Monthly Archives: June 2012

Holidays: Tips For Coping

In your post-divorce life, holidays can be rough. Here are some tips for coping with the holiday blues.

HALLOWEEN:

Eat a lot of chocolate.

THANKSGIVING:

Try giving thanks because you have a second chance at happiness. And if that doesn’t work, eat a lot of mashed potatoes.

CHRISTMAS/HANUKKAH:

Start some new traditions. Like eating mashed potatoes.

NEW YEAR’S EVE:

Eat some mashed potatoes?

VALENTINE’S DAY:

Eat the free samples of chocolate-dipped strawberries they’re giving out at the grocery store, because, come on, you’re not made of money.

EASTER:

Eat SO MUCH chocolate followed by a sensible portion of mashed potatoes.

FLAG DAY:

Enjoy flags like you always have.

All you need is flag.

 

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Things That Went Wrong At Your First Wedding: A List

Things That Went Wrong At Your First Wedding:

1. Ran out of the best hor d’oeuvres too early.

2. Married some dummy.

Decoding Your Spouse

You should know when things aren’t going well in your marriage. But sometimes it’s hard to face it. And people don’t always say what they mean. That’s why we’ve created this handy decoder. Use it. Trust it.

When they say: “I think we should take a break.”

They mean: “I want a divorce.”

When they say: “I don’t think we should buy that house.”

They mean: “I want a divorce.”

When they say: “I’m just not sure what I want in life.”

They mean: “I want a divorce.”

When they say: “Our son really doesn’t look anything like me.”

They mean: “I want a divorce.”

When they say: “You don’t like spaghetti???”

They mean: “I want a divorce.”

When they say: “I feel like you aren’t happy anymore.”

They mean: “I’m not happy anymore. And I want a divorce.”

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Divorce Is Not an Option for Lady Gaga

divorce is not an option

If a celebrity doesn’t make this declaration at least once a decade, they will actually wither and die.

As we all know, celebrities are amongst the wisest people on the planet.   Lady Gaga is, quite possibly, the wisest of them all. That explains how she knows that divorce is not an option for her. Even though she’s not married. Read about it here.

We were so inspired by her beautiful, wonderful logic that we decided to capture it in comic strip form.

lady gaga divorce

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5 People Who Are Going to be Pumped Up to Hear About Your Divorce: A List

1. That guy you dated briefly in high school.

2. That guy you dated briefly in college.

3. That guy you used to work with.

4. That guy who didn’t ask you out because you were wearing an engagement ring.

5. Your mom.

Recipe: Strawberry Rhubarb Crumble

Here’s a great summertime recipe, perfect for anyone going through a rough patch in their life. Not only is it delicious, but it’s loaded with depression fighting agents!

Topping:

3/4 Cup flour (optional)

1/2 Cup rolled oats (optional)

1/3 Cup  packed light brown sugar (optional)

1/2 tsp salt (optional)

1/4 Cup butter, melted (optional)

Filling:

1 LB rhubarb, trimmed, cut into 1/2 inch pieces (optional)

1/2 LB strawberries, cut into quarters (optional)

2 TBSP flour (optional)

1/4 Cup port wine

1/3 Cup cane sugar (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. If you are opting to make the filling, in a large bowl, toss rhubarb, strawberries, flour, port wine, and sugar. Transfer this mixture to a greased, deep pie dish.

2. In order to ensure that the crumble does not get to have all the fun, pour 1/2 cup of the remaining port wine into a juice glass, or any vessel that you have handy. Drink it up. Quickly now!

3. If you feel like making the crumble topping, combine flour, oats, brown sugar, salt, and butter in a small bowl. Use a fork to mix and stir until crumbly or whatever.

4. Sit on your couch. Refill glass of port wine as needed. Contemplate whether you’ll be alone forever. Text a friend and ask them “Do you think I’m just meant to be alone forever?”

5. Sprinkle the crumble topping evenly over the fruit mixture.  Bake at 375 degrees for 35 to 40 minutes. The topping should be golden and you should be half drunk. Cool before serving.

Looks delicious.

Note: Ingredients are optional, only if your goal is to get drunk without producing any kind of crumble.
Note:  If that is the case, any wine, beer, hard liquor, or cough medicine can be substituted for port wine.

 

 

Thank You Cards

It’s never too late to send out thank you cards.   Now that you know your wedding was a terrible mistake, all that love and support from your friends and family becomes all the more touching.  It doesn’t matter how many years it’s been.  It’s never to late to tell them “thank you.”

everyone gets divorced

everyone gets divorced

everyone gets divorced

everyone gets divorced

More FAQs

Q: Why do you hate men so much?

A: We don’t.

Q: Why are you always bashing men?

A: We aren’t.

Q: Why do you act like only men can cheat or do bad things?

A: We don’t.

Q: Do you want pizza?

A: Yes.

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Divorce Haikus

When you’re going through a divorce, or any breakup, you’re probably going to have a lot of feelings. You could write in a journal. And we’ve already talked about the healing properties of divorce art. But it’s much easier and sillier to write a haiku. It’s like poetry for the supremely lazy person!

Here are some examples to get you started.

Ex-husband’s new wife:
Might be younger and thinner
But God, is she dumb.

Dear Alimony,
Why are you called that? Should be
All-of-his-money

We had our good days
For example, this one time…
On second thought, no

True, I said “I do”
And lots of people heard me.
Guess what? I don’t care.

You are so lucky
I was ever seen with you
Ludicrous haircut

You were so boring
So boring boring boring
Yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn

Try writing some of your own if you have 30 seconds to spare. It’s fun!

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Divorce Congratulations

Here are some cards that your divorcing friends would like to receive. Stop telling them you’re sorry, and offer them your sincere divorce congratulations.

divorce humor

divorce humor

divorce humor

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