While perusing the internet recently, we came across this article about surviving Christmas after divorce.
In it, the author gives us “helpful” tips on how to survive Christmas post-divorce, particularly if you are not in the company of your children for the holiday. While we applaud the author’s efforts, we think her tips for survival are a little uninspired and perhaps a little too obvious to really warrant an article. Unless you consider painting a room of your house on Christmas Eve creative and fun. Then the list might be for you after all. We break her tips down for you here:
1. Think out of the box.: Here, the author tells you that you don’t NEED to have the same traditions you had when you were married! Well, yes, that’s probably fairly obvious. You probably won’t be wrapping Christmas presents by yourself while your ex-husband snores on Christmas Eve as you repeatedly hit him and say “wake up…wake UP! I need your HELP!” You also might lose that old tradition where your now ex-wife tells you on Christmas Day that she’s not sure she loves you anymore.
2. Make a plan to call your children at a particular time. Hmm. Yeah, Ok. I guess you can do that. Or you can just call them at any old time, too. We think it probably doesn’t matter. But if planning phone calls in advance is how you get your (holly) jollies, go for it.
3. Invite family or friends over for Christmas Eve. Yes, this will be a new, groundbreaking holiday that you spend with your friends and family now that you’re divorced. With whom did you spend all of your married Christmases? Strangers? That actually sounds kind of fun.
4. If your kids are going to be gone for two or three days and you cannot bear being in the house alone, plan a short trip. Oh yes, excellent. There is nothing to take the stress off like unnecessary travel during the holidays. I hope your short trip is largely focused on siting in an airport and waiting out weather delays.
5. Allow yourself to do whatever you could not do when the kids were with you. You know how you always wanted to run around the house naked on Christmas Day, smoking drugs and shouting obscenities, but you couldn’t because the KIDS were there?! Now’s your chance!
6. Watch a movie that makes you feel uplifted. She doesn’t give any examples here, but we can only imagine that she means something like Jurassic Park. The FIRST one. The other ones are terribly depressing.
7. Do something creative. Here the author suggests: “[m]aybe a room in the house needs to be painted. You are alone, and no one said that you cannot decorate or fix up the house on Christmas Eve. ” Did you hear that? NO ONE told you that you can’t paint a room! So obviously you should do that. Finally, you’re rid of that pain in the ass husband who used to tell you EVERY Christmas Eve that you are NOT ALLOWED to paint a room today! He’s been holding you back all of these years from exercising your extreme room painting creativity. Also, in case you’ve forgotten, the author would like to remind you that you are alone. All alone.
8. Remember that divorce shatters both partners’ self esteem. Ok, we’re not entirely clear what the point of this one is. We suppose it might shatter both partners’ self-esteem, but also maybe not. Possibly if your ex-wife is already re-married to a taller, more handsome, rich doctor, her self-esteem is actually doing just fine. (She’s probably not, so don’t even worry about it.)
9. Write your story. Oh god, no. Please don’t.