You may have seen this popular blog post from Single Dad Laughing called 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage. And it’s fine marriage advice from the twice-divorced Dan Pearce. In the post, he writes honestly about his own faults and things he should have done differently. His advice covers a lot of ground from “Don’t stop holding her hand” and “Don’t call names” to “Don’t poop with the bathroom door open.” Now, we can get on board with Dan’s advice; we absolutely agree that no one should ever, EVER make it a habit to poop with the door open. We do not, I repeat, DO NOT, support public pooping. You can quote us on that. (Please quote us on that.)
But all the good marriage advice in the world does not guarantee a lasting marriage. You can follow all the rules and take all of Dan’s advice, and still blow it. People seem to often forget, that the most important factor in a successful marriage, possibly even more important than shutting the door when you defecate, is the decision you make about WHO you’re marrying. If you make a bad decision, the advice is useless. Like this:
16 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Forever:
1. Be amazing.
2. Laugh at least 100 times a day.
3. Don’t only have cake on birthdays.
4. Be rich.
5. Have a perfect face.
6. Don’t be mean.
7. Make out passionately for 3 hours a day.
8. Don’t fight.
9. DO NOT stab each other.
10. Always be on vacation.
11. Never grow old.
12. Don’t blog about what you would do if you could just get another chance with your last wife.
13. Be the best at lovemaking.
14. Do not pee on the floor.
15. Do not pee in the sink.
16. Pretend like you’re not intellectually superior, even though you are.
Now, seriously. Some of this advice is good. And some of it isn’t bad. And some of it is just impossible. (Like, you can’t NEVER pee on the floor.) But even if it were possible to be attractive and amazing and always nice and always romantic, it JUST WOULDN’T MATTER if you married the wrong person.
We don’t know anything about Dan Pearce’s ex-wives. Well, we know that they both married a man who was comfortable pooping with the bathroom door open, so that’s something. But other than that, we don’t know anything. We don’t know if they were suited for marriage with him. We don’t know if they were really in love. We don’t know what happened. But we do know what happened in our own lives. We (Jessica and Jeanne) actually know a lot of stuff. And, collectively, we have also been divorced twice. So, with our powers combined, we are definitely just as wise as Dan Pearce. And one of the things we know is that we blew it before we ever walked down the aisle. We made the wrong decision about who and when to marry. And all the flowers and kisses and compliments in the world would not have un-blown our marriages.
So everyone, let’s just agree that marriage is work. MARRIAGE IS WORK. Okay? We know. We agree. But sometimes, people make bad decisions. And all that work is not going to change that. Holding hands more often is not going to change that. If you married the wrong person, really, nothing is going to change that. But shut the bathroom door, either way. That’s just common sense.