Category Archives: Lists

How Do You Save Your Marriage?

More specifically:

Q: How do you save your marriage when your husband/wife doesn’t want to try?

A: You get a divorce.

That’s not meant to be funny.  And you probably aren’t laughing. This is a problem that many people face, and unfortunately, the real answer to the question is: you don’t. If the other person doesn’t want to try, there’s nothing more you can do.  You can’t just try twice as hard.  And why would you want to?  God, that’s so much trying.  And trying is just the worst.  If your marriage is in trouble, and the person you’re married to doesn’t seem to care, you should get out.  Get out now.  And save all that “trying” energy for something worthwhile.  Like, learning Chinese.  Or glassblowing.  Or starting a band.  Or doing Sudoku.  (Do people still do that?  Is that a thing you have to try at?  We don’t really know.)  The point is, your energy is better spent doing literally ANYTHING ELSE other than working on your marriage.  It sucks.  But you’ll be glad when you know Chinese and you’re not spending all your time and energy trying to save your marriage to a dummy.

FOR REFERENCE

A List of Other Things That Are NOT Worth Your Energy:

1) High School math – You’ll never use it.

2) Middle School math – You’ll only use it in high school.

3) Sometimes 5th Grade math — You will literally NEVER use an improper fraction.

4) Making cake “from scratch”– What is this “scratch” anyway? It sounds disgusting. Don’t bother mixing together your own sugars and sifting flour when you can buy cake mix for 97 cents that is perfect every time.

5) Trying to be a better person – YOU ARE FINE.

6) Trying to be more patient – Good idea. Have fun wasting your life, waiting around for stuff.

7) Working on forgiveness — Seems like a waste of time when you could channel that energy into despicable acts of revenge.

8) Having defined abs — Unless you star in informercials. Otherwise, dumb.
When you're on your death bed, you won't wish you had sifted more.

When you’re on your death bed, you won’t wish you had sifted more.

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7 Signs That You’re Ready to Start Dating After Divorce

1. You feel like wearing pants that are not of the “sweat” variety.

2.  You’re craving brunch.

3. You’ve watched everything in your Netflix Instant queue.

4. You’ve reached the limit on cats permitted in your apartment and you’re still lonely but you don’t really care for reptiles.

5. You purchased a ‘buy one get one’ Groupon for gelato.

6. You’re in the mood to play an awkward round of miniature golf with someone you hardly know.

7. You started dating before your divorce.

God, brunch is dumb.

God, brunch is dumb.

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Defense of Other Things

Well, as you may have heard, the Supreme Court struck down DOMA.  To that we say, “Great! Now what are we supposed to do with our powers of defense??” Marriage is obviously a lost cause.  But we’ve come up with some other things that still need defending.

5 Things You Can Defend Instead of Marriage:

Endangered Species:

divorce humor

You’ve probably been so worried about the crumbling institution of marriage that you’ve forgotten all about the Leatherback Sea Turtles and the Western Lowland Gorillas.  The moral fabric of society is a lost cause!  You might as well save some whales instead.

The Ozone Layer:

divorce humor

Remember this thing?  There’s still a hole in it.

Baby Animals:

adorable teacup pig

So tiny.  So… DEFENSELESS.

Brussel Sprouts:

tasty brussel sprouts
Honestly, they’re not bad.

Your Castle:

divorce humor

What? You don’t HAVE a castle? Oh boy. Did the gays take it from you?!

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You can’t save your stupid marriage

Believe it or not, there are people out there that think they can save your doomed marriage from its inevitable divorce-y end. OK, they don’t ACTUALLY think that, but they think they can convince you of it and/or they want to sell you something. The people trying to sell you something are usually pastors, but not the real kind, the kind that appear on TV and try to sell you books. These TV pastors would be happy to sell you a book entitled something like ” HOW TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE FROM THE BRINK OF DIVORCE BY FORCING THE DEVIL OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND ACCEPTING GOD’S LOVE” (note: We have no idea if this is a real book. But if it is, we think it’s stupid. To be safe, don’t buy any books that we haven’t written.) Other non-pastor people might write articles about saving your marriage, for seemingly no other reason than to make you feel like a failure. These people aren’t doing it for money, just for the satisfaction of feeling superior to you. Maybe one of these people *believes* she’s saved her own marriage from the brink of divorce, but what she doesn’t know is that the only reason her husband is acting happier now is that he has a secret 25 year old girlfriend.  Here’s the real deal, ladies and gentlemen: you can’t save your marriage from the brink of divorce. You CAN’T! If your marriage is already on the brink of divorce, it’s because someone (either you or your spouse) no longer cares. Maybe you or your spouse NEVER cared. Maybe you’ve both been miserable the whole time. Maybe you or your spouse fell in love with someone else. Or one of you just got bored and wants to start over. That’s ok. It happens. But don’t blame yourself. That isn’t going to help ANYONE.

Here is a list from a real, live,  article we found that provides you with a list of ways to save your marriage. The author gives 7 things you can do to save your marriage telling you that “chances are good” you can fix it even if you really feel it’s headed for divorce. This author is lying to you. Here are her 7 brilliant ideas:
1) Say “I love you”— Oh good, this will certainly help, right? If you haven’t said “I love you” to your spouse in five or so years, it DEFINITELY seems INCREDIBLY sincere when it comes out of your mouth out of the blue while you’re arguing about who will get to keep the grapefruit spoons and the dog. I’m sure that phrase will hold a great deal of meaning when you say it to your soon to be ex-husband after weeks of telling him he’s fat and you hate his back hair. Good thinking.
2) Accomplish Something Together— Here, the author actually suggests–FOR REAL– that you do yard work together or spruce up the bathroom. First of all, who actually uses the phrase “spruce up”? Secondly, we’ll give you one guess as to how many marriages have been saved by caulking a bathtub together. Yes, you guessed right.
3) Give a gift— This can be okay. It’s not going to save your marriage, but gifts are nice. However, we would change the suggestion just a bit. We should change it to “Receive a Gift”. There’s nothing wrong with a nice parting gift before you go your separate ways. Maybe a vacation or something. But not one that you have to go on together – that’s gross.
4) Have sex– If just reading this made you retch a little bit, your marriage is over. Our condolences.
5) Flirt-- Now, THIS one sounds fun! Who doesn’t like flirting? But is that really going to save your marriage? No. It’s not. Because flirting with someone who hates you or who you hate is not very effective. If your spouse doesn’t want to be with you anymore, no amount of flirting is going to change his or her mind. In fact, he or she will probably just feel sorry for you. You don’t want to be that person. The person who is the sad pathetic puppy dog, flirting away, while your spouse secretly looks for apartments on craigslist. Don’t be that puppy. Be a sexy puppy who gets divorced.
6) Take Over a Job— By this, the author means, if you are a man and your wife is always the one to do the dishes, maybe YOU should do the dishes. Granted, she’ll probably like it. But will she feel inclined to stay married to you because of it? Probably not. She’d probably rather just buy plasticware and divorce you. But nice try. We guess.
7) Commit— When the author says “commit” she apparently means do something like renew your vows or have a ceremony of some sort. Can you even wrap your mind around that? Here, let’s set the scene for you. You and your husband have been on the outs for months. Well, if you’re being honest, years. You don’t sleep in the same bed. You don’t have date nights. He stays up all night playing World of Warcraft and you chat with your friends online about how much you hate your life. He always forgets your anniversary. He’s been taking secret phone calls in the bathroom and you’re pretty sure he isn’t a government spy or anything that would explain it. You’re sad and unhappy. He’s sad and unhappy. So then you read an article online and decide to have a ceremony to recommit to each other. You say:
“Husband. I know we are living miserably, and have been for years. I know we’ve talked about divorce. But I think we should go out in the backyard and pick wild flowers. Then we should hand them to each other under a full moon and say vows to each other to re-commit to our marriage. I am sure this is the answer to our problems and will result in long lasting love.” He won’t hear you say this of course, because he is wearing headphones while playing World of Warcraft. But at least you tried, right? Ok. Now you can file.
Bathtub caulk: saving marriages since never.

Bathtub caulk: saving marriages since never.

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Why Do Leprechauns Get Divorced?

We talk a lot about human divorce on this blog. And public opinion tells us that we talk too much about duck divorce.  But in honor of the upcoming holiday, we’re going to answer the burning question that we assume is on everyone’s mind: WHY DO LEPRECHAUNS GET DIVORCED?

leprechaundivorce

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Why Do People Cheat?

Why People Cheat

1. Low self-esteem

2. Just to prove that they can.

3. Because they play those video games where people cheat.

4. Facebook.

5. Because they don’t feel attractive.

6. Because they feel so attractive they just want to share it with the world.

7. Because humans aren’t meant to be monogamous.

8. There was a Groupon for cheating.

9. So they could drive in the carpool lane.

10. Because they are a pumpkin eater.

These people are really bad at cheating.

These people are really bad at cheating.

 

 

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Celebrity Splits 2012: A Year in Review

Well, it’s the end of the year, AGAIN. And as we ring in 2013, we sit and reflect on the biggest and most shocking celebrity splits of 2012.

1) “Most shocking” - Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman

Sure, they’re both disgusting to look at: but they were in LOVE. Or so we thought.  They split this year after 30 years of marriage (which, if you do the math, is actually 5,432 in “celebrity marriage” years.) But really, no celebrity split is SHOCKING. We only give it that label because we’re surprised one or both of them thought they could do better. We heard a rumor that Rhea left Danny because of his “womanizing ways”. Look at the picture below and try to wrap your mind around that.

Kim Kardashian baby

He only womanizes the blind.

2) ” Most ….whatever.” - Heidi Klum and Seal

So Heidi Klum is a beautiful super model and Seal (although he admittedly has a lovely singing voice) looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. It was only a matter of time before Heidi started up with her bodyguard. We also heard that Seal is kind of bossy and crazy. Oh, and he goes by “Seal.” So there’s that.

Kim Kardashian baby

Sexy.

3) “Most…erm…Lasted Longer Than We Thought It Would” - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Katie used to be cute on Dawson’s Creek. And then the only celebrity shorter than Danny Devito married her, put a baby in her, and used a magic Scientology machine to suck out all of her emotions. The thing we found most interesting about this split is that people seemed truly surprised by it. We hate to use our own motto (just kidding we love to), but everyone gets divorced. So no one’s divorce should REALLY surprise you. But especially not one between Tom Cruise and anybody.

Kim Kardashian baby

I don’t even know what to say.

4) “Least Original” - Katy Perry and Russell Brand

This was really the most typical celebrity marriage of them all. A sex addict?? A pop star?? Will he cheat?? Will she keep wearing outrageous wigs and fashions?? They’re both so wacky! Will they really be able to make it work?? The answer is no. Of course not. Of COURSE not.  Boring.

Kim Kardashian pregnant

Even they’re bored by their zaniness.

PREDICTIONS FOR 2013

We might not have told you this before, but we are like a two-headed Nostradamus when it comes to predicting celebrity splits. Here are our top four predictions for 2013:

1) Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith: This marriage has allegedly been floundering for awhile. They both regularly deny that they are getting divorced, but we know better. There was a rumor that Jada had an affair with Jennifer Lopez’s ex, Marc Anthony. If you are stooping to the level of having an affair with Marc Anthony, you are truly miserable. Marc Anthony looks like the offspring of a rat and an ugly person.

2) Anne Hathaway and Adam Shulman: We know, we know. You have no idea who her husband is. That’s ok, no one does. We put them on the list largely because Jessica finds Anne Hathaway extremely annoying, and she thinks she looks like a meerkat. But also because we are well aware that Anne Hathaway’s LAST boyfriend was a real estate scam artist currently serving time in prison. So we question her judgment.

3) Kanye West and Kim Kardashian: They’re not married yet, but we already know it’s not going to last. Kim Kardashian is incapable of being with any one person for too long because her mom doesn’t want her to. In order to stay relevant, she has to constantly be seen with new famous people. It isn’t HER fault that one of her sisters just keeps getting pregnant like a dummy, and her OTHER sister looks like a giant ugly monster. So the Kardashian family rightly puts their money on Kim to keep the family relevant. Expect Kim to date 5 to 6 new people in 2013, until she runs out of dudes with names that start with K. At which point, the world will end.

EDIT: We just found out Kim is pregnant with Kanye’s baby. First of all, who cares. But more importantly, they’re still breaking up. Sorry.  P.S. THIS WILL BE THE SHORTEST BABY IN THE WORLD.

4) Lindsay Lohan and Someone: We aren’t sure who Lindsay will divorce yet, because we aren’t sure who she will hastily marry. But Lindsay’s popularity has plummeted and we imagine she’s going to have to do something huge in 2013 to stay in the spotlight. So we predict a shotgun marriage, possibly a pregnancy, and definitely a divorce.

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Halloween Costume Tips

Well, it’s Halloween, the second best holiday after Flag Day.  We know that you might be tempted to re-purpose your old wedding gown into a costume.  And sure, you could  fashion it into a very nice zombie bride (or “ex-wife”) costume.  And we understand that temptation.  Because it was probably very expensive and you feel like you should get to wear it again.  And you probably think you’re very clever.

But, you might want to consider…not doing that.  Halloween is a great time to meet people.  New people.  And while we’re sure it’s a very nice dress and a good conversation starter, if you go to a party and your costume results in you discussing your failed marriage, it is also a good conversation ender.

britney spears divorced

Pre-divorce Britney is more fun.

So instead of being that person, try one of these, and really COMMIT to the costume.

HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS THAT WILL NOT LEAD TO DISCUSSING YOUR FAILED MARRIAGE:
  • A nurse who is not bitter.
  • A sexy cat who does not have a court date next Monday.
  • A batman who is not paying child support.
  • A zombie who does not drink alone.
  • A flapper who did not waste the best years of her life.
  • A taco who did not get totally screwed by the lawyer.
  • A bumblebee.
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Being Embarrassed

A lot of people are embarrassed to admit that they’ve been divorced.  But the fact of the matter is it’s really not interesting enough to be embarrassing.  People get divorced all the time.  By our math, 100 percent of all people will get divorced at least four times in their lifetime.  So what’s the big deal? Life is full of far greater embarrassments than “failing at marriage.”  BORING.

To prove this point, here’s a list of really embarrassing things that may or may not have happened to us.

THINGS THAT ARE MORE  EMBARRASSING THAN GETTING DIVORCED:

1. Failing fourth grade math.

2. Finding out, after the fact, that you’ve had spinach in your teeth for the WHOLE MEAL.

3. Going to the doctor to give a urine sample and then spilling your urine sample on someone from your high school.

4. Going to a concert, and then, even though you’ve already had dinner and a post-dinner “tater tot course,” excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, but instead of going to the bathroom, buying a slice of pepperoni pizza which you eat in secret.

5. Going to the dentist to get X-rays, and then as the dentist is putting the X-ray thingy in the far-back part of your mouth, vomiting all over said dentist’s hand and arm.

6. Marrying that guy with that stupid hair.

divorce jokes

You should be ashamed of yourself.

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