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Leftover Wedding Matches

For years after your wedding (and divorce) you’re going to keep finding those books of matches with your names on them.  Because leftover wedding matches are like fruit flies.  Just when you think you’re rid of them, you find one more.  By a banana.

But you don’t have to throw them out.  Here are some alternatives to the trash:

 

divorce humor

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Date Daily: Who Katie Holmes Should Date Now

Who should Katie Holmes date next?  We’ve decided to tell her.  Because, really, she needs some help.

Read our advice to Katie Holmes on DateDaily.

Bumper Stickers

Everyone knows that the best forum in which to discuss serious issues is the bumper of a car. That’s why we designed these bumper stickers.

divorce humor

divorce bumper sticker

divorce bumper sticker

divorce bumper sticker

divorce bumper sticker

Splitting Up The Stuff

Maybe, before going your separate ways, you and your soon-to-be-ex will have a civilized discussion where you sit down and calmly lay out a fair and logical plan to evenly divide all of your mutual possessions.

But more likely, you will have a series of very awkward and uncomfortable discussions that suddenly erupt into arguments over items you didn’t even know you had in the first place. You and your spouse have probably been arguing about lots of things for quite some time. Why stop now?

Well, you won’t.

Using science, we created this pie chart to illustrate what divorcing couples care the most about.

Wedding Hindsight

jeanne goshe

Disposing of the Evidence (Part 1): The Dress

Here at Everyone Gets Divorced, we take the “moving on” process very seriously.   By that we mean, seriously, you don’t need a box of old wedding stuff in your closet.   Now we’re going to persuade you to get rid of it so you can get on with your life and subsequent marriages.

THE DRESS

If you’ve ever watched anything on TLC, you know that the most important part of any wedding is the dress.

everyone gets divorced

Everyone! Out of the way! The dress is getting its picture taken!

You probably spent more time thinking about the dress than the person you were marrying.  Oops! On the other hand, you probably liked the dress more than the person you were marrying. So we understand that saying goodbye to this dress can be tough.

Well, life is tough.

HERE ARE YOUR OPTIONS

Selling it:

In theory, selling your dress is one option.  But in the world of wedding gowns, “worn only once” is not that great a selling feature.  For normal clothes, being worn only once is pretty close to being brand new.  However, for wedding gowns, the average lifespan is one wear.
This is not to say that you can’t sell it.  Although the longer you were married, the less likely it is that anyone is going to want your dress.  You’ve seen wedding dresses from the 80’s, right?  No one wants to look like that now.  Well, maybe, for some sort of ironic hipster wedding.  Call it “vintage.”

However, if your marriage was of the short-lived variety and your dress is still reasonably in fashion, you’ve got a better chance.  But remember, you’re not going to get what you believe is a fair price.  Nothing about this is fair.  Also, when selling it, make sure you don’t let on that your marriage ended.  People seem to think that’s bad luck.  Be sure to write your Craigslist ad in the tone of a happily married person.

*Fun idea*

If you find yourself unable to sell it, consider trying it on to see if you’ve gotten fat since your wedding. You didn’t? Great! Celebrate and have an egg roll! You did? Hit the gym, doughball!

Trashing it:

If you just want to be rid of it, you have two quick and easy options.

1. Shove it in a garbage can.
2. Lay it neatly ACROSS a garbage can so that your neighborhood and sanitation workers can appreciate its beauty one last time.

Giving it Away:

Perhaps you have a friend who is getting married.  And she happens to be the same size and height as you.  And you know her marriage is doomed anyway.  Offer your tainted dress to her.

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