If you have recently gone through a break-up or divorce, the holidays can be even more stressful than they normally are. Sure, you now have fewer presents to buy, which is WONDERFUL. But the major downside is you’ll likely have to attend many family gatherings where you will have to deal with forced sympathy and questions you don’t want to answer. Literally everyone you know will ask you how you’re feeling and say things that seem to insinuate that your wife leaving you for the UPS man was all part of God’s plan. Here are some suggestions–consider them a holiday present from EGD to YOU—for what to do at family holiday gatherings to take the focus off of you.
1.) Brush Up On Your Lying:
One way to avoid the sympathy of others is to pretend your life has suddenly become fabulous. Now is not the time for truth. Talk about all of the vacations you’ve been going on. Talk about how you somehow managed to get a raise at work but were given less work to do. Tell stories about the sexy male models you are dating. When people inquire about WHERE your sexy male model boyfriend is, look at them as if they are pathetic and say: “He’s on a SHOOT. You wouldn’t understand.” If someone asks about your ex, your response should be swift and the kind of response that makes it seem like you might have actually gone crazy: “Who?”
2.) Make Everyone Else Feel Uncomfortable:
You know how uncomfortable you feel when your second cousin asks you, “What happened to Nick? Is Nick coming? Wait, did you BREAK UP!?” It’s time to turn the tables. Approach every young unmarried, un-engaged man in your family who is with his girlfriend and ask him (preferably in front of her) “So, when are you TYING THE KNOT?! You do PLAN to get ENGAGED, don’t you?” Go up to every woman in your family of child bearing age and ask her if she’s pregnant. When she says no, INSIST that she must be wrong. Is your sister there with her new boyfriend? Great. Get into a long conversation with him. But call him by her former boyfriend’s name.
3.) Just Never Stop Eating:
This is our favorite strategy. You can’t answer questions with a mouthful of cookies. Problem solved.
PLAN B.
Everyone Gets Divorced 