Tag Archives: cup of noodle diet

How a Divorce Will Help You Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of year again. Divorce season. According to some pretty flimsy data, January has more people filing for divorce than any other month. So today we’re going to show you how getting a divorce can actually HELP you stick to your other new year’s resolutions!

1. Lose Weight/Get in Shape
You are almost sure to lose weight if you get a divorce this year. Either you will be too depressed to eat or you’ll be extremely motivated to get in shape because you’re “back on the market.” (Ugh, gross. Sorry for saying that.)

2. Quit Smoking
You don’t want to put “smoker” on your match.com profile and you’re not going to LIE to match.com, are you??

3. Try New Things
That’s easy. Once you get divorced, you will spend a lot of time doing new things because you have to. Did you always let your husband drive? Well, now you have to try to parallel park a car on your own. Isn’t that exciting?

4. Diet
You’re going to be on the single person’s diet where you just eat a cup of noodles for every meal. The pounds will melt right off.

5. Get Out of Debt/Save Money
You might not get out of debt that easily, but think of all the money you’ll save on Valentine’s cards and anniversary cards and romantic Flag Day cards!

6. Spend More Time With Family
You will definitely spend more time with your kids because you won’t be able to say, “Hey honey, can you watch the kids?” while you go take a shower. You’ll also spend more time with your parents/siblings/whoever’s couch you’re sleeping on for a few months.

7. Travel More
Hmm. I guess if you’re a single woman with lots of money you can ‘eat, pray, love’ it or whatever. I mean, you probably won’t travel LESS. They have singles cruises, right? Is that still a thing? You know what? Travel is very overrated.

8. Be Less Stressed
This might take a while. If you decide to get a divorce in 2014, you might be more stressed at first. But once you’re divorced, you’ll feel better because you won’t wake up every day with that case of “the murders.”

9. Volunteer
Well that’s dumb. You won’t have time to volunteer what with all the traveling and exercising and parallel parking you’ll be doing.

10. Drink Less
Don’t even bother.

Should old acquaintance be divorced.

Should old acquaintance be divorced.

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