Everyone Gets Divorced

You know, when people talk about divorce, they always focus on the negatives. It’s painful! It’s expensive! It’s stressful! I lost my house! No one will ever love me again! Well, sure. It can be all of those things. But what say we look on the bright side?

DIVORCE PERK: You’re going to get in better shape.

You know what’s the worst? Exercise. It’s horrible. And anyone who claims to enjoy it should not be trusted. Every single time I go to the gym, I seriously consider doing 3 things:

1. Sitting in the locker room for 40 minutes instead.

2. Sitting in my car for 40 minutes and plucking my eyebrows instead.

3. Just going to Buffalo Wild Wings for mozzarella cheese sticks instead.

But I DON’T.  (Usually.) Because getting divorced is the BEST motivation in the world to exercise. You almost certainly let yourself go sometime in the first 3 months to 15 years of marriage. Both of you did. It was probably all those mozzarella cheese sticks you were eating. But now you have 2 reasons to change that:

1. You’re single again.

2. Revenge.

Now that you’re single again, you might be thinking about possibly dating again, at some point in the future. But before you do that, you want to trick the world into thinking you’re attractive again.

But more importantly, you will exercise for revenge. It doesn’t matter who left who or why. It doesn’t matter if you ever plan on seeing them again. It will happen. And when it does, you’re going to want your abs to do the talking. You will want your glutes to say, “Hey, I’m doing fine! Better than ever.” You will want your triceps to say, “My life without you is very fulfilling.” You will want your glutes to say, “I’m incredibly happy and I never eat lunch alone at Buffalo Wild Wings.” Also, exercise improves your mood and it’s good for your heart and whatever. But that’s not why you’re going to get in shape. You’re going to get in shape mainly for revenge.

Horrible torture machine.