RAGS
noun
I guess I’ll just donate these rags to that high school’s car wash.
Sometimes when a kid has parents who are going through a divorce, the adults in his life decide that he might benefit from art therapy. What is art therapy, you ask? By one definition, it is: the therapeutic use of art making, within a professional relationship, by people who experience illness, trauma or challenges in living, and by people who seek personal development. Through creating art and reflecting on the art products and processes, people can increase awareness of self and others cope with symptoms, stress and traumatic experiences; enhance cognitive abilities; and enjoy the life-affirming pleasures of making art.
Using our own definition it is: the third most fun type of therapy for children after candy-eating therapy and playing video games therapy. We know, we know. You probably think this is dumb. But that’s only because every art teacher you ever had in school was a stupid jerk. Just like the librarians. But if you really think about it, maybe there are benefits to a kid getting out some feelings by putting crayon to paper. This got us thinking: if kids can do it, why can’t we? As adults, we are much better at drawing than stupid kids are! So we decided to try some art therapy ourselves.
What I’d like to say about my art: I wanted to draw an angry bear, so I did. I wasn’t really sure why. In the end, I think the bear represents me. There’s also a bird. The bird is just a bird, though.
What I’d like to say about my art: My ex-husband was actually much taller than me, and he never wore hats.
The Verdict: We don’t feel any different at all. But we did completely waste three minutes of our lives.
Q: Are there activities I should avoid while divorcing? Do more of?
A: It is very important to engage in alcohol consumption. Do more of that. Steer clear of not drinking. Avoid activities where there will be no drinking, like Mormon weddings, AA meetings, and some children’s birthday parties.
Q: How much weight should I gain during divorce?
A: What does it matter? You’ll never fall in love again anyway. A hundred pounds? A thousand? Whatever.
Q: How can I safely exercise while divorce?
A: You can’t. If you try to you’ll die. Just stay on the couch and make sure you don’t have to sit up to reach the tv remote.
Q: When should I call my doctor during divorce?
A: That depends. Is he handsome? Single? Does he like to drink?
Q: How can I prepare for breastfeeding after divorce?
A: That doesn’t make any sense.
Avoid taking these on an empty stomach. Fill it with booze first.
We all know the tricks for spicing up your love life. But what if you’re not in love? How do you spice it DOWN? How do you kill those last pesky shreds of romance in your marriage?
1. Surprise your spouse with a phone call at work. Whisper, “”Thanks for leaving that bowl from dinner in the living room. It was a fun challenge trying to scrape out the caked on chili.”
2. Try new things. Like storming out of a NEW restaurant before the entrees even come.
3. Practice the long lost art of flirting. With an attractive coworker.
4. Leave little notes around the house. Things like, “Can you try and remember to rinse out your bowl for a change?”
5. Stray from your normal routine. Instead of going home after work, spend some time with an attractive coworker.
6. Make time to talk. Talk about how you really don’t want to have a “date night.”
7. Invest in some new lingerie. The kind that comes in a plastic 6-pack.
When you’re going through the process of splitting up, you’re going to hear some hurtful things. Because the truth hurts. If you’re a woman, your natural inclination will be to cry. And if you’re a man, well, we don’t know. You’ll probably want to lift weights or punch a wall or barbeque something.
But isn’t the more satisfying thing to just be equally hurtful and more immature? Now, you may never get the chance to actually SAY any of these things, and we’re not really trying to encourage you to be immature, but it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?
THEY SAY: “I just don’t know what I want.”
YOU SAY: “DO YOU WANT A KICK IN THE CROTCH PARTS?”
THEY SAY: “I’m not attracted to you anymore.”
YOU SAY: “I find all of your friends significantly more attractive than I find you.”
THEY SAY: “Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life.”
YOU SAY: “Your haircut is the biggest mistake of your life.”
THEY SAY: “You’re just not the man/woman I fell in love with.”
YOU SAY: “I don’t even know if you’re the woman/man I fell in love with because I was very drunk for that entire first year.”
THEY SAY: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
YOU SAY: “I lied when I said your voice doesn’t sound weird on tape. Your voice sounds REALLY weird on tape.”
We all have bad days. And sometimes, when you’re having a bad day, it just feels good to write your own, extremely realistic antidepressant commercial. Right? No? Just us? Okay.
Do you feel like your ship is sinking? Like nothing really matters?
You may have a medical condition.
Do you buy lottery tickets thinking that maybe, just maybe, they will somehow change your life for the better?
It could be depression.
Did you start off playing Powerball but after a while that seemed like too lofty a goal, so you switched to the state lottery, and now you’re actually buying scratchers on a semi-regular basis?
We can help.
Do you cry when you get an email from your mom with the subject “Adorable Sea Otter!” and then when you click on the link, it’s just a broken link? Not that you really wanted to see the picture, but you really just can’t handle any more disappointments?
You’re not alone.
Do you sometimes feel so lonely that you find yourself perusing the ‘strictly platonic’ personals section of Craigslist?
You might need medical attention.
Is the best part of your day when the Nyquil kicks in and you finally fall into a thick sweaty sleep for almost 10 hours?
A prescription antidepressant may be right for you.
Is the second best part of your day eating a bowl of soup for lunch?
Ask your doctor about Glowbutrin.
With Glowbutrin, you won’t have as many “bad days.” Like that day when you had a momentary bout of happiness when you realized, hey, at least you don’t have to file a tax return this year because you didn’t even come CLOSE to meeting the minimum income requirement last year – in fact, you only made 667 dollars before your unemployment ran out, only to then realize that this is not where you thought you’d be at this stage of your life.
You’ll feel hope. And not just that kind of hope like when you see that you have a new email, but it turns out to be an update from Linkedin and then you’re even sadder than when you thought no one was emailing you at all.
You’ll feel more like yourself again. Instead of feeling like a person who almost got a job as a receptionist at a hair salon, but didn’t end up getting the job because apparently they thought you knew Quickbooks, and you don’t know Quickbooks. You’ll probably never know Quickbooks!
Call your doctor now. Because you seriously can’t take it anymore.
Rock bottom.
As you know by now, February is the most popular month for divorcing. So what are you waiting for? Oh, that’s right, you have a bunch of lame EXCUSES. Well guess what – we don’t accept your excuses. Watch how we use our tough love magic to turn your excuses into a pile of garbage.
Scared? What are you, some stupid baby? Everything in life is scary because it ends with you dying. Just be a man (or WOMAN) already. You know what is scarier than getting divorced? Being miserable YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND THEN DYING STILL MISERABLE.
Oh. Right. Because you are SUCH a prize. How selfless of you to worry about HURTING her. That’s probably why you stay up late every night so you can Facebook chat with that girl you dated for 4 months in college. How NICE of you to let her stay in this painless sham marriage.
GOOD IDEA. They’ll definitely turn out perfect this way. And everyone knows that everything that happens after you turn 18 has no impact on the rest of your life. Good thinking.
They won’t.
Just let them go. You really only need one friend Surely you can snag ONE FRIEND from the bunch. Or maybe you can’t. In which case, don’t you have any COUSINS? Sheesh.
1. Low self-esteem
2. Just to prove that they can.
3. Because they play those video games where people cheat.
4. Facebook.
5. Because they don’t feel attractive.
6. Because they feel so attractive they just want to share it with the world.
7. Because humans aren’t meant to be monogamous.
8. There was a Groupon for cheating.
9. So they could drive in the carpool lane.
10. Because they are a pumpkin eater.
These people are really bad at cheating.
8:00 AM– Wake up, wash face with mineral water and apricot scrub exfoliant. Moisturize entire body.
8:15 AM– Eat three egg whites and half of a grapefruit with Splenda.
8:45 AM– Walk into work, manage to look professional and effortlessly beautiful.
9:00 AM- 5:00 PM– Get compliments and praise throughout the day. Make witty jokes about your ex to the delight of everyone around you. Leave work, but when entering elevator, trip embarrassingly. What a day!
5:15 PM- Get home, stare out window. Catch yourself wistfully thinking about ex, but snap out of it and do some pilates to busy yourself.
6:00 PM– Tall, handsome, rich man (who you met whence tripping in elevator) calls with last-minute dinner invite. Scramble to get ready. Good thing you already did your pilates!
7:30 PM– Enjoy luxurious dinner complete with amuse-bouche, appetizers, cocktails and desserts. Hold hands and smooch unbelievably attractive man.
9:30 PM— Because you’re a classy lady, accept a goodnight kiss at the door, but explain that you need to take things slow. Man understands.
10:30 PM– Crawl into bed and catch up on your reading: French Vogue, The Economist, The New York Times.
11:00 PM– Take a quick glance at the remaining framed wedding photo on your nightstand. Brief wistful moment. Turn picture over, and fall into a peaceful sleep.
8:46 AM– Wake up, realize you drunkenly hit snooze for 45 minutes and are late for work already.
8:48 AM— Look in mirror. Shudder. Decide to just wear a scarf over your head like a cancer patient instead of trying to tame whatever has become of your hair. Realize that your breath smells distinctly of gin, but you don’t have time to brush your teeth AND eat, so you’ll just settle for breath that smells like a sausage egg mcmuffin, which you will pick up on your way to work. You are already wearing your work clothes from yesterday, so no need to change. Three cheers for time-saving!
9:18— Walk into work late, looking and smelling sort of homeless. Endure evil looks from your co-workers as they whisper behind your back, angry at your tardiness and your lack of professionalism.
9:18— 5:00 PM— Accomplish almost nothing. Take various involuntary “naps” at your desk only to be awoken by your best friend texting you to ask if you’ve seen her driver’s license because she thinks she either left it at that last bar you were at last night, or, she might have sold it to a teenager for cash to buy more drinks after she realized she lost her credit card.
5:15 PM— Get home. Log onto match.com to see if anyone has expressed interest. Notice three “winks” from men older than your father who aren’t even rich. Log onto your secret Facebook account to stalk your ex-husband. Scowl at his profile picture because he’s smiling. The nerve.
6:00 PM– Meet your friend at that one bar with the really long happy hour and half price appetizers.
6:00 PM– 2ish AM— Drink. Eat nachos. Drink. Accept drinks from a man who introduced himself by licking your ear. Eventually tell man that you need him to take his tongue out of your ear. Man does not understand.
3:00 AM–Arrive home in a taxi because your friend remembered your address. Lay down on kitchen floor and make mental note NOT to fall asleep here because you really need to set an alarm for work.
Stupid movie breakfast.
