Divorce FAQs: Your Health

Q: Are there activities I should avoid while divorcing? Do more of?

A: It is very important to engage in alcohol consumption. Do more of that. Steer clear of not drinking. Avoid activities where there will be no drinking, like Mormon weddings, AA meetings, and some children’s birthday parties.

Q: How much weight should I gain during divorce?

A: What does it matter? You’ll never fall in love again anyway. A hundred pounds? A thousand? Whatever.

Q: How can I safely exercise while divorce?

A: You can’t. If you try to you’ll die. Just stay on the couch and make sure you don’t have to sit up to reach the tv remote.

Q: When should I call my doctor during divorce?

A: That depends. Is he single? Is he handsome? How handsome? Does he like to drink?

Q: How can I prepare for breastfeeding after divorce?

A: That doesn’t make any sense.


Avoid taking these on an empty stomach. Fill it with booze first.


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One thought on “Divorce FAQs: Your Health

  1. mtvessel says:

    Hey, now. Some of us were breastfeeding at the time of divorce. Like me. Single, middle-aged and lactating. Yowsa!

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