Monthly Archives: February 2013

Feb 20 2013
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Advice

Tips: How to Spice Down Your Marriage

We all know the tricks for spicing up your love life. But what if you’re not in love? How do you spice it DOWN? How do you kill those last pesky shreds of romance in your marriage?

HOW TO SPICE DOWN YOUR MARRIAGE:

1. Surprise your spouse with a phone call at work. Whisper, “Thanks for leaving that bowl from dinner in the living room. It was a fun challenge trying to scrape off the caked on chili.”

2. Try new things. Like storming out of a NEW restaurant before the entrees even come.

3. Practice the long lost art of flirting. With an attractive coworker.

4. Leave little notes around the house. Things like, “Can you try and remember to rinse out your bowl for a change?”

5. Stray from your normal routine. Instead of going home after work, spend some time with an attractive coworker.

6. Make time to talk. Talk about how you really don’t want to have “date nights” anymore. Or at least not with each other.

7. Invest in some new lingerie. The kind that comes in a plastic 6-pack.

uglyunderwear

 

 

 

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Feb 14 2013
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Greeting Cards, Holidays

Valentine’s Day Cards

For the Still-Married Couple

tonightdrunkcard

For a Very Special Mistress

wontseeyou

For Your Darling Ex-Husband

manilove

For Your Dear Ex-Wife

exwifegrowoldcard

For the Happy Couples in Your Life

shutupcard

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Feb 06 2013
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Arguing, Things You Say

Immature Responses to Hurtful Statements

When you’re going through the process of splitting up, you’re going to hear some hurtful things. Because the truth hurts. If you’re a woman, your natural inclination will be to cry. And if you’re a man, well, we don’t know. You’ll probably want to lift weights or punch a wall or barbeque something.

But isn’t the more satisfying thing to just be equally hurtful and more immature? Now, you may never get the chance to actually SAY any of these things, and we’re not really trying to encourage you to be immature, but it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?

Some Hurtful Statements and Immature Responses

THEY SAY: “I just don’t know what I want.”

YOU SAY: “DO YOU WANT A KICK IN THE CROTCH PARTS?”

THEY SAY: “I’m not attracted to you anymore.”

YOU SAY: “I find all of your friends significantly more attractive than I find you.”

THEY SAY: “Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life.”

YOU SAY: “Your haircut is the biggest mistake of your life.”

THEY SAY: “You’re just not the man/woman I fell in love with.”

YOU SAY: “I don’t even know if you’re the woman/man I fell in love with because I was very drunk for that entire first year.”

THEY SAY: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

YOU SAY: “I lied when I said your voice doesn’t sound weird on tape. Your voice sounds VERY weird on tape.”

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Feb 01 2013
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Advice

Tough Love: February Edition

As you know by now, February is the most popular month for divorcing. So what are you waiting for? Oh, that’s right, you have a bunch of lame EXCUSES. Well, guess what – we don’t accept your excuses. Watch how we use our tough love magic to turn your excuses into a pile of garbage.

“I’m scared.”

Scared? What are you, some stupid baby? Everything in life is scary because it ends with you dying. You know what’s scarier than getting divorced? HOUSE CENTIPEDES? But you know what is less scary than house centipedes but more scary than getting divorced??Being miserable YOUR ENTIRE LIFE and then dying STILL MISERABLE.

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

Oh. Right. Because you’re SUCH a prize. How selfless of you to worry about HURTING her. That’s probably why you stay up late every night so you can Facebook chat with that girl you dated for 4 months in college. How NICE of you to let her stay in this pain-free sham of a marriage.

“I want to wait until the kids are 18.”

GOOD IDEA. They’ll definitely turn out perfect this way.  And everyone knows that everything that happens after you turn 18 has no impact on the rest of your life. Good thinking.

“Maybe things will get better.”

They won’t.

“But it’s almost Valentine’s Day.”

NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME. Christmas is over and Flag Day is still months away. THERE IS NO BETTER TIME THAN RIGHT NOW. Forget about Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is the worst holiday in the world, even if you’re HAPPY. But when you aren’t happy and you have to pretend that you are, it’s even more horrible. Save yourself the trouble of buying one of those stupid little gifts that they sell by the checkout at Barnes and Noble. A heart-shaped miniature zen garden was not going to save your marriage.

“But I work for her father.”

That is so so stupid. Don’t you have your OWN father to work for? You can get another job. Actually, you probably can’t. But you’d be surprised how much more appealing living in a box on the side of the road is to living at home with someone you kind of hate.

“My in-laws will hate me.”

Of COURSE they will. But if it makes you feel better, they probably already hate you.

“We have too many mutual friends.”

Just let them go. You really only need one friend. Surely you can snag ONE FRIEND from the bunch. Or maybe you can’t. In which case, don’t you have any COUSINS? Sheesh.

Screen Shot 2013-02-01 at 11.10.51 AM

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