Category Archives: Pep talks

Bad Guys Ask For Divorces

Well, it’s January, and that means divorce season is upon us! January is one of the most popular months to initiate a divorce. Why, you ask? Because the holidays are over, and you’re off the hook. It’s hard to pull the trigger when you’re getting ready to light the menorah or open presents under the tree.  And no one wants to put a damper on the druid winter solstice festival!

By the way, if you’re one of those people who has decided to end your marriage, and you made it though the entire holiday season pretending that everything is FINE, we would like to congratulate you. That’s like finishing a marathon and you deserve a Snickers bar.

And now you’re almost ready to make your move. But you’re nervous – how do you ask for a divorce without looking like the bad guy? To put it bluntly: you don’t. No matter WHAT you do, if you ask for a divorce, a certain number of people will think you’re an asshole. And maybe you’ve behaved in a way to make people think that. But even if you haven’t, it doesn’t matter. What we’re saying is, even if you DIDN’T have a mistress/mister, you should have, because people will assume that you did. Your image is going to be tarnished either way.  You’re just going to have to live with that.

Now, you can try a do-gooder counterattack.  Volunteer at a hospital.  Take puppies to visit veterans.  Get involved in lots of very public, very undeniably good-guy causes, preferably involving kittens.  Of course, it might not stop people from thinking you’re a jerk. Especially if you did something really jerky.  For instance, if you told your wife she’s too fat for you and then left her on her birthday for a 19-year-old “dancer,” you’re probably going to have to move to the third world and take care of AIDS babies for the rest of your life.  And guess what?  Most people will still think you’re a monster.

So the point is, if you’re a good person, you’re still a good person.  Try not to let what other people think get you down.  And if you’re a terrible person, you probably don’t care what people think, so you’re not going to go to all this trouble.

They see right through you.

They see right through you.

 

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TOUGH LOVE

At some point during your breakup or divorce, you’re probably going to enter an ugly depressive phase.  That’s when you think and say a lot of really stupid pessimistic things.  It’s understandable.  You’re feeling sad.  Well, sometimes when you’re sad, you need someone to tell you how stupid you are.  Here’s some tough love to get you through this tough time.

STUPID THINGS YOU’RE SAYING AND LOGICAL RESPONSES TO THEM:

1. “I wasted the best years of my life.”

Shut up.

If you wasted some years, they weren’t the best ones, dummy.

2. “No one will ever love him/her like I did!”

Shut up.

What, you’re the number one giver of love on the planet? Good for you. Now go take a nap and stop thinking about the quality of love he/she may or may not receive in the future.  It doesn’t concern you.

3. “I’ll never meet anyone now.”

Shut up.

You’re not meeting people?  Hm. Maybe it’s because you’re at home, whining about how lonely you are to people on the internet.  You are capable of meeting people. Start visiting prisons.

4. “I’m too fat to start dating again.”

Shut up.

If you’re fat, there are lots of TV shows that want to help you be less fat.  If you find yourself unable to get on one of those TV shows, try taking one hour every day out of your precious “feeling sorry for yourself” time and just go for a walk.  If you like, you can even feel sorry for yourself WHILE YOU WALK.  And if you still think you’re too fat, remember this: fat people date.  Most people are fat. You’re in America. You’re among friends.  (Unless you’re not in America. Then you should be ASHAMED.)

5. “I’m ugly and no one else will ever love me.”

Stop it.

Oh, you think you’re ugly? You mean like almost everyone? You probably just need to pluck your eyebrows.
Tip for men: Women don’t care if you’re ugly as long as you’re really nice.
Tip for women: Men don’t care if you’re ugly as long as you have lady body parts. (And the man is straight, obviously.)
Another tip for women: Try dating straight men. Unless YOU are gay. Then don’t.

6. “I’ll never get married again.” 

Shut up.

How do you know that? I bet you once said you’d never buy Crocs or get divorced. Way to be wrong, you!  Huh.  Sure seems like you’re wrong a lot.

7. “I’m too old to start over.”

Nonsense.  I think I once read about a 112-year old getting remarried.  So unless you’re 113, you have no basis for this claim.  If you ARE 113, congratulations on operating a computer.  You seem like a real catch! You’ll find someone in no time.

breakup humor

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We got divorced and you can too!

It’s not that hard.   We both did it.  And we both hate doing things.

divorce advice

Jessica hates thinking.

divorce advice

Jeanne hates taking Zicam.

It’s also not that sad.  Listen up.  If you’re thinking about getting divorced or you’re in the process of getting divorced or you’re still crying over your divorce, you have to listen to us:  It’s okay to be sad. For a little while.  You can even grieve.  But you must remember – do not grieve like someone has actually died.  No one has died.  Pull yourself together.  On the grief spectrum, getting a divorce is somewhere in the middle, between a death in the family and when Trader Joe’s discontinues a product that you like.

The point is this – if you’re getting a divorce, you did not have a great marriage.  The mourning period is short for shitty marriages.

Sure you can get drunk and cry and go on and on and on to your friends.  But that gets old.  And your friends will start to hate you.  We recommend that you learn to laugh about it.  WE CAN HELP YOU LEARN TO LAUGH AGAIN!

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