You may have seen this popular blog post from Single Dad Laughing called 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage. And it’s fine marriage advice from the twice-divorced Dan Pearce. In the post, he writes honestly about his own faults and things he should have done differently. His advice covers a lot of ground from “Don’t stop holding her hand” and “Don’t call names” to “Don’t poop with the bathroom door open.” Now, we can get on board with Dan’s advice; we absolutely agree that no one should ever, EVER make it a habit to poop with the door open. We do not, I repeat, DO NOT, support public pooping. You can quote us on that. (Please quote us on that.)
But all the good marriage advice in the world does not guarantee a lasting marriage. You can follow all the rules and take all of Dan’s advice, and still blow it. People seem to often forget, that the most important factor in a successful marriage, possibly even more important than shutting the door when you defecate, is the decision you make about WHO you’re marrying. If you make a bad decision, the advice is useless. Like this:
16 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Forever:
1. Be amazing.
2. Laugh at least 100 times a day.
3. Don’t only have cake on birthdays.
4. Be rich.
5. Have a perfect face.
6. Don’t be mean.
7. Make out passionately for 3 hours a day.
8. Don’t fight.
9. DO NOT stab each other.
10. Always be on vacation.
11. Never grow old.
12. Don’t blog about what you would do if you could just get another chance with your last wife.
13. Be the best at lovemaking.
14. Do not pee on the floor.
15. Do not pee in the sink.
16. Pretend like you’re not intellectually superior, even though you are.
Now, seriously. Some of this advice is good. And some of it isn’t bad. And some of it is just impossible. (Like, you can’t NEVER pee on the floor.) But even if it were possible to be attractive and amazing and always nice and always romantic, it JUST WOULDN’T MATTER if you married the wrong person.
We don’t know anything about Dan Pearce’s ex-wives. Well, we know that they both married a man who was comfortable pooping with the bathroom door open, so that’s something. But other than that, we don’t know anything. We don’t know if they were suited for marriage with him. We don’t know if they were really in love. We don’t know what happened. But we do know what happened in our own lives. We (Jessica and Jeanne) actually know a lot of stuff. And, collectively, we have also been divorced twice. So, with our powers combined, we are definitely just as wise as Dan Pearce. And one of the things we know is that we blew it before we ever walked down the aisle. We made the wrong decision about who and when to marry. And all the flowers and kisses and compliments in the world would not have un-blown our marriages.
So everyone, let’s just agree that marriage is work. MARRIAGE IS WORK. Okay? We know. We agree. But sometimes, people make bad decisions. And all that work is not going to change that. Holding hands more often is not going to change that. If you married the wrong person, really, nothing is going to change that. But shut the bathroom door, either way. That’s just common sense.
I agree! Never poop with the door open. And if you marry the wrong person, especially if he turns out to be mentally unstable, like his Ashley Madison account, and collect small wrestling dolls, hand-holding will not change that. Luckily, that is why there is divorce.
Hear hear! And you’re absolutely right. Small wrestling dolls is one of the leading causes of divorce. Little known fact.
Choose the right person?
Huh, never thought of that. I’ll be much more picky this time around.
And I never poop in public.
Good. We never poop anywhere. Ever.
Well it’s a known fact that women don’t poop, fart or belch.
lol at ‘have a perfect face’ 🙂
Don’t forget the second part: http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/the-other-16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html
Also, public pooping. He mentioned his wife did it as well. I mean, if they’re comfortable with it, that’s fine. I had a friend who often farted in front of her boyfriend, he did the same. She loved the fact that they were both fine with it.
Outside of that, I think that it may not just be a problem that happens BEFORE marriage but also during marriage where people just diverge in beliefs, or simply change. People get together because of shared interests and many other reasons. This stuff CAN make a difference. What if you and your husband are workaholics, love watching movies together, have the same ideas about parenting and kids as well as a similar definition of love and then….one of you changes or you both change. You may be interested in polyamory, he may want to read books alone in the bedroom instead of watching movies, he may want to start working sporadic schedules as a contractor, and you may want to hold off on kids until you’re in your fourties while he wants them right now. It doesn’t mean that ten years ago, you married the wrong person. It just means that you’re not exactly right for each other now.
Want some cheese with your whine? You ladies just seem like haters honestly. Bitter haters. Even if you marry the right person, a marriage can still fail. His whole point is to not stop making the effort. About a year ago my relationship almost came to an end, we talked and laid out what we were missing from the other (one of those things was affection eg holding hands and kissing). Funny how the little things can turn into a big thing. After that we tried harder. I got better about cleaning up my messes and he was more affectionate and less distant. Now there isn’t a thing I would change about my relationship.
You’re right Chels. We are haters. We really kind of hate Dan Pearce. He’s smarmy and condescending and really full of himself. But we’re not bitter. I don’t know where you got that. What are we bitter about? But anyway, it’s true. If you want your marriage to work, you should never stop trying. I think you missed our point. And that is that sometimes, people DO marry the wrong person. And all of that trying is not necessarily going to fix it. Little things certainly do turn into bigger things. We know. But we also think that sometimes, the fact that you have stopped being affectionate is not the “problem” but rather a symptom of a bigger problem and that the bigger problem is that you’re not with the right person. But we’re glad trying harder worked for you. Now your marriage will last forever. (Cheese with your wine?? HA! You are a hoot!)
Chels-that’s awesome that working on the little things helped your relationship, but I think you’re missing the bigger point here, which is all the fixes in the world won’t (and shouldn’t) save a bad match.
My ex-husband and I spent nearly the entirety of our four year marriage fixing problems. By the end we were excellent at handling any conflict in the best, most mature way. We communicated well, we were sensitive to each other’s feelings and quirks, and it was fine. And that was the problem. At our best, we were just fine. Not happy; fine. And that’s the point.
We both have become much happier since the divorce, since even deciding to divorce.
MW, yes. YES. You got it. It’s always nice when someone gets the point. Thank you for that.
I’m undefeated arm wrestling women for my lifetime.
Let’s get married.
I am cracking up at this and your response to his other “15 ways…” type post. Well done!
Ladies, this article is on point (and hilarious, added bonus). Well done!
So glad that in recently coming upon/stalking your blog I found this post. It’s spot on for me because my ex wasn’t a bad guy necessarily (nor I a bad gal/wife) but we were just not right for reach other/in love/a good match. Everyone seems to think that when you get divorced it’s simply because you didn’t try hard enough and frankly, that’s bullshit. Thanks for putting into words what I couldn’t. And making me laugh, which is clearly more important.