When you’re going through the process of splitting up, you’re going to hear some hurtful things. Because the truth hurts. If you’re a woman, your natural inclination will be to cry. And if you’re a man, well, we don’t know. You’ll probably want to lift weights or punch a wall or barbeque something.
But isn’t the more satisfying thing to just be equally hurtful and more immature? Now, you may never get the chance to actually SAY any of these things, and we’re not really trying to encourage you to be immature, but it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?
Some Hurtful Statements and Immature Responses
THEY SAY: “I just don’t know what I want.”
YOU SAY: “DO YOU WANT A KICK IN THE CROTCH PARTS?”
THEY SAY: “I’m not attracted to you anymore.”
YOU SAY: “I find all of your friends significantly more attractive than I find you.”
THEY SAY: “Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life.”
YOU SAY: “Your haircut is the biggest mistake of your life.”
THEY SAY: “You’re just not the man/woman I fell in love with.”
YOU SAY: “I don’t even know if you’re the woman/man I fell in love with because I was very drunk for that entire first year.”
THEY SAY: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
YOU SAY: “I lied when I said your voice doesn’t sound weird on tape. Your voice sounds VERY weird on tape.”
Everyone Gets Divorced 