Author Archives: jeanne

Mar 05 2013
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Art, Coping

Art Therapy

Sometimes when a kid has parents who are going through a divorce, the adults in his life decide that he might benefit from art therapy. What is art therapy, you ask?  By one definition, it is: the therapeutic use of art making, within a professional relationship, by people who experience illness, trauma or challenges in living, and by people who seek personal development. Through creating art and reflecting on the art products and processes, people can increase awareness of self and others cope with symptoms, stress and traumatic experiences; enhance cognitive abilities; and enjoy the life-affirming pleasures of making art.

Using our own definition it is: the third most fun type of therapy for children after candy-eating therapy and playing video games therapy. We know, we know. You probably think this is dumb. But that’s only because every art teacher you ever had in school was a stupid jerk. Just like the librarians. But if you really think about it, maybe there are benefits to a kid getting out some feelings by putting crayon to paper. This got us thinking: if kids can do it, why can’t we? As adults, we are much better at drawing than stupid kids are! So we decided to try some art therapy ourselves.

Jeanne’s Art

What I'd like to say about my art: I wanted to draw an angry bear, so I did. I wasn't really sure why. In the end, I think the bear represents me. There's also a bird. The bird is just a bird, though.

What I’d like to say about my art: I wanted to draw an angry bear, so I did. I wasn’t really sure why. In the end, I think the bear represents me. There’s also a bird. The bird is just a bird, though.

Jessica’s Art

What I'd like to say about my art: My ex husband was actually much taller than me, and he never wore hats.

What I’d like to say about my art: My ex-husband was actually much taller than me, and he never wore hats.

The Verdict: We don’t feel any different at all. But we did completely waste three minutes of our lives.

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Feb 20 2013
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Advice

Tips: How to Spice Down Your Marriage

We all know the tricks for spicing up your love life. But what if you’re not in love? How do you spice it DOWN? How do you kill those last pesky shreds of romance in your marriage?

HOW TO SPICE DOWN YOUR MARRIAGE:

1. Surprise your spouse with a phone call at work. Whisper, “Thanks for leaving that bowl from dinner in the living room. It was a fun challenge trying to scrape off the caked on chili.”

2. Try new things. Like storming out of a NEW restaurant before the entrees even come.

3. Practice the long lost art of flirting. With an attractive coworker.

4. Leave little notes around the house. Things like, “Can you try and remember to rinse out your bowl for a change?”

5. Stray from your normal routine. Instead of going home after work, spend some time with an attractive coworker.

6. Make time to talk. Talk about how you really don’t want to have “date nights” anymore. Or at least not with each other.

7. Invest in some new lingerie. The kind that comes in a plastic 6-pack.

uglyunderwear

 

 

 

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Feb 14 2013
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Greeting Cards, Holidays

Valentine’s Day Cards

For the Still-Married Couple

tonightdrunkcard

For a Very Special Mistress

wontseeyou

For Your Darling Ex-Husband

manilove

For Your Dear Ex-Wife

exwifegrowoldcard

For the Happy Couples in Your Life

shutupcard

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Feb 06 2013
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Arguing, Things You Say

Immature Responses to Hurtful Statements

When you’re going through the process of splitting up, you’re going to hear some hurtful things. Because the truth hurts. If you’re a woman, your natural inclination will be to cry. And if you’re a man, well, we don’t know. You’ll probably want to lift weights or punch a wall or barbeque something.

But isn’t the more satisfying thing to just be equally hurtful and more immature? Now, you may never get the chance to actually SAY any of these things, and we’re not really trying to encourage you to be immature, but it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?

Some Hurtful Statements and Immature Responses

THEY SAY: “I just don’t know what I want.”

YOU SAY: “DO YOU WANT A KICK IN THE CROTCH PARTS?”

THEY SAY: “I’m not attracted to you anymore.”

YOU SAY: “I find all of your friends significantly more attractive than I find you.”

THEY SAY: “Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life.”

YOU SAY: “Your haircut is the biggest mistake of your life.”

THEY SAY: “You’re just not the man/woman I fell in love with.”

YOU SAY: “I don’t even know if you’re the woman/man I fell in love with because I was very drunk for that entire first year.”

THEY SAY: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

YOU SAY: “I lied when I said your voice doesn’t sound weird on tape. Your voice sounds VERY weird on tape.”

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Feb 01 2013
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Advice

Tough Love: February Edition

As you know by now, February is the most popular month for divorcing. So what are you waiting for? Oh, that’s right, you have a bunch of lame EXCUSES. Well, guess what – we don’t accept your excuses. Watch how we use our tough love magic to turn your excuses into a pile of garbage.

“I’m scared.”

Scared? What are you, some stupid baby? Everything in life is scary because it ends with you dying. You know what’s scarier than getting divorced? HOUSE CENTIPEDES? But you know what is less scary than house centipedes but more scary than getting divorced??Being miserable YOUR ENTIRE LIFE and then dying STILL MISERABLE.

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

Oh. Right. Because you’re SUCH a prize. How selfless of you to worry about HURTING her. That’s probably why you stay up late every night so you can Facebook chat with that girl you dated for 4 months in college. How NICE of you to let her stay in this pain-free sham of a marriage.

“I want to wait until the kids are 18.”

GOOD IDEA. They’ll definitely turn out perfect this way.  And everyone knows that everything that happens after you turn 18 has no impact on the rest of your life. Good thinking.

“Maybe things will get better.”

They won’t.

“But it’s almost Valentine’s Day.”

NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME. Christmas is over and Flag Day is still months away. THERE IS NO BETTER TIME THAN RIGHT NOW. Forget about Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is the worst holiday in the world, even if you’re HAPPY. But when you aren’t happy and you have to pretend that you are, it’s even more horrible. Save yourself the trouble of buying one of those stupid little gifts that they sell by the checkout at Barnes and Noble. A heart-shaped miniature zen garden was not going to save your marriage.

“But I work for her father.”

That is so so stupid. Don’t you have your OWN father to work for? You can get another job. Actually, you probably can’t. But you’d be surprised how much more appealing living in a box on the side of the road is to living at home with someone you kind of hate.

“My in-laws will hate me.”

Of COURSE they will. But if it makes you feel better, they probably already hate you.

“We have too many mutual friends.”

Just let them go. You really only need one friend. Surely you can snag ONE FRIEND from the bunch. Or maybe you can’t. In which case, don’t you have any COUSINS? Sheesh.

Screen Shot 2013-02-01 at 11.10.51 AM

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Jan 28 2013
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Lists

Why Do People Cheat?

Why People Cheat

1. Low self-esteem.

2. Just to prove that they can.

3. Because they play those video games where people cheat.

4. Facebook.

5. Because they don’t feel attractive.

6. Because they feel so attractive they just want to share it with the world.

7. Because humans aren’t meant to be monogamous.

8. Because there was a Groupon for cheating.

9. So they could drive in the carpool lane.

10. Because they are a pumpkin eater.

These people are really bad at cheating.

These people are really bad at cheating.

 

 

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Jan 11 2013
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Pep talks

Bad Guys Ask For Divorces

Well, it’s January, and that means divorce season is upon us! January is one of the most popular months to initiate a divorce. Why, you ask? Because the holidays are over, and you’re off the hook. It’s hard to pull the trigger when you’re getting ready to light the menorah or open presents under the tree. And no one wants to put a damper on the druid winter solstice festival!

By the way, if you’re one of those people who has decided to end your marriage, and you made it though the entire holiday season pretending that everything is FINE, we would like to congratulate you. That’s like finishing a marathon and you deserve a Snickers bar.

And now you’re almost ready to make your move. But you’re nervous – how do you ask for a divorce without looking like the bad guy? To put it bluntly: you don’t. No matter WHAT you do, if you ask for a divorce, a certain number of people will think you’re an asshole. And maybe you’ve behaved in a way to make people think that correctly. But even if you haven’t, it doesn’t matter. What we’re saying is, even if you DIDN’T have a mistress/mister, you should have, because people will assume that you did. Your image is going to be tarnished either way. You’re just going to have to live with that.

Now, you can try a do-gooder counterattack. Volunteer at a hospital. Take puppies to visit veterans. Get involved in lots of very public, very undeniably good-guy causes, preferably involving kittens. Of course, it might not stop people from thinking you’re a jerk. Especially if you did something really jerky. For instance, if you told your wife she’s too fat for you and then left her on her birthday for a 19-year-old “dancer,” you’re probably going to have to move to the third world and take care of orphan babies for the rest of your life. And guess what? Most people will still think you’re a monster.

So the point is, if you’re a good person, you’re still a good person. Try not to let what other people think get you down. And if you’re a terrible person, you probably don’t care what people think. Lucky you!

They see right through you.

They see right through you.

 

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Dec 31 2012
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Celebrity Divorce, Lists

Celebrity Splits 2012: A Year in Review

Well, it’s the end of the year, AGAIN. And as we ring in 2013, we sit and reflect on the biggest and most shocking celebrity splits of 2012.

1) “Most shocking” – Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman

They split this year after 30 years of marriage (which, if you do the math, is actually 5,432 in “celebrity marriage” years.) But really, no celebrity split is SHOCKING. We only give it that label because we’re surprised one or both of them thought they could do better. We heard a rumor that Rhea left Danny because of his “womanizing ways.” Now just look at the picture below and try to wrap your mind around that.

Kim Kardashian baby

Womanizer

2) ” Most ….whatever.” – Heidi Klum and Seal

So Heidi Klum is a beautiful super model and Seal (although he admittedly has a lovely singing voice) is not a super model. It was only a matter of time before Heidi started up with her bodyguard. We also heard that Seal is kind of bossy and crazy.

Kim Kardashian baby

Sexy.

3) “Most…erm…Lasted Longer Than We Thought It Would” – Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Katie used to be cute on Dawson’s Creek. And then the only celebrity shorter than Danny Devito married her, put a baby in her, and used a magic Scientology machine to suck out all of her emotions. The thing we found most interesting about this split is that people seemed truly surprised by it. We hate to use our own motto (just kidding. we love to), but everyone gets divorced. So no one’s divorce should REALLY surprise you. But especially not one between Tom Cruise and anybody.

Kim Kardashian baby

I don’t even know what to say.

4) “Least Original” – Katy Perry and Russell Brand

This was really the most typical celebrity marriage of them all. A sex addict?? A pop star?? Will he cheat?? Will she keep wearing outrageous wigs and fashions?? They’re both so wacky! Will they really be able to make it work?? The answer is no. Of course not. Of COURSE not. Boring.

Kim Kardashian pregnant

Even they’re bored by their zaniness.

PREDICTIONS FOR 2013

We might not have told you this before, but we are like a two-headed Nostradamus when it comes to predicting celebrity splits. Here are our top four predictions for 2013:

1) Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith: This marriage has allegedly been floundering for awhile. They both regularly deny that they are getting divorced, but we know better. There was a rumor that Jada had an affair with Jennifer Lopez’s ex, Marc Anthony. And if you are stooping to the level of having an affair with Marc Anthony, things must be bad. Like, Marc Anthony bad.

2) Anne Hathaway and Adam Shulman: We know, we know. You have no idea who her husband is. That’s ok, no one does. We put them on the list largely because Jessica finds Anne Hathaway extremely annoying, and she thinks she looks kind of like a meerkat. But also because we are well aware that Anne Hathaway’s LAST boyfriend was a real estate scam artist who is currently serving time in prison. So… we question her judgment.

3) Kanye West and Kim Kardashian: They’re not married yet, but we already know it’s not going to last. Kim Kardashian is incapable of being with any one person for too long because her mom doesn’t want her to. In order to stay relevant, she has to constantly be seen with new famous people. We expect Kim to date 5 to 6 new people in 2013, until she runs out of dudes with names that start with K. At which point, the world will end.

EDIT: We just found out Kim is pregnant with Kanye’s baby. First of all, who cares. But more importantly, they’re still breaking up. Sorry. P.S. THIS WILL BE THE SHORTEST BABY IN THE WORLD.

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Dec 19 2012
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Holidays

Surviving (your family during) The Holidays

If you have recently gone through a break-up or divorce, the holidays can be even more stressful than they normally are. Sure, you now have fewer presents to buy, which is WONDERFUL. But the major downside is you’ll likely have to attend many family gatherings where you will have to deal with forced sympathy and questions you don’t want to answer. Literally everyone you know will ask you how you’re feeling  and say things that seem to insinuate that your wife leaving you for the UPS man was all part of God’s plan. Here are some suggestions–consider them a holiday present from EGD to YOU—for what to do at family holiday gatherings to take the focus off of you.

 1.) Brush Up On Your Lying:
 One way to avoid the sympathy of others is to pretend your life has suddenly become fabulous. Now is not the time for truth. Talk about all of the vacations you’ve been going on. Talk about how you somehow managed to get a raise at work but were given less work to do. Tell stories about the sexy male models you are dating. When people inquire about WHERE your sexy male model boyfriend is, look at them as if they are pathetic and say: “He’s on a SHOOT. You wouldn’t understand.” If someone asks about your ex, your response should be swift and the kind of response that makes it seem like you might have actually gone crazy: “Who?”
2.) Make Everyone Else Feel Uncomfortable:
You know how uncomfortable you feel when your second cousin asks you, “What happened to Nick? Is Nick coming? Wait, did you BREAK UP!?” It’s time to turn the tables. Approach every young unmarried, un-engaged man in your family who is with his girlfriend and ask him (preferably in front of her) “So, when are you TYING THE KNOT?! You do PLAN to get ENGAGED, don’t you?” Go up to every woman in your family of child bearing age and ask her if she’s pregnant. When she says no, INSIST that she must be wrong. Is your sister there with her new boyfriend? Great. Get into a long conversation with him. But call him by her former boyfriend’s name.
3.) Just Never Stop Eating:
 This is our favorite strategy. You can’t answer questions with a mouthful of cookies. Problem solved.
Plan B.

PLAN B.

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Dec 11 2012
4 Comments
Holidays

You’ve Had a Bad Year: 3 Tips for Writing a Christmas Letter

You probably don’t write a Christmas letter. But we know you weirdos  very regular people are out there. And sometimes, when you look back on your life since last Christmas, it’s not all job promotions and weddings and fun vacations. Sometimes, the year is better summarized by crying and therapy and splitting up flatware. What we’re trying to say is that if you got divorced this year, your letter is going to suffer. That’s why we want to give you a few tips for writing a Christmas letter.

1.  Avoid being too honest. That makes people uncomfortable.  You got divorced this year? Fine. You can say that.  But you should avoid using phrases like, “…and just when I thought 2012 couldn’t get any worse…” or “working through the betrayal.”  Then again, you don’t have to mention your divorce at all. Consider just phasing your spouse out of the letter. People will probably get the idea after a few years.

2. Don’t go overboard trying to convince people that you’re FINE. Actually, BETTER THAN FINE. BEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, REALLY.  We see what you’re doing.   If you want your ex to find out that you hiked Machu Picchu and you’re dating a model, do it the old-fashioned way and make an album on Facebook and change the privacy to “public.”

3. Don’t write a Christmas letter. Just send a card with a picture of you and your model boyfriend/girlfriend at Machu Picchu.

surviving the holidays after divorce

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