t be passive aggressive with your spouse, then we ask you: WITH WHOM CAN YOU BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE??

DAN TIP #21: “Don’t find reasons to ditch her.”

We say: If you are really finding reasons to ditch your wife, you don’t want to be married to her. It’s simple. We know a man who was married and used to go out every night because he just didn’t want to see his wife. Wouldn’t the better advice be “Don’t marry someone who you want to ditch?”

DAN TIP #22: “Don’t touch her only when you want sex.”

We say: I mean, what’s the point of touching then?

DAN TIP #23: “Don’t stop taking her on nice dates.”

We say: We agree with this one. Especially because you note the “bonus” of  “everyone on her Instagram and Facebook thinking you’re the damned coolest hubby on the planet.”  Looking cool on Facebook is the foundation of any good marriage. And using the word “hubby” is the super annoying landscaping or some shit.

DAN TIP #24: “Don’t give her guilt for needing to get away from you.”

We say:  We don’t know about this one, Dan. Now it seems like SHE is finding reasons to ditch YOU. In which case, you might want to refer her to your blog, #21.

DAN TIP #25: “Don’t drown her with your sarcasm.”

We say: No. Instead, waterboard the internet with your fake sincerity.

DAN TIP #26: “Don’t make her do the gross and scary things.”

We say: YES. Treat her like a child. Women love that.

DAN TIP #27: “Don’t think you’re smarter than she is.”

We say: You’re not. Don’t worry.

DAN TIP #28: “Move away from your family. And hers.”

We say: Absolutely. We tell you, there is NOTHING, NOTHING more important to keeping a marriage alive than completely isolating yourselves from your support system.

DAN TIP #29: “Don’t be a talk-hog.”

We say: Also, refrain from saying things like “talk-hog.”

DAN TIP #30: “Don’t demand that she tell you what she’s thinking.”

We say: Right. Just assume that you know what she’s thinking. It’s probably about her nails or shoes or something.

DAN TIP #31: “Don’t buy into your grandparents’ gender roles.”

We say: No, don’t buy into your grandparents’ gender roles. Except the one where all girls are afraid of scary gross bugs.

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Nov 15 2012
16 Comments
Counterpoints

16 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Forever

single dad laughing 16 ways

Dan Pearce, aka Single Dad Laughing, aka some divorced guy with a marker.

You may have seen this popular blog post from Single Dad Laughing called 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage. And it’s fine marriage advice from the twice-divorced Dan Pearce. In the post, he writes honestly about his own faults and things he should have done differently. His advice covers a lot of ground from “Don’t stop holding her hand” and “Don’t call names” to “Don’t poop with the bathroom door open.”  Now, we can get on board with Dan’s advice; we absolutely agree that no one should ever, EVER make it a habit to poop with the door open. We do not, I repeat, DO NOT, support public pooping.  You can quote us on that. (Please quote us on that.)

But all the good marriage advice in the world does not guarantee a lasting marriage. You can follow all the rules and take all of Dan’s advice, and still blow it. People seem to often forget, that the most important factor in a successful marriage, possibly even more important than shutting the door when you defecate, is the decision you make about WHO you’re marrying. If you make a bad decision, the advice is useless. Like this:

16 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Forever:

1. Be amazing.

2. Laugh at least 100 times a day.

3. Don’t only have cake on birthdays.

4. Be rich.

5. Have a perfect face.

6. Don’t be mean.

7. Make out passionately for 3 hours a day.

8. Don’t fight.

9. DO NOT stab each other.

10. Always be on vacation.

11. Never grow old.

12. Don’t blog about what you would do if you could just get another chance with your last wife.

13. Be the best at lovemaking.

14. Do not pee on the floor.

15. Do not pee in the sink.

16. Pretend like you’re not intellectually superior, even though you are.

Now, seriously. Some of this advice is good. And some of it isn’t bad. And some of it is just impossible. (Like, you can’t NEVER pee on the floor.) But even if it were possible to be attractive and amazing and always nice and always romantic, it JUST WOULDN’T MATTER if you married the wrong person.

marriage advice

A sign that your marriage is about to be blown.

We don’t know anything about Dan Pearce’s ex-wives. Well, we know that they both married a man who was comfortable pooping with the bathroom door open, so that’s something. But other than that, we don’t know anything. We don’t know if they were suited for marriage with him. We don’t know if they were really in love. We don’t know what happened. But we do know what happened in our own lives. We (Jessica and Jeanne) actually know a lot of stuff. And, collectively, we have also been divorced twice.  So, with our powers combined, we are definitely just as wise as Dan Pearce. And one of the things we know is that we blew it before we ever walked down the aisle. We made the wrong decision about who and when to marry. And all the flowers and kisses and compliments in the world would not have un-blown our marriages.

marriage advice

Jeanne blew it.

So everyone, let’s just agree that marriage is work. MARRIAGE IS WORK. Okay? We know. We agree. But sometimes, people make bad decisions. And all that work is not going to change that. Holding hands more often is not going to change that. If you married the wrong person, really, nothing is going to change that. But shut the bathroom door, either way.  That’s just common sense.

really good marriage advice

Dan Pearce, saver of marriages.

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Nov 09 2012
4 Comments
FAQs

FAQs (Brought to us by you)

As you well know, we love perusing the search terms that bring people to our site. It’s especially rewarding to know that someone looking for “rocks that look like things,” found Everyone Gets Divorced. But today, we want to answer some questions that keep popping up.

By far, one of the most frequently asked/googled questions is: “When do you tell someone you’re divorced?”

Q: When do you tell someone you’re divorced?

A: It really depends on who this someone is. If it’s your ex-husband or ex-wife, you might need to remind them of it from time to time. Like if they come to your house after a long day at work and sit down on your couch and ask what you want to do for dinner. That’s a good time to tell them that you’re divorced. AGAIN.

But you’re more likely wondering about the right time to tell someone new. Someone you’re dating. Or someone you’d like to be dating. The answer to this question is more complicated but it’s really not THAT complicated. Tell them soon. You don’t have to tell them on the first date, but, if it comes up, it comes up. Don’t act like it’s a big dark secret.  It’s not like you’re telling them that you’re a Scientologist. It’s not like you have to really win them over before you can reveal this terrible truth about yourself. Just mention it in that early ‘getting to know you’ stage. If this person is actually going to have a big problem with it, they’re still going to have a problem with it 4 months from now, too.  And if you’re dating someone with an extreme moral opposition to divorce, that probably going to be a problem no matter when you tell them. In short, tell them whenever you want but don’t preface it with, “I need to tell you something…”

Q: Can you get married if you haven’t been divorced because your ex says no to the divorce?

A: No. You cannot get married if you are already married. Bummer, right?

Q: Is it gross to eat peanut butter with a spoon?

A: What?! No! How else are you going to eat it? With a fork?

divorce humor

A perfectly acceptable instrument for eating peanut butter, assuming you have no available fingers.

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Nov 06 2012
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Lists

ELECTION DAY

Voter fraud.

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Oct 31 2012
3 Comments
Advice, Lists

Halloween Costume Tips

Well, it’s Halloween, the second best holiday after Flag Day.  We know that you might be tempted to re-purpose your old wedding gown into a costume. And sure, you could  fashion it into a very nice zombie bride (or “ex-wife”) costume. And we understand that temptation. Because it was probably very expensive and you feel like you should get to wear it again. And you probably think you’re very clever.

But, you might want to consider…not doing that. Halloween is a great time to meet people. New people. And while we’re sure it’s a very nice dress and a good conversation starter, if you go to a party and your costume results in you discussing your failed marriage, it is also a good conversation ender.

britney spears divorced

Pre-divorce Britney is more fun.

So instead of being that person, try one of these, and really COMMIT to the costume.

HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS THAT WILL NOT LEAD TO DISCUSSING YOUR FAILED MARRIAGE:
  • A nurse who is not bitter.
  • A sexy cat who does not have a court date next Monday.
  • A batman who is not paying child support.
  • A zombie who does not drink alone.
  • A flapper who did not waste the best years of her life.
  • A taco who did not get totally screwed by the lawyer.
  • A bumblebee.
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Oct 24 2012
6 Comments
Making Friends

Making Friends Post-Divorce

When you find yourself single again, part of the crippling loneliness you’ll experience is due to the fact that you have no friends. And even if you do have friends, you’re probably going to need more friends because you’re depressing and needy and you’re going to wear those friends out pretty quickly.

People always say things like, “‘I’m so lucky because I married my best friend,” as though it’s a GOOD thing. But here’s a tip for next time around –avoid marrying your best friend at all costs. It’s much better to have a best friend who cannot divorce you. When you’re going through a painful breakup, you’re going to want a best friend that can come over for dinner, and go to the movies, and listen to you cry, and bring you Sour Cream & Onion Pop Chips. And in all honesty, you might not have a best friend like that, because you were too busy being best friends with that person you married. You probably have a couple pretty good friends and some acquaintances, but it’s not enough. And no one is bringing you Pop Chips.

Now, unfortunately, you may have to be in charge of getting your own Pop Chips. And after you do that, it’s time to stop feeling sorry for your sad, sad self. You just have to get out there, and start making friends. IT IS HARD. Because you are an adult. And making friends as an adult is HARD. So here are some tips.

How To Make Friends, As An Adult:

  • Sign up for an improv comedy class. You will either make a couple of friends or, if nothing else, learn that you do not know how to pantomime mopping a floor. And that’s a valuable self realization.
  • Just go to law school. You probably don’t want to be a lawyer, but did you know that 90 percent of students enrolled in law school are only there because they don’t know how to make friends in a non-academic setting?
  • Learn to play tennis. If you can play tennis, there are always weirdos on Craiglist who are looking for random tennis partners. If you already know how to play tennis, you sound very cool and probably have lots of friends already.
  • Start taking one of those silly fitness classes. Like the one where you dance around and hump the air a lot. Zumba? I don’t know. I’ve never done it, but all I’m saying is I’ve seen those classes and I’m pretty sure that most of those people have no friends. So they’re in the same boat as you.

So to answer your question, “How do you make friends once you’re an adult and you’re not in school?” You don’t. You can only make friends if you are being instructed to do something. So get out there. Be taught. And make some friends who you do NOT end up marrying. For the love of God.

everyone gets divorced

Part of the healing process.

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Oct 18 2012
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Proposals

Romantic Ways to Propose

We know what you’re thinking. “Romantic ways to propose? But isn’t this a hilarious blog about divorce?”  It is, fair reader, it is. And today, we were going to write about “Unromantic Ways to Propose Divorce.” You know, like, instead of covering the bed in rose petals, you sprinkle burnt toast crumbs all over the sheets, and then, when your spouse complains about the bed full of crumbs, you say, “If you don’t like it, get out.  Also, I never loved you.  Let’s make it official!”
But, while doing research, we got distracted by this article on The Knot.  It’s “50 Romantic Ways to Propose.” So instead, we chose 5 of our favorite proposals for the criminally insane, and we’re going to share those with you today.  Because if you think about it, the first step to getting divorced is getting engaged.

divorce humor

If for some reason, your gal does not have an “everyday ring” that she keeps in a jewelry box, you should try and get her to start wearing an everyday ring. Take her everyday ring shopping. She will, of course, think you’re going to propose, and be horribly disappointed when you buy her a cheap “everyday” ring. Ironic, because you ARE going to propose, but not YET. Not until you can be sure that she’s not expecting you to pull the ol’ ring switcheroo in her jewelry box. But now, she starts thinking, well sure, I’ve got this nice everyday ring, but I’m 32 and I’m ready to start the next phase of this relationship. And people keep asking, “When are you going to get married?” And she keeps telling them, “I DON’T KNOW. AT THIS RATE, MAYBE NEVER.” And she starts being real moody. I mean, she’s acting like kind of a bitch, really. I’m sorry. I mean, you love her, but that’s the truth. And then you decide that maybe this isn’t the kind of woman you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with. And that’s how the everyday ring switcheroo proposal can sometimes go awry.

divorce humor

Now, if the divers say, “Proposal show? Is that a thing?” or, “We don’t really do that.  This is an aquarium, not a baseball stadium.”  Then you should probably scrap the whole engagement thing, because, really.  You’re a grown man and you can’t even bribe a diver into helping you with your aquarium proposal.

divorce humorNOTE: This plan requires extensive training in the art of pumpkin carving as well as a larger than average pumpkin.

terrible proposal ideas

NAILED IT.

everyone gets divorced

As you walk to the park on this warm, breezy afternoon, you’re going to want to conceal the underside of the kite, because you don’t want your lady to see the message until the time is right. You’re going to be acting pretty weird, because it’s awkward and you’re nervous that you’re going to ruin the surprise. She’s going to be suspicious.  She’ll probably accuse you of hiding something.  And you ARE cheating on her, after all, but does it really count as cheating if it’s more of an emotional affair? That’s a discussion for another less breezy day, though. When you finally launch the kite, she will be unable to read the message.divorce humorReally? The hooker movie? Okay.

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