Category Archives: Right?

Divorce Predictors

You have probably seen numerous articles about the # 1 predictor of divorce. But all of these articles are wrong. Or to be more specific, they all give different examples of the # 1 predictor, and we know very well that there can only be ONE true #1. (Except in the case of EGD, where both Jessica and Jeanne are #1.) Some of the alleged #1 predictors are:

1) A habitual avoidance of conflict: These don’t even sound like real words to us.

2) Overuse of “You” language, plus directives: Here are two examples of what this means: You should pay attention. Or, “You are not good enough.” So I guess what we’re saying is, if you want to stay married forever, you should replace those phrases with: “Someone should pay attention…not naming names…but someone in this room…who is you.” And, ” Sometimes people are not good enough. This is one of those times. And it’s you

3) Frequently invalidating each other’s feelings: Ok, ok. We can see how that might lead to divorce. But what are you supposed to do if your wife’s feelings are always stupid and dumb? What THEN?!

4) Differing values around money: Hm. It’s hard for us to wrap our minds around this one. Are there people out there who don’t think money is the most important thing in the entire world? Really? Shut up! That’s crazy.

5) Cold feet: Here they mean, if the bride or groom wasn’t that sold on having the  wedding in the first place. This seems obvious. If you can’t even get excited about a fun party night with alcohol, then it’s going to be pretty tough to stay excited about a lifetime of nights on the couch eating Fritos and flipping through the Netflix menu.

Screen Shot 2013-08-01 at 9.55.47 PM

Seems legit.

Tagged , , ,

The New Divorcee: Movie vs. Reality

Movie

8:00 AM– Wake up, wash face with mineral water and apricot scrub exfoliant. Moisturize entire body.
8:15 AM– Eat three egg whites and half of a grapefruit with Splenda.
8:45 AM– Walk into work, manage to look professional and effortlessly beautiful.
9:00 AM- 5:00 PM– Get compliments and praise throughout the day. Make witty jokes about your ex to the delight of everyone around you. Leave work, but when entering elevator, trip embarrassingly. What a day!
5:15 PM- Get home, stare out window. Catch yourself wistfully thinking about ex, but snap out of it and do some pilates to busy yourself.
6:00 PM– Tall, handsome, rich man (who you met whence tripping in elevator) calls with last-minute dinner invite. Scramble to get ready. Good thing you already did your pilates!
7:30 PM– Enjoy luxurious dinner complete with amuse-bouche, appetizers, cocktails and desserts. Hold hands and smooch unbelievably attractive man.
9:30 PM— Because you’re a classy lady, accept a goodnight kiss at the door, but explain that you need to take things slow. Man understands.
10:30 PM– Crawl into bed and catch up on your reading: French Vogue, The Economist, The New York Times.
11:00 PM– Take a quick glance at the remaining framed wedding photo on your nightstand. Brief wistful moment. Turn picture over, and fall into a peaceful sleep.

Reality

8:46 AM– Wake up, realize you drunkenly hit snooze for 45 minutes and are late for work already.
8:48 AM— Look in mirror. Shudder. Decide to just wear a scarf over your head like a cancer patient instead of trying to tame whatever has become of your hair. Realize that your breath smells distinctly of gin, but you don’t have time to brush your teeth AND eat, so you’ll just settle for breath that smells like a sausage egg mcmuffin, which you will pick up on your way to work. You are already wearing your work clothes from yesterday, so no need to change. Three cheers for time-saving!
9:18— Walk into work late, looking and smelling sort of homeless. Endure evil looks from your co-workers as they whisper behind your back, angry at your tardiness and your lack of professionalism.
9:18— 5:00 PM— Accomplish almost nothing. Take various involuntary “naps” at your desk only to be awoken by your best friend texting you to ask if you’ve seen her driver’s license because she thinks she either left it at that last bar you were at last night, or, she might have sold it to a teenager for cash to buy more drinks after she realized she lost her credit card.
5:15 PM— Get home. Log onto match.com to see if anyone has expressed interest. Notice three “winks” from men older than your father who aren’t even rich. Log onto your secret Facebook account to stalk your ex-husband. Scowl at his profile picture because he’s smiling. The nerve.
6:00 PM– Meet your friend at that one bar with the really long happy hour and half price appetizers.
6:00 PM– 2ish AM— Drink. Eat nachos. Drink. Accept drinks from a man who introduced himself by licking your ear. Eventually tell man that you need him to take his tongue out of your ear. Man does not understand.
3:00 AM–Arrive home in a taxi because your friend remembered your address. Lay down on kitchen floor and make mental note NOT to fall asleep here because you really need to set an alarm for work.

Stupid movie breakfast.

Stupid movie breakfast.

Tagged , , ,

The Hardest Thing About Being Divorced

A lot of times, I like something, but I don’t feel that strongly about it.  Like, say, having lasagna for dinner.  So if you say to me, “Do you want lasagna for dinner or would you prefer something else?”

I want to go, “Well, lasagna sounds good, but I’m not married to it.”

divorce humor

I will always love lasagna. Until I don't.

It can be confusing.  Because as we all know, you can marry lasagna.  And then you can decide to unmarry it.  And now that phrase doesn’t even make any sense!  Do you want lasagna or not?

It’s tough, you know?

Books About Divorce That We Would Want to Read

There are a lot of really boring and unappealing books about divorce.  We would never read these books.   Here are some book s that, if they existed, would probably be more entertaining.

  • Chewing Gum and Other Suitable Replacements for a Spouse
  • Eating Pizza For One
  • Dissolving Your Marriage: Just Add Gin!
  • Cloudy With A Chance of Divorce Showers
  • One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Divorced Fish
  • The Divorced Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
  • The Seven Habits of Highly Divorced People
  • Eat, Drink, Love (your new boyfriend)
  • Extremely Loud and Incredibly Divorced
  • Tales of a 4th Grade Divorcee

They sound good, right?  Personally, I’d love to curl up in bed on a rainy day with Tales of a 4th Grade Divorcee.  I bet it really puts things in perspective.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 294 other followers

%d bloggers like this: